


Put Myself Beside You

by GothicalWishes



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gaming, Implied M/F, M/M, Original Character(s), Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-04-21 08:33:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 56,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14281077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GothicalWishes/pseuds/GothicalWishes
Summary: Dan’s life is written on his body. It’s in the clothes he no longer wears, in the strangers he no longer fucks, and the kiss as he leaves for work. His perfectly domestic life is tattooed into every pore of his being, drowning him under a grey cloak of monotony. When Phil bursts into his life with a kiss and blue eyes as deep as the ocean, the grey edges of Dan’s life begin to fracture, and with Phil by his side, he finds he can breathe again.





	1. The Phantom Under Your Skin

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written for any fandom in over ten years, but this got stuck in my head and just wouldn't leave so I had to get it down somewhere!

The sunshine beamed through the window, bouncing off the shiny, white kitchen table and straight into Dan’s eyes. He sighed heavily and lifted another spoon of crunchy nut cereal from the bowl into his mouth. It was late in the morning, nearly afternoon really, and Dan had not long dragged himself from his bed, feeling sweaty and claustrophobic under the duvet in the hot, sun-filled bedroom. As he sat eating his cereal, he heard a car travelling up the drive, the gravel crunching under the tyres as he saw the silver roof travel past the kitchen window.

Dan finished his cereal, and walked to the kitchen sink. His pyjama bottoms slipped low on his hips and he could feel the damp stickiness on the back of his t-shirt where he had sat against the black leather kitchen chair. He felt a little gross, a mixture of sleeping in, the sticky, sweat on his brow and being still dressed in sleep clothes which he knew were a few days past needing a wash.

The kitchen door opened and his girlfriend, Anna, walked in, blue Co-op shopping bags in her hands and a mobile phone to her ear. Dan walked over and took the bags from her hands, pressing a closed-lipped kiss to her cheek as she walked to the kitchen table and sat down.

“Is she ok, though?” Anna asked the person at the other end of the call, and frowned as she listened to the response, eyes flitting up to Dan as he started unpacking the bags.

Dan mouthed _‘Is everything alright?’_ at her and Anna nodded, the frown not leaving her face as she placed her forehead against the cool grey wall of kitchen.

Dan continued unpacking and placing the bought items onto the counter. Both he and Anna had found themselves unusually busy during the week and hadn’t had the time to get to the Sainsbury’s in town to restock the fridge and cupboards. The local Co-op was expensive, but convenient, and Dan especially avoided large supermarkets if he could help it. In fairness, Anna did a lot of the shopping for them both. Dan was especially grateful at her ability to know when he just couldn’t face those long soulless aisles of corporate branding selling their own products designed to control his behaviour.

Back when they had first started renting the beautiful house they currently lived in, Dan had laughed at Anna’s insistence that they needed to buy enough food to feed a family of five. He’d given an exasperated snort at her resolve to stock milk in the fridge door, despite neither of them taking milk with their tea or coffee.

Dan knew they were comfortable in their relationship, having spent the better part of five years together, three of those under the current roof they inhabited in the slightly deprived corner of Kent. Since he had been twenty one and Anna had been twenty they had started building this life together; sharing a space and bills had seemed like the perfect natural progression of their relationship. They had chosen the house because of its detached nature, enclosed on all sides by tall hedges and fences, and large lush garden. The thick, green leaves of the hedges meant that when they had met with the agent to view the property they had completely forgotten about the new housing estate they had had to drive through to get there, and immediately fell in love with the secluded future they felt they could build there.

That first summer had been packed with days spent at the garden table, a cold glass of coke in one hand, his face turned to the warmth of the sun and Anna’s quiet comforting breathing to his side. They’d mown the lawn, weeded the garden, cleared the leaves and chased many cats from their kitchen. Dan still laughed at Anna’s dramatic arm waving and shrieks as she flew through the house, hot on the tail of another feline home invader. Dan had asked why they didn’t just keep the doors closed, but Anna insisted that one of the perks of sunshine in England and an enclosed garden was being able to ‘invite the outside in’.

Dan feigned annoyance, but he loved Anna’s quirks and habits. All these little things which made him smile whilst stuck at the grey prison he called work, made his heart flutter when he woke in the morning and watched her sleep. He’d touch his fingers to her long dark brown hair, stroking it behind her ear from where it had fallen over her lightly freckled nose. Dan had committed the shades and nuances of her brown eyes to his memory by the end of their first date, knowing even then, that they were going to be a fixture of his future.

“Nan fell out of bed again last night,” Anna said, making Dan jump from his reverie. He put the last of the groceries in the freezer and sat opposite her at the table.

“Oh, is she ok?” Dan replied, his hand coming to rest over Anna’s where it clutched her mobile phone.

She sighed, looking up and meeting his eyes, “Yes. She’s at the hospital, but they think she will be fine. They want to keep her in overnight to run some checks. They’re not sure why she keeps falling and want to check it’s not something sinister. Dad’s on his way up to the hospital with mum now.”

Dan rubbed a thumb across her hand, as he replied “Do you want me to cancel tonight? We could go up there now too.”

Anna shook her head slightly as her lips pulled up into a tight smile, “No, visiting closes at two, and doesn’t reopen until six tonight. They’ve mainly gone up to get Grandad and bring him home as he went up in the ambulance last night. John’s going to pick me up at half five when he goes up this evening.”

“That’s a good idea,” Dan said. Anna’s Uncle John lived only a couple of villages over and would have to drive past their house to get to the hospital. “It’ll be easier for parking if you can go up in one car. Are you sure you don’t want me to come? Or I can stay at home for when you get back?” Despite his excitement at his plans for the evening, Dan was uncomfortable about the thought of Anna coming home from the hospital and spending the night alone.

She smiled a little brighter, “No, it’ll be fine. They honestly don’t think it’s anything bad, they just want to check her over. You know what the hospitals are like once you start getting old… Besides you’ve already paid for the tickets and Olivia will go mental if you don’t go tonight.”

Dan grinned and placed a gentle kiss against her lips. “Ok, but I can if you need me to. I can see Liv drunk anytime.”

“You haven’t seen her in months. She’ll think I’m keeping you from her. Besides it was difficult enough to find a date where you were all free.” Anna leant back against the dining chair and stretched her arms above her head. “No, you go and have fun. I’ll just sit here in our dark scary house and pine after you.” Her weary sigh was belied by the glint of mischief in her eyes and the smirk pulling at the corners of her lips.

“You betcha.” He grinned and lifted both his hands, pointing finger guns at her as he stood and made his way to the bedroom.

Anna laughed after him as he left the room, letting her palms trail from his hands and across his flat stomach as he walked past. “I’m making a cuppa, you want one?” She shouted after him.

Dan shouted that he did over his shoulder as he made his way up the stairs. Up in their bedroom, Dan let himself fall backwards onto the unmade bed, still warmed from a mix of the sun the remnants of his lay in this morning. He groaned as he brought his hands together above his head and stretched his arms straight, feet lifting from the floor at the same time. Feeling the muscles stretch and pull in a satisfying way, his arms went slack and the slight ringing in his ears from the stretch, dissipated.

Dan sat up and picked his phone up from the bedside table. The charger was slightly too short for his current position and he had to lean forward and so his elbows were on his knees. Unlocking the screen, Dan smiled at the wallpaper image of him and Anna hugging a large black Great Dane. Lola belonged to Anna’s Uncle John and was as spoilt as she was big. Her huge bear paws and lovable nature meant that everywhere they went, John would be stopped as people cooed and petted her. Dan loved when John came to visit as he always brought Lola with him, and he could happily put up with the drool if it meant that he got to run his fingertips over her soft velvety ears and smush his face into the skin at her neck. He so desperately wanted a pet that he could shower with love and snuggle in the evenings. If it wasn’t for the hefty deposit the agent had demanded when they’d initially enquired, Dan knew he’d be waking up to wet snuffles and kisses every morning.

Dan pressed his finger against the message icon and smiled at the text filled his screen.

`**Liv:** PARTAAAAAYYYY!!!!!!!!`

His childhood friend, Liv was very excitable and even though her birthday was over three months ago, she was determined to treat this evenings plans as an extension of the event. Dan’s fingers flew across the screen as he typed a response.

`**Dan:** When? Tonight? I have plans :D `

Dan wasn’t surprised as his phone chirped and buzzed in his hands. Despite her insistence that he was over exaggerating, Dan knew all too well how panicky Liv became if her phone was not permanently in her hand. He was adamant that he’d caught her sleeping with it clutched to her heart and a look of adoration painted across her sleeping features.

` **Liv:** Yea you do PAAARRRTTTAAAYY!!! Im so looking forward to dancing and drinking and deviance!`

A series of questionable emoji’s followed Liv’s text and Dan grimaced.

`**Dan:** Speak for yourself. There’ll be no deviance on my part. I’m a certified good boy!`

`**Liv:** Whatever, Howell. Just don’t be late x`

Dan placed the phone back on the bedside table, noting the time. He was due to be in London at his friend’s house by seven. He had four and a half hours before he had to be at the train station, Dan reasoned that it wasn’t worth changing into day clothes now as he’d only be pulling them off to shower in a couple of hours anyway. Standing up, he ran his fingers through his curling hair and started back down the stairs to drink the coffee he hoped was still hot.

*~*~*

The sun seemed to have loitered in the same place on the blue canvas of the sky since it had rudely forced Dan out of bed earlier. Freshly washed and smelling slightly of a sweet shower wash Anna insisted on purchasing he could feel the heat of the direct sunlight making his skin on the back of his neck prickle and the roots of his brown hair were starting to moisten, despite being recently dried. The natural looking soft curls and shortened sides of his current style belied how much time he had actually spent in front of the mirror already, trying to get it just how he wanted it.

Standing in a pair of garish, colourfully patterned boxers facing the mirror in the bathroom, Dan had been running irritated fingers through his hair for nearly ten minutes when Anna had walked up behind him, rested her forehead against the middle of Dan’s back, between his shoulder blades, and wrapped her arms around his middle, palms flat against his stomach.

“Have you checked the train times for tomorrow?” Anna’s lips brushed against his skin as she spoke.

“I got an open return ticket. I think Liv mentioned getting breakfast somewhere. They run every half hour still on Sundays, I checked,” Dan replied. “There’s people coming from all over. Some old uni friends and I think some people we went to school with back in Woking, so I’ve no idea what the plans are after dinner tonight.”

“That sounds nice,” Anna said as she unwrapped her arms from Dan’s middle and moved away. He turned slowly to face her, and she raised her arms to his hair, running her fingers through it and styling it to the side the way she knew Dan liked.

“Yea, it should be. Liv has promised me it will be worth spending the night on her two seater sofa. I’m not so sure, but you know how hard it is to argue with her.”

Anna smiled, “You’ll be fine. Go out and have fun, honestly she’s been planning this night for so long, I’ll be glad to not be hearing about it anymore.”

“Yea, me too,” Dan joked. “She was telling me that I had to get her another present to give to her tonight. Her birthday was three months ago! She was very insistent, but I managed to resist the urge to spend more of our hard earned money on crap she doesn’t need.”

Anna lifted onto her tiptoes and pressed her lips against Dan’s. “You’re such a good friend,” she said, teasing and unsuccessfully trying not to snicker.

Dan grinned against her lips, “You bet I am.” He ran his hands down her sides and over the soft cheeks of her bum, lifting her thighs so her legs wrapped around his waist and he was carrying her into their bedroom. Reaching the bed, he leaned forward and dropped Anna onto the crumpled off-white bedspread, leaning over her with arm either side of her head. He pressed kiss after kiss onto her cheeks, her nose, her eyelids, and anywhere else he could reach. Anna’s hands lifted from their place on the quilt and she ran her nails lightly up his sides to rest on his back, her smile bright and open.

Dan moved his head to her ear and whispered, “Stop trying to distract me.”

Anna giggled as she moved her hands around to his bare chest, manicured nails gently pushing him up and off the bed as she rolled off also. Dan watched her leave, her hips swaying with exaggerated movements and a sultry wink thrown over her shoulder.

Dan strode over to the large black wooden wardrobe and opened the door which housed his clothing. Dan felt certain the sun was mocking his array of dark clothing, daring him to put on any black, and assuring him it would try to shine a little hotter, just for him. After a moment of deliberation, Dan pulled a plain black shirt with white buttons from the hanger and shrugged it over his shoulders, He reasoned that the three quarter length sleeves would help him remain somewhat cool, whilst protecting the carefully cultivated edgy and macabre branding that Anna was so keen on teasing him about. She’d later joked that it was one of the reasons she had decided to kiss him that evening of their first proper date, declaring that he’d needed some cheer and light in his life. She’d slotted into his life and continued chipping away at the walls Dan had built up around himself until eventually, and much to her delighted squeals of having cured him, Dan had worn a pale pink jumper to her families’ barbeque. Dan considered it a small compromise to see her so happy.

Smiling at the memory, Dan grabbed one of the number of black skinny jeans which hung together, and sat back on the bed, pulling them over his long legs. Socks and shoes followed a spray of some fragrance Anna had bought him last Christmas and he considered himself ready. He picked up his phone from the bedside table and placed it into his pocket.

Back in the kitchen, Dan opened the designated junk drawer in which lived all the odds and ends which didn’t seem to have a home anywhere else in the house. When tidying, Dan found he was often placing items into the drawer because he couldn’t be bothered to taken them upstairs to their proper place. He grabbed a pair of sunglasses, placing them over his eyes. Despite being inside, the bright sunlight streaming in the large window meant that he could still see clearly.

Walking up to Anna who had just entered the room, he placed his fingers under her chin, and a kiss against her lips. “I’m off. Are you in all day tomorrow or should I take my key?”

Anna returned the kiss, before pouting and saying “I’m in all day. I have to finish that marking I brought home before Monday, so I won’t be going anywhere. Have fun, and be careful.”

“I will, wish your nan well from me. If you need me to come back, text me. Love you.” Dan smiled as he walked out of the door, hearing Anna’s shouted “I will, love you too,” as he pushed his sunglasses up his nose and made his way down the drive towards the road.

The nearest train station was a twenty minute walk away, if he walked briskly. With the traffic adding to the stifling heat, Dan took his time, determined not to arrive at Liv’s sweaty and damp. The cool of the air conditioned station was a blessed relief and Dan stood breathing deeply for a few moments, letting the cool air circulating around his body dry the moistness on his forehead. The darkened blinds which had been pulled down the glass walls of the modern station meant that Dan had to lift his glasses on top of his head to read the Platform displays.

“The next train to depart from platform two is the seventeen thirty eight to Kings Cross, St Pancras, calling at…” The recorded female voice called out from the speakers and Dan made off towards the barriers, taking his tickets from his wallet to feed them through the barrier and start a fast walk towards the overpass which would lead him across the train line to the second platform. As he bounced down the last of the steps to land on the platform, the dark blue and yellow train was pulling up to the platform, the grinding metal and whooshing noises getting steadily louder.

Crowds gathered around the doors as they waited for them to open and Dan joined the nearest group of people, entering the airless, muggy train carriage and walking down the aisle as he searched for a group of empty seats. The thing was, Dan was cocky and over confident with his friends, sometimes even seeming arrogant to those who didn’t know him that well, but when he wasn’t surrounded by familiar people, he was anxious and nervous. He often found himself so worried about saying something that would embarrass him that he spoke in monosyllabic words and short sentences. With a wash of dread Dan realised that there were no groups of seats left where he could sit alone, it seemed everyone else in Kent was also choosing this Saturday evening to spend a night out in London.

Coming to the end of the train carriage, Dan slid into a seat beside a man who appeared to be talking with two of his friends who were sat across from him. It was obvious by the way the three men were seated on the six seats that they were not being saved. As he sat, all three pairs of eyes turned to him and Dan felt his cheeks flush slightly with heat.

“Sorry, is someone sitting here?” Dan asked, desperately trying to keep at bay the waver in his voice which threatened to be heard.

“Nah, mate. Have a seat,” said one of the men, who Dan guessed was older than he was, probably in his thirties. He was sat opposite Dan wearing dark blue jeans and a white shirt which was already creasing. As Dan heard him speak, he looked closer at their easy laughter and slow movements, he guessed they were probably already drunk.

The man beside Dan turned towards him and leaned over to throw a hand over his shoulders, pulling him closer to sit in the group. “Train friend!” he shouted to the others who cheered. Dan cringed at the contact and tried to ignore the panic sweeping from his toes to the ends of his hair in waves.

The forty minute journey was hellish and Dan hated every second of it. He’d managed to extricate himself from the arms of 'Train Friend Number Two' and managed to mostly placate the three intoxicated men by giving one worded, short answers to their questions and occasionally smiling to appear as though he was paying attention. Luckily the journey through the Underground was much smoother, and there were no other people intent on invading his personal space.

At quarter to seven, Dan stood at a heavy wooden door, pressing the buzzer to his friend’s flat. He kept his finger pressed down obnoxiously, cackling when he heard a shouted “Fuck off!” echoing down from a window above him. The door buzzed and Dan let himself into the cool painted brick hallway and up the concrete stairs to Liv’s.

Arriving at the door, it swung open to reveal a woman with plum coloured hair, styled into ringlets from her ears to just below her breasts. She was wearing a short black dress and heels which he was sure could not be comfortable. Her hazel eyes lit up at the sight of Dan and she screamed over the sound of bass coming from inside the flat.

“Dan!”

“Liv! Looking good!” Dan grinned and opened his arms to accept the hug she was already pulling him into. Liv was tall, and her heels added extra height, but Dan could still rest his chin upon the top of her head.

Pulling away, Liv chattered excitedly, “You too! Come in, we’ve got pre-drinks going and people are here already.” She grabbed his hand and pulled him into the lit hallway, Dan just managed to close the door behind himself as he was forcibly dragged towards the loud noise of dance music and lots of voices. Arriving at the living room, Liv grabbed a glass of violently blue liquid and pushed it into Dan’s hands.

“Here, drink up!” She shouted as she used the tips of her fingers to tip the cup up towards Dan’s lips and encourage him to drink. Dan smiled and tentatively took a sip, a sweet bubble gum taste mixed with alcohol bursting on his tongue as he swallowed. Olivia grinned excitedly and clapped her hands, disappearing into the crowd of people in the room.

Dan moved towards the nearest wall as quickly as he could and leant back against the cool brick sipping his drink, watching Liv take an offered drink from someone and tip it back. He had known her since they were at primary school; deciding they were going to be best friends on the first day. When they’d sat next to each other during story time and Liv’d given him the big giraffe teddy bear she’d been clutching to stop him from being sad at the story about the fish with shiny scales who didn’t have any friends, Dan knew they would face the world together. They’d remained firm best friends all through secondary school too, and Dan’s parents were certain that they would one day be introducing Liv to the family as his wife.

Dan had known that the connection he and Liv shared was that of best friends. He supposed that Liv must have known it too. Throughout all the years that they’d spent together, she’d never once raised her lips to meet his. Never once laced her fingers into his and turned towards him with intent in her eyes. Dan found it odd that everyone had expected that there must have been something more to their friendship than there was, that they assumed he and Liv were missing out on something because their relationship was not romantic or sexual. He found it rankled on his nerves that it was expected that they couldn’t be content with the beauty of their friendship as it was. The love he felt for Liv didn’t need to be said with lingering touches nor the press of lips.

After school, going to different universities meant that they’d drifted apart. Dan had dropped out of university and started his job at the large mental health charity where he still worked within their marketing and promotions department. He’d met Anna and developed his own set of friends from work and another set of friends from the running group he joined as often as he could drag himself out of bed every Saturday morning. Facebook, Instagram and Twitter meant that he still kept up to date with a number of friends from school, but Liv was the only one who he met up with or spoke to with any regularity. He always supposed it was the fear of feeling as though he had wasted all those years being best friends with someone which made him put the extra effort into holding on to the friendship he has with Liv. He feels he owes it to his younger self to attend her parties, buy her birthday gifts and send her an invite to the garden parties he and Anna had held over the summers they had been in their home.

By the time Dan had finished his drink, the room was packed and despite the open windows, Dan could feel his hair flattening on his head and the beginnings of a bead of sweat dripping down the back of his neck. He was about to push away from the wall and refill his drink when someone knocked into his side.

Dan turned towards the person but stopped in shock as he felt hands come to rest loosely on either side of his neck. The hands belonged to a man with black hair pushed off his forehead and the most piercing blue eyes Dan had ever seen on a person. He was nearly as tall as Dan, his slim frame pushed up against his whole body from chest to knee. Dan could feel the man’s fingertips tapping lightly against his jaw, and the push of his firm chest as he breathed against Dan, trapping him against the wall.

The heat in the room seemed to intensify and a smile lit up the other man’s face, the end of his tongue coming to rest between his teeth. Dan felt as though the light around him was blinding, as though the other people in the room were fading into the bright white of this man’s joy. Dan couldn’t help but smile back at the delight this man seemed to radiate from his very pores. Automatically, Dan’s free hand came up to rest on the fabric of the dark blue shirt which covered the man’s hip, and Dan felt acutely aware of the band of the black skinny jeans which he could feel under palm. Dan’s hand twitched slightly as the man let out a giggle and Dan felt the bone of the man’s hip under his thumb as it moved.

The attractive stranger leant forward slightly, his eyes hooded and leaving Dan’s own to travel down to his lips. Dan swallowed, caught in a strange surreal moment of not being sure whether he was still in his own body. The man’s hands slipped from his neck and came to rest against his chest. With a breathy laugh, he leaned in towards Dan and pressed his soft lips against the side of Dan’s neck. The stranger’s breath was damp and warm on Dan’s neck as time seemed to slow around them.

The sound of the bass reverberated through Dan’s body, and he was sure the stranger would be able to feel his heart buzzing and the adrenaline spiking though his skin, making his fingers tingle where they sat against the man’s hip. He felt almost dizzy with and was sure he going to pass out when suddenly, the air in front of Dan was cold and empty, the stranger having been pulled back and being jostled away into the dancing crowd.

A shorter stranger, with dirty blonde hair and stubble which he supposed looked fashionable was looking at Dan and gesticulating, his mouth moving although Dan could still only hear the blood rushing in his ears.

“S… Sorry?” Dan managed to stammer out an apology after realising this man must have been trying to tell him something.

The blonde man shouted over the noise, “I’m sorry about Phil, he’s too handsy for his own good when he’s had a bit to drink.”

Dan’s mind seemed as thick as treacle, the words taking time to travel from his ears to his brain so he could process them. “No harm done,” Dan eventually replied. As the blonde turned and retreated to his friends, Dan took a deep breath in. His mind was racing as he tried to process what had just happened, staring blankly into the crowd and not really seeing. There was a feeling deep at the bottom of his spine, a pressure, Dan thought, or maybe an itch, which seemed to be spreading slowly to his stomach and chest. As Dan focused on the crowd, he mouthed the name of the attractive stranger who had caused this feeling.

**Phil.**

With a sharp intake of breath, Dan realised that he had been staring intensely into azure blue eyes. As the stranger, Phil, held Dan’s gaze and his lips raised into a shy smile, Dan instantly recognised the feeling at the bottom of his spine, as it flooded his senses and took his breath away.

Arousal.


	2. Give You The Light

Dan always knew he got caught up in moments. They rushed up to him, took his hand and dragged him along for the ride, encouraging him to speak a little louder, move a little bigger… live a little more. He always found that the problem with moments was: that was all they were. Short, fleeting periods of time with no care or thought as to the mess of feelings and anxiety which he would have to endure in the days, weeks and sometimes months following his rash behaviour.

He would come to remember the moment Phil jostled into his life as the biggest **moment** of it to date. It had been a relatively short moment, barely a few seconds, but the pounding of his heart against his ribcage and the spike of adrenaline causing pins and needles in his toes and fingertips meant that it felt like a lifetime.

A little shaky, Dan pushed away from the wall, keeping to the edges of the room as he made his way to the dark wooden unit on which sat more alcohol than Dan had ever seen in one place outside of a supermarket. Bottles, cans, glasses and cartons of different liquids stood in a mess with some cups and bottle openers. He grabbed one of the large, clear plastic cups, eyeing the range of options. It felt as if he could feel a moment lurking behind him, whispering in his ear, urging him, so with a determined look on his face, he threw caution to the wind and ladled some of the bright red punch from the bowl and into his cup. Maybe this time, he would be the one creating moments.

Dan swallowed the contents of the cup in three large gulps, it had a fruity blackcurrant flavour, not dissimilar to an undiluted Ribena which burned his throat as he swallowed. As he refilled his cup, he felt hands wrap around his waist. Freezing in place, he held his breath.

Liv’s breath tickled his ear as she spoke, “Hello, you!”

Dan released the breath he was holding and turned to smile at his friend. Liv had clearly been drinking in greater quantities and at a greater than he had, her limbs had a looseness and a heavy quality to them that was noticeable in the slight sway as she stood in those ridiculously high heels. Dan held his cup up to her and tried to block out the sounds of the blaring music from the speakers around the room. She took the cup from his hands and he noticed how clammy her fingers felt against his own.

“Are you having fun?” he spoke loudly into her ear.

“Of course I’m having fun. The question is, are you having fun?” She pulled back and looked questioningly into his eyes.

Dan frowned. “Um… Yea, it’s alright.”

Her laugh rang out high pitched and carefree. “You look so uncomfortable, Daniel. Drink some more, relax a little, dance with me.” The statement was accompanied with a wink.

“I’m not uncomfortable,” Dan prickled, “I just feel too old for all this. We’re not fifteen anymore you know.”

“Too old? You’re twenty-six, I’ve friends in their forties who go out and have fun more than you do!”

“I have fun! What is this assault on me today?” Dan held his hand to his chest, mocking a look of offence.

“Look, Howell. Most of the people here are older than you. When down in sleepy Kent, you are allowed to sit in the garden with your artisan beer poured into a glass, and tuck yourself away to play your games in the office, lest you upset the aesthetics of the living space. But you’re in London now, baby. You will party with the best of us. You will drink cheap cider from a can, you will talk to my lovely guests… and you will come out clubbing with us tonight?” The end of her sentence trailed away into a question and a sheepish look crossed her face.

Dan was surprised she’d managed to get so many words out in the correct order. He knew he was old before his time, no one felt it more keenly than he did himself. He could still remember with shocking clarity the time he had spent at college and university finding himself, going to the pub and drinking all night, sitting on the grass at the local park whilst his friends passed cans of cheap beer around. He’d even been a little freer during the year he spent at university; attending house parties, talking openly to the many strangers he met along the way, even occasionally finding himself pushed up against a wall with a tongue exploring his mouth.

But with age, work, and responsibilities had come the crushing panic of potential embarrassment. He felt it so keenly that he knew a simple moment of embarrassing himself would mean weeks of crisis. Dan still suffered from the occasional cringe attack and technicolour retelling of his most embarrassing moments, and he’d been ‘a certified good boy’ for the last six or seven years. He could only imagine the dark room he’d have had to lock himself away into if he’d not changed his ways.

Suddenly, Liv’s last words seemed to process in his brain. “Hold on. Clubbing? I thought this was the party?”

“Well, it’s more pre-drinks before the main event.” Liv replied. “But you’re having fun right? We’re just moving the fun to another building. With a DJ, lights, and a dance floor.”

Dan sighed, a smile pulling at the corner of his lips, “Do I get a choice?”

“I knew you wouldn’t let me down!” She squealed.

“You owe me big.”

Liv moved her hand to tap on his chest with the cup she was still holding. “Yea, yea. I’ll come to your boring garden parties.”

Dan placed his palm on top of hers, “Boring? They’re fucking delightful.”

She laughed as she turned away. “Properly delightful, I promise!”

Dan laughed with her as he took his cup from her hand and watched as she retreated. Well, back to grabbing that moment by the horns, Dan thought.

*~*~*

It had gone ten o’clock by the time Liv had managed to convince everyone of the brilliance of her plan to go out clubbing. She had shouted at them over the groans and boos as the music was turned off, and had had to start manhandling people out of the living room and towards the door, shouting the name of the club they were to make their way to as often and as loudly as she could.

Dan had managed to drink more than he remembered ever drinking since he had left his university days behind. His lack of recent recreational drinking experience meant the weight of his limbs, and the thick cotton of his thoughts seemed almost familiar and comforting. The summer sun had faded and the fairy lights in the flat added a surreal almost dream like quality to the room.

Dan moved with the crowd of twenty or so intoxicated guests towards the hall. As they bottle-necked at the door way, he was forced to take little steps and the lack of space meant he felt unsteady and wobbled slightly. He raised his hands and placed his palms against the back of the person in front, head bowed to watch his feet in an attempt to make sure he didn’t fall flat on his face.

The feel of the soft cotton under Dan’s hands felt amazing, and seemed to calm the buzzing sound of the blood rushing in his ears. The owner of the blue and black tartan shirt continued shuffling forward with the small crowd. Dan dug his fingers in a little and could feel the warmth of the body underneath and tried to ignore the feeling of everyone else invading his personal space. Someone behind him kept kicking his heels as they moved slowly forward.

After a few sweaty seconds, Dan felt the coolness of the air in the flats’ concrete public hallway enter his lungs. His hands had fallen to his sides as the people around him spread out. Suddenly his forehead and nose were making contact with a warm, solid surface and jolted him from his focus on his own feet.

“Sorry,” Dan said quickly, “I thought you’d…” He stopped mid-sentence.

Phil was looking at him, his face so very close to Dan’s, and a look of surprise melting into a full smile which crinkled the skin around his eyes.

“Ah, we meet again.” Phil spoke, mocking a deep, aristocratic accent whilst offering a hand towards Dan.

Dan awkwardly shook the offered hand. “Er, yea. Although, I have to wonder if this is this not a bit of a step back in the progression of our relationship?”

Phil grimaced a little and had the grace to look apologetic. “Sorry about that… earlier… my friends have been plying me with drinks since this afternoon. It turns out I’m much more friendly drunk than I am sober. Thanks for not knocking me out.”

The downcast look and frown on Phil’s face made Dan’s heart skip a couple of beats.

“Mate, it’s fine. I mean, it was unexpected, but can you imagine me trying to hit someone with these noodle arms?”

Phil smiled as he met Dan’s eyes. “I don’t know, I’ve been told that my drunk self is a very specific brand of annoying. My friends would have probably offered you a very manly high five in thanks.”

“With my lack of coordination, I’d probably end up accidently hitting one of them.” Dan no longer felt drunk, the cool air of the hallway had sobered him up a little and the gentle hum of feeling tipsy warmed his skin and made him feel carefree.

Phil responded with a smile, and they set off down the staircase, following the crowd of people into the street.

*~*~*

The walk to the nightclub had given Dan and Phil an opportunity to talk, their intoxicated ramblings at the time had seemed deep and insightful. From the streets, to queuing at the entrance, to where they were now standing at the bar, a line of empty shot glasses in front of them they had not stopped talking for even a few seconds. He had discovered that Phil worked at the local news station and Dan had told him about his own job at the charity. They had bonded over their shared love of playing video games for longer than was considered appropriate for a fully functioning adult.

It was so easy talking to Phil. Dan knew objectively that it was the alcohol still coursing through both of their bodies, but it didn’t stop the increase of his heart beat every time Phil laughed at his jokes or Dan caught him staring as they walked. He found Phil stood close to his front; his shoulder occasionally knocking into Dan’s, and the bare skin of their arms brushing as they sipped the drinks they had just bought. Each brief contact made the hairs on Dan’s skin prickle and that coil of heat in his stomach grow.

He knew that he found Phil attractive. His pale skin and dark hair were exactly the kind of look he’d been striving to achieve as a teen. Dan was itching to run his fingers through Phil’s hair and see whether that quiff looked as good styled as an emo fringe as he imagined it probably would. His black skinny jeans and fitted shirt matched Dan’s own and he enjoyed being able to lean over and speak into Phil’s ear without having to force his back and shoulders down into an uncomfortable arch.

They moved away from the bar as the glares from the other club goers trying to order drinks became impossible to ignore. Leaning against a wall in a dark corner of the club, they sipped their drinks and watched for the friends they could see in the dim club.

“So, Dan, I have a very lonely second controller at my flat, and it may need rescuing from its life of solitude.” Phil looked a little nervous, but grinned as he spoke.

“What? Your controller is lonely?”

“Yea, really lonely. You know, he might appreciate someone occasionally, you know, coming to my flat and maybe, joining me in a co-op game. You know, so that he fulfils his life’s purpose and all that.”

Dan laughed loudly, “You’re such a weird person! You could just ask me to come play video games with you, you know.”

“I really do think he’s lonely! No one plays with him, you don’t appreciate what difficult lives second controllers have!”

“Ok, Phil,” Dan rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Just give me your phone.” He held his hand out towards Phil and noticed how Phil’s eyes lit up as he rummaged around in the back pocket of his jeans before unlocking his phone and handing it to Dan. He quickly added his name and number into the contacts of Phil’s phone and drop called his own number before handing it back. As he took the phone, Phil’s hand came to rest fully on top of Dan’s and his fingers pressed lightly against the underneath of his wrist. Dan’s breath caught in his throat.

Dan reached into his own back pocket and pulled out his phone. He tapped the missed call notification and added Phil’s name and number to his own contact list. Back on his home screen he noticed a new text message.

`**Wifey:** Hey, nan is OK. Shes bruised but not in pain. Im home now. hope you are having fun. Love you. Xx `

Guilt coursed through Dan’s veins as he read the text message. He’d completely forgotten that he’d asked Anna to let him know how her Nan was. He’d almost forgotten that he had a life outside of this nightclub and the strange possibility of a friendship with Phil.

Dan had never met another male who intrigued and ignited a fire under his skin the way Phil did. It wasn’t that he himself was straight, or gay, or even bi, for that matter. It was more that he had spent his younger years discovering his true self in both the boys and girls he met along the way. Anna just happened to be the one who stuck. It wasn’t even that he never spoke openly about his feelings that gender were not important to his ability to find someone attractive or to fall in love with them. Because he had Anna, those types of conversations just never came up, and Dan was happy to let them assume. He was happy with Anna… wasn’t he?

Dan locked his phone and put it back in his pocket. He was still buzzing from the alcohol and knew that it was probably too late to reply anyway. He looked up at Phil and met his eyes.

“Everything alright? You were frowning.”

“Yea… nah, it’s nothing.”

The silence hung heavy between them. They hadn’t looked away from each other, and Dan’s heart fluttered as Phil took a small step towards him. He sighed and leaned in towards Phil too, his breath much shallower and the familiar feelings of lust crashing over him in waves. His skin felt too hot and he gripped his glass tightly, lest it slip from his fingers.

“So, when’s our play date?” Phil’s breath tickled the skin under his ear as he spoke. Dan’s breath hitched and he swallowed the whimper that threatened to fall from his lips. Phil was so much more intoxicating than any alcohol he had ever had before and his brain was shouting Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil at him. It was deafening, even over the music. Phil’s fingers tentatively touched against the bare skin of his arm and his eyes flitted across Dan’s face, searching for his reaction. He parted his lips as if to speak, and Dan moved instinctively, closing the gap between them and pressing his own lips gently against Phil’s.

To Dan it felt as if the whole club had disappeared. There was darkness all around them, but somewhere a bright light was being shone on them, and he could see them both clearly, as if up on a stage, set apart from everyone else.

A surprised noise escaped Phil, before he leaned into the kiss, raising his hand to rest on Dan’s collarbone, his fingers pressing lightly against the pulse point on his neck. Dan took a step forward bringing his body flush with Phil’s, and placed his hand on his hip, the same place it had occupied earlier in the evening. This seemed to encourage Phil, who pressed forward against Dan’s taller frame.

They part and Dan leant his forehead against Phil’s, their warm, wet breath mixing in the small amount of space they’d left between their lips. It’s hot and needy, and Dan’s feels his fingers dig into the flesh of Phil’s hip as he leans forward and kisses Phil again, now desperate to feel the soft lips against his own. When he feels Phil’s tongue against his lips, Dan parted them and groaned into the feeling of making out with this beautiful man. It’s been so long since he’d done something as reckless as making out in a nightclub, and he couldn’t deny the thrill that passed over him at the thought that people might see them.

Phil moved away and started kissing across Dan’s cheek and down his neck. Reaching his collar bone, Phil started pressing gentle bites up against the other side. Dan gasped Phil’s name, and placed his hand against the small of his back, forcing Phil’s body even closer.

“Dan, can we…” Phil’s lips moved under Dan’s jaw.

Dan never got a chance to hear the rest of Phil’s sentence as he pulled away from him, his arm remaining in its place against his back. He tipped the last of his drink back, and moved away from their darkened corner, taking Phil’s hand in his as he walked away with purpose.

Phil placed his now empty cup on a passing table as he was led away. Dan led them to the furthest toilets, where he slowed down and tightened his grip on Phil’s hand, meaning he had to stay close behind him. He pushed through the door into a large room with black shiny tiles on every surface and dim orange lighting and supposed it must be a decorating choice to try and hide grimy the place was.

Dan’s steps faltered as a woman left a nearby cubicle and started washing her hands.

“They’re mixed toilets.” Dan heard the words spoken quietly against the back of his neck.

Dan continued walking slowly, distracted by the kisses Phil was now pressing against the back of his neck. He avoided making eye contact at the woman as they passed, and by the time they had gotten to the end cubicle, she was pushing open the door to leave. Dan rushed forward into the cubicle, pulling Phil in behind him and then pushing him back against the door as he locked it. The music blaring through the speakers in the ceiling was just as loud as in the main nightclub, but Dan could still hear Phil’s quiet voice as he spoke with a grin.

“I feel like such a teenager.” He said as he pushed his hands under the back of Dan’s shirt, pulling him flush with his body again.

Dan could feel himself starting to harden and moved to grind his hips against Phil’s, a quiet moan escaping his lips. Phil squeezed his eyes shut at the pressure and rested his head back against the cubicle door. 

“Are we really doing this?” Dan spoke against Phil’s exposed neck as he pressed open mouthed kisses against it.

“You brought me here. I assumed you had a plan.”

“I did, didn’t I? I was er… I definitely don’t have a plan.”

A shot of nervous energy made Dan unsure. He really didn’t have a solid idea of what he was doing. He had been acting on instinct, but when he stopped to think about what he should be doing, he found that his mind was a blank.

Phil’s hands moved to rest either side of Dan’s face, gently lifting his head to meet his eyes. Dan could tell he was waiting for him to do something more, maybe to tell him what he had wanted when he’d dragged him into this cubicle. The problem was, Dan wasn’t entirely sure he knew. He hadn’t felt the hard angular planes of another man under his hands in so many years, he was a little nervous.

“We don’t have to. We can go back out there.”

Dan jumped slightly as he heard the cubicle door beside them bang closed. A pink flush had risen to Phil’s cheeks, and Dan knew with absolute certainty that whatever they ended up doing, he absolutely did want to do it. It felt has if every cell in his body was calling out to Phil, as though the very act of drawing breath was only possible if Phil was looking at him like he was just now.

“I really, really want to.” Dan admitted, quietly.

Phil huffed out a breath and turned them, holding Dan against the door with his hips. Dan was fully hard now, and the bulge of Phil’s erection pressing against his own through their jeans made white hot arousal flash though his veins.

Phil’s fingers started undoing the buttons on Dan’s shirt. “You’re so fucking gorgeous.”

“Fuck.” Dan whimpered and pulled Phil’s lips to his own in a bruising, messy kiss. With his shirt undone and pushed off his shoulders, Dan started undoing his belt and the zipper of his jeans as Phil was removing his own shirt, placing it on the shelf behind the toilet.

Phil’s fingers took over from Dan’s and pushed his jeans down his hips, immediately cupping Dan’s cock through his boxers. Dan released a load groan at the pressure. Phil’s other hand came up and covered his mouth. His senses were filled with Phil’s woodsy, masculine scent, made even headier when he felt fingers dip beneath the waistline of his boxers and finally wrap around his cock.

Phil started stroking him at a fast pace, occasionally slipping his thumb up and over his slit. Dan screwed his eyes closed and tried to remember to breathe. He couldn’t remember ever feeling this aroused before, his whole body thrumming with heat and lust. He reached around and squeezed Phil’s arse before moving to undo his jeans and pushing both his them and boxers down to his thighs in one motion.

Dan looked down at Phil’s exposed cock, the head resting against his stomach, red and leaking pre-come, and his brain short-circuited. Phil’s hand over his mouth moved and the tips of his middle and fore fingers pushed past the seal of his lips, resting against his tongue. Dan sucked on the fingers, loving the sharp taste of Phil’s sweat.

Dan raked his nails down Phil’s back and as he felt the silky smooth of Phil’s cock against his own. Phil had gripped both their cocks in his hand and was setting a quick pace. Dan could feel his orgasm approaching already, he wondered briefly whether he should be embarrassed at how quickly he was going to come.

“Shit, I’m gonna be fast.” Phil’s fingers left his mouth as he spoke and Dan lifted his hands to pull Phil’s head to crash their mouths together in another messy kiss which was all teeth and tongue.

Dan came with a deep groan which was muffled by Phil’s mouth against his own. The release of the building tension was a white hot electric shock through his system that left his toes curling and his fingers tingling. Phil stroked him through his orgasm, keeping the ruthless pace as he chased his own high. Barely a minute later Phil sucked in a breath as he came hard over his own hand, his release mixing with Dan’s and covering his hand as he worked himself through it. His mouth had fallen open against Dan’s as he panted, breathing in the air that Dan breathed out.

Phil bumped his nose lightly against Dan’s and sighed in content. “Well. That happened.”

Dan smiled down at Phil and pressed their lips together in a quick, chaste kiss. “Yea. It really did.”

“Are you okay? Erm… everything good.”

Dan looked sincerely into Phil’s eyes, “So fucking good.”

And the scary thing was, Dan thought, it really was good. He was in a dirty cubicle, kissing someone who wasn’t his girlfriend, with another man’s cock against his own, with a stranger’s come drying on his stomach, and yet Dan knew he felt happier than he had in a long time. Even now, his memory of the event was almost reverent, as though experienced through rose-tinted glasses.

Phil’s whole face lit up with his smile. He pressed a final kiss to Dan’s lips and pushed away from him, pushing a wad of toilet tissue into his hands. Dan wiped his stomach clean, pulled his jeans and boxers back up, and started buttoning his shirt. He watched as Phil did the same, pulling the sleeves over his shoulders. Dan pushed the hands away and buttoned Phil’s shirt for him. It felt too intimate, almost worshipful, but there was an empty feeling of guilt starting to grow in Dan’s gut and he desperately chasing the feeling of completeness he’d felt only moments before.

Dressed and somewhat presentable, they listened for any noise, and decided it was as safe as it was ever going to be to leave the cubicle. Dan left first, shame heating his cheeks as he caught eyes in the mirror with a dark haired man who was washing his hands. Phil followed close behind him and they stood beside each at the sink as running their hands under the stream of hot water. Dan looked up and studied the sight of them both in the mirror, they looked as though they had just been doing exactly what they had just done.

As Dan continued looking at Phil’s ruffled, black hair, the dark lashes against his pale cheekbones, the blush of his own cheekbones and his red, swollen lips, there was only one thought crashing through his mind.

What the fuck had he just done?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your kind words and kudos!


	3. The World In Black And White

Dan followed Phil from the bathroom, his head bowed and so many thoughts whirling around his mind. He couldn’t believe he had just wanked someone off in the bathroom of a night club. Not just someone… a stranger… and a man! It shouldn’t matter how attractive the man was, or how turned on and titillating the thought of sex with a stranger was, or even that he’d wanted it so desperately with every fibre of his being that he’d been actively flirting with Phil all night.

Even now, with the heat of shame setting his cheeks aflame, Dan so desperately wanted to feel Phil’s skin under his fingertips again. He yearned to hear those deep breathy moans pass his lips and to push his tongue into Phil’s mouth and have the sharp alcoholic taste of Phil’s earlier drink on his tongue again.

Without consciously deciding, Dan lifted his hands and placed them either side on the back of Phil’s waist as he was led from the bathroom and across the nightclub. Dan was walking as close to Phil as was practical, the toes of his shoes occasionally catching the heels of Phil’s, and his forehead rested against the nape of Phil’s neck.

They continued this slow, intimate conga line to the bar, where Phil stopped and Dan finally let his hands fall to his sides and side stepped to rest beside him. Phil’s friends were stood around them.

“There you are, mate. We wondered where you’d gotten to. Where have you been?” The blonde friend from earlier was speaking to Phil, but his eyes kept flicking over to Dan. Dan shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

“Oh, we were just…” Phil started to say.

Dan interrupted him, the words coming out in a rush, “I thought I was gonna be sick. Phil was checking I was ok. You know… with all the alcohol… and stuff.” Dan trailed off, not sure if he had been convincing.

Blonde guy eyed Dan, seeming to size him up. “Well, that sounds like Phil. He can’t help but pick up strays. I’m Josh.” As he spoke, he held out a large hand, and Dan took it uneasily, he always felt a little out of place shaking someone’s hand.

Dan glanced quickly at Phil, who was looking back with a raised eyebrow. “Dan,” he replied as he felt his hand clasped in Josh’s. A moment of panic crossed his mind as he realised that he’d had that very same hand on Phil’s cock only ten or so minutes ago, and he felt sure that Phil’s friend would somehow be able to tell. Then again, the warmth of the blush he could feel creeping across his collar and up his neck would probably be a dead giveaway.

The other two of Phil’s friends introduced themselves as Matt and Chris and they spared Dan another handshake by offering a nod instead.

“It’s your round, Phil,” Matt said, running one hand through his dark hair and raising an almost empty pint glass to his lips with the other. He put the finished glass down on the surface of the bar, and looked at Phil expectantly.

Phil was already reaching into his back pocket for his wallet by the time Dan had turned to him. He was searching his mind trying to come up with something to say when Phil beat him to it, “What’re you having?”

“Erm… oh nothing, you don’t have to.”

“It’s fine. What’ll you have?” Phil raised a hand to Dan’s elbow, not quite touching enough for Dan to feel it, but enough to displace the air above his skin and cause the hairs on his arm to stand on end. His eyes search Dan’s face, and he felt that warmth rush through him again.

“I’ll have whatever you’re having. Thanks.”

Phil nodded a small smile and turned towards the bar, waiting to be served.

Josh leaned in towards Dan slightly, raising his voice to be heard over the music and noise of conversation. “So, you a friend of Liv’s?”

“Yea, we were friends at school,” Dan replied. “You?”

“We work at the studio with her. Matt and I work in research with Liv, Phil and Chris work in post-production with Sarah and Claire. They’re around here somewhere.”

“Oh. Cool. That sounds really interesting.” Dan looked up at Phil as he turned towards the group and handed him a bottle of Desperados. Dan tipped the bottle to his mouth and winced slightly at the taste of lager. He didn’t really enjoy lager, it reminded him of his younger days, desperately trying to seem cool, whilst drinking whatever cheap drink he could get his hands on.

Phil finished handing out the drinks he’d bought and turned to face the small circle. “Where are all the others, anyway?”

They looked around and eventually Chris spotted them with a “There!” as he pointed to the large double doors leading outside. They made a bee-line for the large group of people they had arrived with.

“Hey there you are!” A short girl with pixie cut, dark hair and a cigarette between her fingers shouted and moved towards them. She jostled Dan as she grabbed Phil’s wrist and pulled him towards the group.

“Yep. Here I am.” Phil laughed a little nervously as he let himself get pulled away. Dan refused to put a name to the jealousy that was threatening because someone else had Phil’s attention. He just wasn’t ready to unpack the mess of emotion and feelings attached to that.

The night continued and ended in that outside area of the club. Dan found himself a beat up wooden chair, and enjoyed the conversation, a mix of the usual polite adult discussion, and the more bizarre, risqué teasing which was typical of close friends who knew a lot about each other.

Phil had stood himself behind Dan for most of the remainder of the night, his hands occasionally squeezing gently on his shoulder and his fingers sometimes grazing the back of his neck. Dan held his breath every time he felt Phil’s skin on his and if he leaned into the touch slightly, well, there was no one who could prove it.

As he hugged Phil goodbye outside the door of Liv’s flat, Dan felt almost bereft. As if the haze of the evening was clearing, and the magic was starting to fade to leave the sobering clarity of thought that this wasn’t his life. The press of his own lips against Phil’s neck felt like deceit, and the sharp bite of Phil’s teeth on the juncture of his neck and shoulder felt like betrayal. Dan was barely aware of sharing a brief, yet awkward, hug come manly-pat-on-the-back, with the others, as he was caught, suspended in Phil’s blue gaze. Watching him walk up the stairs felt dreamlike, and Dan was certain he could still feel Phil’s warmth seeping through his very pores.

*~*~*

Dan stretched as he woke, opening his eyes and almost immediately shutting them again with a groan. He cursed aloud at his second morning woken by the unforgiving sun and placed the palms of his hands flat against his eyes in an attempt to abate the furious pounding in his head.

“Good morning to you too.”

Dan scrunched his eyes closed tighter, and curled his body into the foetal position, his back towards the general direction Liv’s voice had travelled from.

“You look exactly how I feel.” Liv said, a noticeable strain in her voice.

“Why did you let me drink so fucking much?” Dan spoke into his hands, groaning again, just because he could and it seemed to release some of the pressure building in his head.

“You were supposed to be looking after me. I am the birthday girl.” She replied, indignantly.

Dan turned, stretching his feet over the arm of the sofa, “I can barely look after myself, I can’t be held responsible for the welfare of others. Do you even know me?”

“It is a wonder you made it to the ripe old age of twenty six,” Oliva was grinning from her perch on the other sofa in room, a fleece blanket thrown loosely over her shoulders.

“I literally feel like death.”

“Yea, you look like him too.” Liv countered, chuckling.

“Thank you.”

“That wasn’t a compliment.”

“Oh. Are you sure?” Dan laughed as he ducked away from the red cushion which came sailing through the air directly at his head. “What time is it anyway?”

Olivia pressed a button on the phone by her feet, squinting to see the display as it lit up. “Eightish”

Dan groaned again. “Why’re you up so early?”

Liv grinned and stood from the sofa. “I just couldn’t take another moment without your sunny personality. Your consistent bonhomie is what really gets me through my days.” She threw a grin over her shoulder as she headed towards the kitchen. “Coffee?”

Dan shouted an affirmative in her general direction and headed for the toilet. In the cold hard light of the bathroom, he surveyed the damage. His head was heavy and throbbing, but it was certainly not his worst hangover. He felt clammy and sweaty still, his clothes looked rumpled and worn, and he was certain he smelt pretty ripe, probably a little musty and a little sweaty. He patted his pockets and was relieved to find his wallet and phone still in each. He pulled out his phone and checked the notifications. None.

Dan cupped his hands under the cold water tap and splashed his face, feeling instantly fresher and more awake. Patting his face dry, he was running his hands through his hair, attempting to tame his mop of curls, when he noticed faint marks on his neck. They were not obvious, and he was prone to redness anyway, but as he run his fingers over them, he could feel the ghost of Phil’s lips travelling up his neck and his fingers skating across his chest.

The full events of the night before flashed in Dan’s mind, flickering images like a sordid, X-rated slideshow. Dan had been flirting with Phil, this beautiful stranger who, admittedly, had been flirting back enough that they ended up in public toilets with their hands on each other’s cocks. The memory of last night, even now caused warmth to travel over his chest and neck, followed almost immediately by a cold sobering wash of guilt.

He squeezed his eyes shut and forced the heels of his hands into them until he was seeing bright lilac and green spots and his head was starting to pound again. Should he call Anna and confess everything to her now? Should he wait and tell her when he arrived home? What if she left him, how would he cope without her? His breaths were starting to come quicker and Dan was struggling to take in enough oxygen.

He dropped to the floor of the bathroom and pressed his forehead against the cold, white tiles of the wall. A few minutes of deep breathing later and Dan felt like he could stand without passing out. He couldn’t tell Anna over the phone, it wouldn’t be fair. He would have to tell her when he arrived home. The guilt was a pulsing black ball of smoke in his chest, threatening to escape with every exhale. He had to tell her, and he would have to face the consequences.

Exiting the bathroom, there was a glass of water, two white pills and a cup of coffee on the side table by his makeshift bed for the night. He headed towards them and downed the tablets, finishing the glass of water in three huge gulps.

“Oh, you’re out. We’re heading out in half hour for breakfast.” Liv’s voice came from her bedroom, a few steps away.

Dan looked up from the coffee he was cradling in his hands, “I don’t know Liv. I feel all gross and I really want clean clothes and a shower.”

“I’ve got clothes you can borrow.” She shouted in reply through the closed door.

“I just don’t know if London is ready for Dan in a crop top and heels.” Dan mumbled in return.

She laughed loudly, the sounds carrying clearly through the room and echoing off the high ceilings. The room was still a mess. Empty glasses and bottles were on every surface, and Dan didn’t envy Liv having to clean it all up. “As alluring as that image is, Howell, you’re probably right. I’ll call Chris.”

Dan cocked an eyebrow. “Chris?”

“Chris. Upstairs Chris. From last night. He might have some clothes you can borrow.”

Dan grimaced slightly at the thought of wearing the clothes of someone he didn’t know. What if they weren’t clean clothes, how would he tell? He could be wearing someone’s week old t-shirt, with their sweat seeping into his pores. Dan shuddered. “I don’t know, Liv. It feels a bit weird. I don’t even know the guy.”

Dan could hear her talking quietly and sighed to himself. What a fitting addition to his already truly bizarre weekend.

A few moments later, Liv shouted, “He’s gonna see what he can do.”

Dan sipped his coffee to try and calm his racing thoughts. He grabbed his phone from his pocket and browsed Twitter while he waited for whatever sweaty, second hand clothing he was going to be forced into wearing.

When the doorbell rang an indeterminate time later, Dan heaved himself from the sofa to open it at Liv’s yelled, “It’s for you!”

Swinging open the door, Dan was greeted by a clean, unruffled Phil smiling far too brightly for the ungodly time of the morning that it was.

“Hi Dan. Chris sent me down. Said you needed some clothes?” The end of his sentence raised slightly into a question and he was shifting the bag he had on his shoulder as she shuffled from foot to foot.

“Oh, Phil. Right. Er… yea, Liv won’t let me get out of breakfast, and I was using not having any clothes as an excuse, and then she said I could borrow some of hers, which was awkward, then she said she’d call Chris which I said no to, because you know… wearing a strangers clothes, and now he’s told you and now you’re here… which is even more… awkward…” Dan trailed off as he realised he’d been speaking really fast and he wasn’t even sure if any of it had made any sense.

Phil’s smile morphed into a grin, “Definitely more awkward. Let me in, I’ve got enough clean clothes to last a couple of days.” Phil brushed Dan as he walked by and Dan held his breath, closing the front door.

Reaching the living room, Phil had already started taking clothes out of the black rucksack he’d shrugged off his shoulder and placed on the sofa. Dan sat opposite and watched him curiously.

“Do you live with Chris?” Dan asked quietly. He was desperately curious but didn’t want to seem nosey… or even too interested.

“No, I live over in Greenwich. Chris offered a bed for the night, save me having to go back on my own. All the others live here. Which is better for work… I really should move…” Phil was talking idly as he rifled through his rucksack. Taking out item after item of tightly folded clothing Dan was truly surprised he’d managed to fit it all in the bag.

“Why do you have so many clothes for one night?” Dan asked, taking the black jeans Phil handed to him.

Phil started laying the items out on the sofa beside him. “In case of an accident,” he said nonchalantly, without missing a beat.

Dan snorted, looking up from where his fingers had been rubbing across the dark fabric of Phil’s jeans. “An accident? What kind of accident?”

“I don’t know. It’s something my mum always used to say.” Phil mocked a feminine northern accent before continuing, “’Take a spare pair of clothes in case of an accident’ or it was ‘Make sure you’ve got clean pants on in case you get hit by a bus.’ Something like that, I’m sure.”

The laughter burst from Dan, unbidden. “In case you get hit by a bus?” Dan nearly screeched and he was rocking back into the sofa, trying to contain his laughter. The sentiment had taken him by surprise, but the accent Phil put on had completely floored him.

Phil chuckled quietly along with Dan. “Yea… she said it so often I never questioned the certainty of it happening if I didn’t have clean pants on. I assumed anyone who was in an accident of some kind hadn’t put on clean clothes… and I always wondered why anyone would wear dirty pants when they could just as easily put on a clean pair and avoid getting hurt!”

At that, Dan yelped slightly as the absurdity of Phil’s statement sunk in. Phil was grinning with his tongue between his teeth as he threw something to Dan. He caught it, just, and then looked back up at Phil incredulously. “You actually have brand new pants?”

“Well… yea… in case of..”

“An accident, yea. You’re literally the weirdest person I have ever met.” Dan opened the packet and took a pair of clean black Calvin’s, placing them on top of the black jeans. “This is so weird,” he said shaking his head again.

“So Dan, t-shirt choices.” Phil held up a t-shirt in each hand; in his left was a bright blue one with a pattern Dan couldn’t quite discern, although it looked a little like a game he used to play as a child, all pixelated and bright primary colours. In Phil’s right hand was a black top with red splotches, almost like a ladybird, or, he supposed, like if My Chemical Romance had styled a cross between a cheetah and a giraffe.

Dan wrinkled his nose. “There’s so much colour.”

Phil looked surprised. “Colour?”

“Yea. You don’t know this yet, but I have this dark, edgy, monochrome aesthetic going on. It’s very on brand.” Dan pouted as he spoke, fully aware of how ridiculous he sounded, and also aware that he was making excuses, yet again.

Phil seemed to delight in this news. “Well, Sir Edgelord, I have just the thing for you.” He placed the two tops down and reached for the hem of the plain, white, long-sleeved t-shirt over his torso and pulled it up over his head in one swift movement. “Clean on about an hour ago, I promise.” He said as he turned it right side in and handed it over to Dan.

Dan froze. Faced with Phil’s bare chest, all the images of the previous night came crashing back to him with the force of a freight train. He was almost bowled over by the suddenness with which they knocked the breath from him. Phil’s chest was a pale expanse of creamy skin, with dark hair across his chest and a trail leading from his belly-button to the waist-band of the jeans resting low on his hips.

Dan was acutely aware of the fact that he was staring, and Phil was looking at him, an eyebrow cocked and a small, knowing smirk lifting the corner of his lips. “Dan?”

Dan’s cheeks warmed and his heart beat faster, almost humming. His fingertips tingled and his hands twitched as he reached up to take the shirt from Phil’s outstretched hand. His fingers brushed Phil’s and as they did, Dan closed his eyes and held his breath. A moment seemed to hang in the air between them; charged and electric.

“Well hel-lo,” came Liv’s voice as she emerged from her bedroom. She wolf-whistled, smoothing her hands down her black and white striped top, tucking it loosely in to the top of her jeans. “You didn’t literally need to give Dan the shirt off your back, Phil.”

Phil laughed and let his hand drop, reaching to pick up the red and black top he’d recently dropped. The lack of skin on skin contact seemed to remind Dan that he needed to breathe. He grabbed his borrowed clothes quickly and rushed to the bathroom, not saying a word and barely hearing the shouted instructions on which toiletries he should use.

*~*~*

Their destination was a small café a few blocks from Liv’s flat. It was clean, modern and even had a small patio out the back. Liv’s breakfast party was significantly smaller than her drinking party and Dan soon discovered that, aside from two friends who were from her university days, they all worked together at the Channel 4 Studios.

The party of ten crowded out to the patio and sat across two tables. Dan was sat beside Claire and Olivia. Claire had been the one who had been so excited to see Phil last night, grabbing his hand and pulling him to stand beside her at the club. She had an elfin look about her, short hair, bright green eyes and a pointed chin. Dan felt too tall and too cumbersome sat next to her. He was all arms and elbows, and was conscious of how much space he took up as he opened his menu and sunk down behind it, pretending to read the breakfast options.

He was also desperately aware of the fact that he was wearing Phil’s clothes. Despite using Liv’s toiletries and one of the many spare toothbrushes she had hidden away in a drawer, all Dan was conscious of was the scent of Phil seeping into his pores, filling his senses, and the soft feel of the t-shirt which felt like a caress against his skin.

Phil was sat opposite him, with Josh and Chris either side. Josh kept glancing at Dan, causing him to shift uncomfortably, and feeling self-conscious. He felt the red splotch on his jaw warming and knew that his cheeks would soon follow, lighting him up like a beacon.

A waiter took their breakfast orders and conversation flowed easily between them. Dan pulled his sunglasses over his eyes from where they rested on top of his head. It was a bright morning, but thankfully not nearly as warm as the previous day had been. There was a cool breeze and the large, white clouds in the sky allowed a welcome break from the morning sun.

Dan listened to the conversation flow around him. It seemed Lottie, sat on the other table, had hooked up with someone the night before, and was simultaneously laughing along with the friendly teasing, and hiding her head in her hands begging at the other’s to stop.

Eventually the conversation turned to him. “So Dan, what do you do?” Claire turned and asked.

“Oh, I work for a mental health charity. I look after all of their social media and like, the blog section of their website and stuff.” Dan offered.

Liv placed her hand over his wrist, “Dan was always on the computer when we were younger. Myspace, Dailybooth, MSN… you name it he was on it. It makes sense that you’d get a job where you can basically spend all day on Twitter.”

Dan smiled, “Yea. Although it was fun back then, there were no corporate policies, and no meeting to decide whether we should reply to each message by being funny or serious. Honestly, it’s not as fun as it sounds. Quite the opposite really.”

“So do you do all of the accounts then? Decide what goes on them and everything?” Lottie asked from the corner.

“Yea, pretty much. If anyone in the company wants to post something they send it to me and I upload it. If they have an event or something I’ll go along and take pictures for Instagram and maybe a video for YouTube.”

A waiter interrupted them with their breakfasts and the table went quiet as everyone tucked in. The food was great and exactly what Dan needed after the alcohol and lack of sleep of the previous night. A full English breakfast, a glass of cold squeezed orange juice, the sun on the back of his neck and Phil’s foot gently rubbing against his ankle. Wait… What?

Dan looked up at Phil who was eating his breakfast and talking to Josh. He stared at the side of Phil’s head, remembering the feel of those shaved sides under his fingers and the taste of that neck on the tip of his tongue. The foot against his ankle continued to slowly move up and down, not much, but enough that it was obviously intentional. Even though the layers of jeans and socks the move felt oddly intimate.

“Dan?” Dan jumped as he heard his name. Josh had obviously noticed the intense stare he was giving Phil. Phil, he now noticed, had also turned toward him and there was a slight hint of a smile on his lips and reflecting in his eyes.

“Er…” Dan was saved from answering by his phone vibrating loudly against the table beside his plate. The word `**Wifey**` appeared and the screen filled with a picture of he and Anna at the beach, Anna’s arms around his neck and pressing a kiss to his cheek. It wasn’t one he had taken himself, but one Anna had sent from her own phone and assigned to her own contact, along with changing her contact name one evening when they were being silly and in love.

Dan grabbed the phone and answered, glancing up at Phil as he pushed his chair out and tried to stand with little grace. Phil was frowning, his eyebrows knitted together and his fork hanging suspended in the air.

He could hear conversation starting up again around him as he walked to the other side of the patio.

“Hey honey, how’s everything going?” Anna’s voice was bright and cheery, and caused a stab of guilt to Dan’s gut.

“Yea, all good. We’re just part way through breakfast. I don’t think I’ll be too much longer.” Dan kept his eyes downcast, worrying at a thread on the hem of his shirt. He had almost picked it free when he suddenly remembered that the shirt did not belong to him.

He rubbed his hand over his face listening to Anna talk. She had wanted to nip out to the shops and wanted to check that he wasn’t due home and wouldn’t be stuck outside waiting for her to return.

“No, you go to the shops, I’ll be a little while yet.” Dan replied. He mumbled a quiet “Love you too” in response to her own declaration and hung up the call. He felt numb.

Returning to his seat at the table, he attempted to inconspicuously finish eating his breakfast. Anna turned to him, “How is Anna?”

Dan had intended to look up to his side and reply to Olivia, but his eyes were drawn to Phil’s. Those confused blue ocean irises. “Yea, she’s ok.” Dan replied, his eyes searching Phil’s, trying to predict his reaction, to discern whether his expression was more hurt, or angry, or confused.

Eventually Phil looked away from Dan and resumed eating his breakfast, turning to continue his conversation with Josh. Dan hadn’t known him long enough yet to distinguish which emotion the slump of his shoulders was conveying. He sighed and continued picking at the remains of his own breakfast, suddenly feeling much less hungry than he had been moments before.

Dan was full of regret, it left a bitter taste in his mouth and a wretched feeling in his chest. He moved the food around his plate, not able to bring himself to eat any more, sure that whatever he tried to swallow would get caught by the lump of shame in his throat and choke him as punishment for his behaviour.

Fifteen minutes later, Dan couldn’t bear it any more. He placed his fork down beside his knife and picked up his phone, placing it in his pocket, whilst pulling his wallet from the other. He stood and took a twenty pound note from it, placing it beside Liv’s plate.

“I’m gonna make a move. I need to get the train back and Anna…” Dan started speaking awkwardly. He had been having a silent argument with himself since the phone call ended and Phil had looked away from him, not once glancing back since. He could feel he was red and flushed all over, and had been desperately thinking of the easiest way out of the whole situation.

He had decided that it would be better to leave early. That way he would be able to cut and run, say goodbye to Liv and then give a friendly wave over his shoulder at the others and he would be free. Which is exactly what he resolved to do. Liv stood and raised her arms tight around his neck. “Thank you so much for coming, it was so great to see you again. We really need to meet up more often. I miss your face.”

Dan hugged her back. “Definitely, it’s a plan, Batman.”

He turned to the table and announced his goodbye to them all with an uncomfortable wave of his hand. They all returned the sentiment, politely, in unison. He glanced at Phil who was staring at his empty plate. Dan wondered whether he should mention the clothes. He could send them back via Liv, but should he thank him again? Was he being rude? Would Phil tell the others about last night as soon as he was out the door as payback? Would Liv tell Anna before he could get home and tell her himself? Eventually, like the coward that he felt, Dan turned and left the café without another word.

*~*~*

The walk to the nearest station was fairly short, but with the smell of Phil all around him, and the vivid image of last night behind his eyelids every time he blinked, Dan was struggling to remember where he was supposed to be going. He had to keep telling himself that he loved Anna. It wasn’t that he doubted it, but last night had been so hot, so quick, and so instinctual. His body had felt alive with lust, vibrating with the need to feel Phil’s skin beneath his lips. He could feel the niggling in his brain, hear the voices telling him that it had never felt that way with Anna. In all the time they had been together it had never felt so good, never felt as right as it had with Phil. Dan was finding it harder and harder to remember if it was true or not.

The white noise in his head reached a crescendo and Dan stopped in street, hand on the railing and the sound of the street around him nothing but a faint hum of noise. He closed his eyes and breathed deep, trying to clear his mind. What felt like hours, but was probably barely minutes later, Dan felt himself beginning to calm. He opened his eyes and tipped his head back, tipping his sunglasses into his hand.

The sky was a beautiful azure blue, broken up by big white fluffy clouds. It was a calming, serene blue. A blue which reminded him of childhood picnics. Of family holidays on the beach, and so many other happy times. Of flying kites during the summer holidays. Of laying on the grass with friends during lunchtimes at school. Of Phil’s eyes as he came, gasping against Dan’s mouth. Of lazy days at…

Fuck.

Dan grabbed his phone from his pocket and opened the messaging app. He felt adrift in a sea of blue the exact shade of Phil’s eyes and he had to say something, even though it would be the wrong thing.

`**Dan:** I’m sorry. `

Dan typed and sent the message quickly, clicking away to remove Phil’s name from the screen, not allowing himself time to second guess his actions. With the prickle of tears threatening to fall from his eyes, Dan placed his phone back in the pocket of Phil’s jeans and continued his walk to the station.


	4. Not Asking For A Miracle

The rain pattered gently against the window, distorting the view of the dim, yet cloudy sky outside. The sound of birds chirping in the trees filtered through the open window. Dan lay stretched on their bed, the calm breeze from the window ghosting over his naked torso.

The heatwave of the past week had broken and the sky was a thick blanket of light grey clouds, a warm breeze and the light mist of rain. The bedsheet was tangled in his legs and he felt claustrophobic and trapped under the heavy weight of the muggy air and his guilt and memories of the previous day.

He’d journeyed home determined to come clean and accept the consequences of his actions. He’d spent the ride on the train convincing himself of the absurdity of the whole evening. Assuring himself that of course he got swept up in the moment; he was drunk, Phil was drunk, Phil was hot, it was a heady mixture and almost inevitable. Absolutely he loved Anna, and he didn’t want some silly one night stand to ruin what he’d spent the last five years building.

He had a beautiful house, a wonderful girlfriend, a secure job… he wanted to protect everything that Anna and he had worked towards. They’d spent so much time entangling their lives, wrapping their very beings around one another that it seemed almost incomprehensible to him that a few words or actions could essentially shatter their bond. That they could create a chasm between them so vast and deep he would be lost to the darkness of it.

Anna deserved better; she was his rock, his beacon in times of need. Dan knew that telling her would break her heart. He’d never explicitly told her stories of his teenage years experimenting with his sexuality, identity and embracing the freeing expression of androgyny. Everyone had been doing it, and Dan had felt safe and right pushing those boundaries with his friends. Meeting Anna and settling into his job had started a shift in his being which was still being played out today.

The bright colours of his nails were traded for black polish, quickly replaced by no colour at all. His wardrobe no longer held any feminine clothing, there were no more straighteners or makeup on his side of the bathroom sink, and his workplace conversation was a disheartening mix of heteronormative banter and institutionalised homophobia.

Dan grieved the person his teenage-self aspired to be and which he knew he hadn’t achieved. He knew it wasn’t Anna’s fault, he had allowed himself to be moulded to fit in a box society had created. It was a trade-off; in exchange for love all he had to do was live his life as a muted version of himself. It was easy, it was good... he was happy. He wouldn’t be here if he wasn’t. Would he?

By the time he’d walked up the drive late Sunday afternoon, he’d talked himself out of saying anything. The guilt was a physical lump in his throat which caught as he opened the door and walked into the kitchen. Anna had breezed into the room placing a quick kiss to his lips before flicking the switch on the kettle and asking him about his evening.

Frozen on the spot, Dan hadn’t returned the kiss. He’d felt sure that she would be able to taste the stranger on his lips and feel the impression of Phil’s fingers against his jaw. The feeling of panic manifested itself as pins and needles in hands and a tightness across his chest. He took a deep breath, followed by another, his confession on the tip of his tongue and his thoughts a cacophony of noise in his head. And he said nothing.

In the cold light of the morning Dan found it alarming how easily the lies had fallen from his mouth. In reality he knew they weren’t lies, but the omission of Phil in his retelling of the evening’s events had felt enough like a lie that he’d flushed red. The more he talked, the easier it became, and before he knew it, he was pulling the thin sheet over his shoulders and turning his back to Anna as he stared into the darkness of their shared bedroom, waiting for sleep to envelop him.

Silencing the obnoxious beeping of his alarm, Dan sighed and forced himself to get out of bed and headed towards the shower.

*~*~*

The drive to work had been beset by the usual rush hour traffic and school-run mums. Dan had rushed out of the house, shouting a goodbye up the stairs without waiting for an answer and was now sat at his desk in the open plan office, full of more regret and unsure whether he would ever feel free of fault again.

Today, Dan was grateful for his job which left him open to a lot of exploitation from his colleagues. His colleagues, and the company as a whole, didn’t appreciate the scale of work required to gain a presence online, and he knew it would be easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of his daily work life.

As he often wished he could tell them, it wasn’t just about posting random pictures or comments… there were nuances and trends and branding and audiences to consider, and all of this across the large number of different social media platforms. There was consideration to be taken with regards to how to handle complaints, on how to engage humour, and Dan had spent his teen and adult life developing those skills to the tune of a very successful social media presence for the charity. Although he often questioned whether it was even noticed by his colleagues.

The office was a large room with desks grouped in fours facing each other. The company had decided that the small islands of desks would foster good working relationships and encourage productivity, mostly it just made Dan feel oppressed and weary.

He tapped out the website address for Facebook and logged in to his personal account. He noticed a few notifications on his own account, but ignored them in favour of clicking to the charity’s page and answering the queries, forwarding the ones he couldn’t answer immediately to colleagues, before clicking back to his own account to clear the notifications.

Olivia and her friends had been posting pictures and statuses throughout the weekend. Dan had first become aware of the activity on his Facebook whilst on the train on Sunday, however, he couldn’t bring himself to read through them.

Dan read Olivia’s statuses, liking the occasional innocuous ones, and sending a quick _‘great to see you too’_ in reply to a status thanking everyone for going. As he scrolled, Dan noticed some pictures that had been taken on the night out. They were dark and grainy, and most seemed to be selfies of Olivia and her female friends. Flicking through one by one, Dan dutifully liked and read the comments.

The sixth was a video at the nightclub. He checked his volume was on mute, and glanced around behind him before he pressed play. He didn’t think he would get in trouble for watching a video as he could say it was related to work, but he wasn’t overly keen on testing the idea. The shaky footage was centred on Sarah and Claire, their mouths moving in sync to a song which Dan couldn’t make out. Their arms were in the air and they bounced along to a beat. Slowly the camera started panning to the right, the camera shifting focus on the people in the background, before Lottie appeared, waving vigorously and throwing a toothy grin at the camera.

Dan’s eyes scanned the screen, taking in Lottie’s plaited brunette hair and the sheen of sweat on her forehead. He knew what he was searching for, he remembered the surroundings in the video from when he was there, eventually he found it and his stomach dropped. In the background, right in the top left corner, he could distinctly make out his own face. It was dark, and he was side on, the camera distorted and jumped around, but it was very obviously him.

He watched as recording Phil handed recording Dan his phone who tapped around on it before handing it back. The more he watched, the greater the dread which coiled in the pit of his stomach grew. He knew what was going to happen next, but some part of his brain was desperately hoping that the camera may have picked up an alternate universe where Dan and Phil continued talking into the night and eventually went their separate ways, not knowing the taste of each other.

Recording Phil took a step towards Dan and when his fingers lightly brushed across his forearm, Dan shivered as he felt the echo of that touch on his own skin as the hairs on his arm raised. Tears prickled the corner of his eyes and he held his breath as he watched the two figures on the screen draw closer and closer together. The edges of Dan vision swam a murky blue and he watched in resigned horror at the image of himself closing the gap and pressing his lips against Phil’s.

Well, shit.

Barely seconds later the camera panned quickly and the screen filled with Liv’s face, the flares from the strobe lights behind her causing the screen to flash white. He had moved close to the screen whilst watching the small, darkened image of himself and Phil, but jumped back, closing his eyes against the sudden brightness once the image had moved.

“Who’s that?”

The low voice from behind Dan made him jump. He clicked out of the video at the sound and turned in his chair to face the speaker. Mark normally sat opposite him on their desk island, and was a constant distraction. He was in his late thirties, with a wife, three children and another on the way. The deep frown lines painting his forehead and the dark circles under his eyes contrasted with the smile and friendly demeanour with which he approached every person and task he was presented with.

Dan liked Mark, he accepted Dan’s introvert nature, and seemed to understand that when he was giving blunt, one-word answers it was usually because he’d reached his capacity for dealing with other people, and wasn’t because he was a moody arsehole. Because he couldn’t articulate how much he appreciated the fact that Mark just let him be him, Dan would often allow him more leniencies than others.

“My friend Liv. I went out on Saturday for her birthday. In London.”

“Oh, that’s nice. Enjoy yourself?” Mark’s eyes flitted across the checkerboard of thumbnail images still displayed on Dan’s screen.

“Oh, yea. It was fun. You know how I hate noise and people, so the clubbing bit was literally my nightmare.” Dan lifted his lips in a pained smile.

“I bet Anna never heard the end of it.” Mark wasn’t meeting Dan’s eye. He seemed to be intently looking at the images on the screen. Dan’s stomach dropped. What if he had been watching behind Dan’s back, what if he had seen what Dan has been so desperately focused on? What if he was now looking for tiny Dan in the background of one of the pictures, betraying Anna?

Dan’s fingers twitched on the mouse as he turned back to face the screen. Would it be too obvious he had something to hide if he closed the window now? He couldn’t risk scrolling down, he didn’t know what other reckless behaviour had been caught on film.

“No, Anna was at home. Liv’s an old friend from when I was a kid. And Anna’s Nan was poorly so-” As he spoke, Dan realised it sounded like he was making excuses, so he shut his mouth abruptly.

“Ah, a night of freedom then. Hope you were a good boy.” Mark finally looked down at Dan from where he was stood, a small smile playing on his lips.

Dan blustered, “Err… yea… well, you know…” He rubbed his hand on his arm nervously, “It was alright. I gotta nip out for a couple of minutes.”

He winced as he realised his answer hadn’t made sense, and stood up, locking his computer and taking his mobile from the desk. He sped through the corridors, not bothering to look see whether Mark seemed confused by his answer or actions, and turned to the bathroom, bursting into the cubicle, sitting on the closed lid with his head in his hands.

“Shit, shit, shit.” He banged his hand against the side of his head as he forced the words out through gritted teeth. The black presence of guilt was beating against his chest again, wrapping long fingered claws around his throat and causing his breaths to stutter.

Hi phone buzzed in his hand. Dan looked at the notification through the tears collecting in the corner of his eyes. A small red box surrounded the number one next to the new friend requests. He tapped it, dread pooling in his stomach.

There he was. Dark hair pushed back and a wide eyed expression on his face. His lips were pursed around a straw and the warm, bright colours enveloped the darkness in Dan’s chest in a warm hug. Phil.

He didn’t know what to do. He was meant to be coming clean, putting the whole weekend behind him, being the person that Anna deserved. Could he be that person if he accepted Phil’s request on Facebook? Probably not, Dan decided with a sigh. He closed his eyes and hovered his finger over the decline button. Why wasn’t he pressing it? Why did he suddenly feel so empty? He didn’t know Phil. Not really.

_But you know this feeling, don’t you?_

The question came unbidden to the front of his mind, and Dan could not ignore it. He nodded his head, as the tears threatened to escape. Beneath the guilt was something else. Dan had been trying to ignore it, sure the feeling was the shame of his actions. It felt new and he hadn’t ever felt shame like this before, so it had made sense to convince himself that that was what it was.

Now, in the harsh fluorescent light of the bathroom, Dan studied that feeling again. Really studied it. He pushed the guilt and images of Anna aside, and searched deep within himself, allowing the feeling to wash over him. It was warmth and light in the deepest recesses of his soul. It was excitement and intrigue humming in his heart. It was breathlessness, and dizziness, and anticipation, and joy at something new, moulded into the image of Phil’s face behind his eyelids. Every. Time. He. Closed. His. Eyes.

He loved Anna. He was comfortable and content with his life. He plodded through each day the same as the one before. An endless cycle of work then home, rinse then repeat.

_Are you living though?_

_No,_ Dan thought, _I’m not._ With a determination and drive he hadn’t felt in years, Dan forcibly stabbed his finger onto the screen.

` Accept.`


	5. Take The Breath Right Out Of Me

Back at his desk Dan unlocked his computer, opened his emails and tried to focus on his work, desperate to lose himself to spreadsheets and analytics and not think about Anna, Phil and the sudden recklessness of his actions.

`**Phil:** Hi Dan.`

Phil’s face popped onto Dan’s phone screen, accompanied by a buzz. He could see the message and his heart started racing. Shit. A part of him freaked out at the thought that Phil may have been waiting for him to accept the request. He typed out a response.

`**Dan:** Hi. `

The small dots appeared on the bottom of his phone screen, and then disappeared. They repeated this pattern once more, and Dan sympathised with Phil’s indecision. When the dots disappeared and no message appeared, Dan couldn’t take the anxious silence any longer.

`**Dan:** Phil i’m sorry i should have said something`

`**Phil:** Probably. Why, Dan? `

Dan sucked in a breath. He had been dreading the question and the inevitability of its asking. He couldn’t imagine any combination of words which would excuse his actions or which could restore his character in Phil’s mind.

`**Dan:** I don’t think theres anything i could say which could excuse what happened or even make sense of what i did`

`**Phil:** Please. Would you try? `

Dan drew his bottom lip between his teeth, chewing on the skin there until it felt raw. Where would he even start? Should he try? People had one night stands all the time, did he owe Phil an explanation? Dan couldn’t imagine a text box big enough to contain everything he felt he needed to say. He scrunched his eyes closed and let out a long breath desperately trying to ignore the intrusive sounds of his colleagues going about their daily work.

The buzz of the office continued regardless and Dan started trying to put into words the chaos of the last few days. He was on the second write of the very first sentence when Phil started typing again.

`**Phil:** Actually no.  
**Phil:** I don’t think we should do this over messenger. I can’t read it.`

`**Dan:** why not? `

`**Phil:** What if you say something and I think you mean something else because it’s written down and I can’t see you or hear you? `

Dan’s eyebrows furrowed at Phil’s message.

`**Dan:** phil, please don’t take this the wrong way… but why do you care? i am sorry about what i did but…  
**Dan:** we dont really know each other`

A part of Dan felt like he probably owed Phil an apology in person, but his guilt was doing a pretty good job of convincing him otherwise. He absolutely owed Anna an explanation and he hadn’t given her that, so why does Phil think he gets Dan’s words? He didn’t really know Phil, but from the enthralling few hours he had spent listening to his stories and tasting the bitter tang of his skin, he knew that Phil must be a loyal friend, one who probably went out of his way to avoid hurting people. But Dan had hurt him.

He remembered Phil’s kind eyes, his infectious smile, and his gentle hands on his hips. He typed out a message, noticing that Phil hadn’t responded to his previous one.

`**Dan:** im sorry its not your fault. im just annoyed with myself. where do you want to meet up? `

There was a certain white, long-sleeved t-shirt hanging in his wardrobe which needed returning after all.

*~*~*

By the middle of the week, Dan was beginning to feel a little calmer. There was still the occasional flashes of guilt and every now and again he would find himself locked in the bathroom desperately trying to pull breath into his lungs, but, for the most part, Dan’s life went back to normal.

It had taken a relatively short time for him and Phil to agree to meet the coming Saturday at a Starbucks in London. The conversation they’d had throughout the day had felt a little forced, but mostly friendly and it warmed the corners of Dan’s heart. There were awkward silences and times when Dan just didn’t know what to say in return, but he appreciated Phil’s peculiar brand of humour and the ease with which Phil seemed to accept that they would not speak about the previous weekend.

His Wednesday at work had consisted of meetings and spreadsheets. Dan hadn’t been fully prepared for the amount of reporting and interrogating data he would be expected to do. He’d never admit it, but he’d applied for the job thinking he’d manage a couple of social media accounts and it’d be an excuse to spend even more of his time online. Phil’s occasional message throughout the day became a beacon of light in the dark tunnel of work.

By the time he’d pulled his car onto his driveway on Thursday evening, he had a headache and wanted nothing more than to sit himself down in front of his Xbox and zone out for a few hours. Dan got out of his car and walked into the house. Anna was placing plates and cutlery onto the table and the smell of stir fry hung in the air of the kitchen. He sat down at the table with a sigh.

“Long day, love?” Anna asked picking up her knife and fork and taking a bite.

“Yea, finance has discovered the budgets they sent out in April are wrong. I don’t even know where they got the figures from, but everyone’s freaking out and Stephen’s been demanding all these new figures to try and sort it.”

Anna looked sympathetic, “How can they get it wrong? Surely that’s their job?”

“It’s wrong every year. I should have known better and had the bloody figures ready anyway as they’ve done this every year. They normally discover by May, so it’s taken them loads longer this year, so I never bothered.”

“Will you be able to sort it?”

Dan contemplated for a moment, before answering. “I think so. It’s not difficult, just a lot of work.”

Anna made a noise of agreement as she continued eating. Dan felt a nervous energy just under his skin. He was building up to telling Anna that he was going to London again to meet with Phil, and he couldn’t seem to put it into words. The conversation was so normal… so… them… if it wasn’t for the guilt bubbling under his skin.

“I’ve got to nip to a friend’s on Saturday.” Dan finally said, fussing with his knife and fork as he did so.

Anna looked up from her meal. “Oh. Why’s that?”

“Phil wants his t-shirt back and he invited me over, so I couldn’t really say no.” Dan spoke quickly, the lie burning his tongue as he did so. He’d decided that the best option was to keep as close to the truth as possible. He couldn’t trust himself not to forget any story he fabricates.

“Aw, that’ll be nice.” Anna continued eating her food. “Phil’s the one with the black hair and the blue shirt?”

Dan’s eyes shot up to look at her, she was moving food around the plate with her fork. Her nails glittered in light and the bracelet hanging from her slim wrist tinkled quietly against the table. Shit. Had Anna seen the video? Had she noticed his betrayal in the background? How did she know who Phil was? Dan hadn’t noticed any pictures of him or Phil, and he’d been back and combed through Facebook many times since. Their image was small and dark, and Dan only recognised himself because he was there and had lived it, but Anna knew him better than anyone, he was certain she would be able to pick his tall frame out of a grainy crowd of people.

“Yea… That’s him?” It sounded like a question. It was a question. Really he meant _‘How do you know?’_

“Ah. Liv shared some pictures and I had a little nose. I recognised the name.” Anna met his eyes and her lips quirked up in a small smile. It wasn’t comforting, her eyes searching his, flitting across his face. Whatever she was looking for, she didn’t find, as she let out a breath and pierced a piece of broccoli onto her fork.

*~*~*

Unfortunately for Dan, Friday passed slowly, and he could feel the jitter of nerves building in his stomach the closer the end of the day became. He had been distracted and snappy all week. He’d saved the snapshot of the video recording to a hidden file on his phone without even knowing why he had done so. He’d zone out in front of his computer, his thumb hovering over the still of the image file, all at once desperate to feel the thrill of the memory of Phil’s skin against his is own, and terrified of anyone knowing what he had done.

By Saturday morning Dan was barely able to concentrate for longer than a few minutes. Anna hadn’t mentioned Dan going to visit Phil since their meal earlier in the week, and Dan was almost afraid that she had forgotten and he would have to tell her again.

It was almost as if an unspoken rule of their marriage required that they pretend there was no awkwardness to that evening, or that it even happened at all. That they silently congratulate each other on how they had managed to completely ignore the elephant in the room and go about their normal cohabitation.

Dan remained unsure whether Anna knew about his kiss with Phil, or whether she was picking up on his guilty behaviour, or maybe even his nervousness about the upcoming meeting with Phil. Whatever it had been, Dan had thrown himself into his performance and was reaping the silent benefits.

Standing on the busy, humid London street, the inside of the Starbucks barely visible through Dan’s own reflection frowning back at him, Dan debated turning on his heels and making his way back to the train station again. It was a conversation he’d had with himself countless times already. Every object that passed, he mentally followed up with a statement of, _“If I turn back now I could be home in…”_

He’d arrived with time to spare, but his indecision on the street meant he was now a few minutes late. Maybe Phil had changed his mind and decided it would be too awkward to meet up. Maybe if Dan went home now he’d understand and Dan could apologise and Phil would probably not speak to him again. Dan could go back to Anna and pretend nothing had ever happened with Phil in London and Phil’s kind nature would mean he would keep Dan’s secret out of the goodness in his heart. It could happen... right?

Dan pushed open the door and let the cool conditioned air wash over him. As he slowly approached the counter he glanced around the room, searching for the already familiar mop of black hair and pale skin. The café wasn’t large, but it was busy and noisy. The din of laughter and conversation was occasionally lost to the piercing sound of a barista frothing milk.

Dan saw him though. Sat on a low cushioned armchair, an ankle crossed over to rest upon the knee of his opposite leg. He had a bright red shirt on that seemed to warm his pale skin with a glow that made him appear younger than Dan remembered. He’d been obviously watching the door, waiting for Dan to enter, and when he saw that Dan had looked his way, his face lit up with a smile, and he raised his hand in a small wave. It was awkward and childlike and ungainly and so endearing Dan couldn’t help but return the gesture, feeling awed at the halo of light he seemed to exude.

Dan ordered and paid, carrying the heavy, white mug towards Phil.

“You’re here!” Phil said excitedly, the skin around his eyes crinkling as he smiled at Dan.

Dan smiled in return, sitting in the worn, brown armchair opposite Phil. “I’m here!” Dan replied in a teasing tone, meeting Phil’s eyes and throwing his empty arm out wide.

Phil shrugged. “I was worried you wouldn’t come. I thought it might be awkward. It probably is awkward. I’m sorr-”

Dan interrupted Phil’s bluster, “I said I would.”

He felt himself frown slightly before he could school his features and reached into the backpack he’d dropped at his feet in an attempt to hide it. “I had an appropriately monochromatic borrowed t-shirt to return.” He pulled out the folded, white t-shirt and leant across the table. “I know it doesn’t look like it, but I did actually iron it.”

Phil leant forward taking the t-shirt from Dan’s hands. The air between their fingers felt alive with electricity as Phil placed the garment on his lap. Dan’s eyes were drawn to Phil’s hands and the way Phil’s fingertips ran lightly over the material.

“How domestic!” Phil joked. “I bet you’re dangerous with a hoover.”

A full laugh burst from Dan. “There’s a joke about sucking in there somewhere.”

Phil attempted a wink. “That’s a suck-cessful observation.”

Dan shook his head. “Terrible!”

“Are you not going to suck-umb to my superior jokes?”

“Please, no.” Dan pleaded, still smiling.

“Don’t you not find them very suck-cinct?”

Dan laughed aloud as he placed his hands over his ears. “Stop! They’re so bad!”

Phil laughed with Dan, his tongue resting between his teeth his left hand still gripping his ankle as it rested on his knee. Dan noticed that Phil had odd socks on and suddenly he couldn’t seem to focus on anything else. The beautiful man sat opposite him with a friendly smile that lit up a room, a penchant for bad puns and what seemed like an instinctive desire to make others laugh, was sat opposite Dan with one red sock and one which appeared to have bananas patterned all over it and to Dan it was the perfect metaphor for the absurdity of Phil and the effect he was having on Dan. He was looking at him like he’d rather be nowhere else in the world than sat with Dan in the noisy, cramped Starbucks they currently found themselves in.

Dan took a sip of his drink, his fingers curling around the mug and lacing together. As he peeked over the rim of the beverage, he noticed Phil’s eyes trained on his hands. His gaze was unwavering and Dan felt himself heating up under the scrutiny. A kaleidoscope of memories and fantasies hit him with force and a shot of excitement spiked through him.

Phil’s gaze eventually left their study of Dan’s fingers, slowly roaming up his arms, across his chest and face, coming to rest on Dan’s own chocolate brown irises. A warm smile settled on Phil’s face and Dan could not help but return it in force. The bad jokes, the intense study of each other… it felt like flirting to Dan.

“I really am glad you came.” Phil said, sincerely.

Dan nodded sombrely at the sudden change in mood. Phil had gone from flirty, joyful laughter to quiet, earnest frankness in a matter of seconds. Dan felt a feeling of contentment wash over him like a wave.

“I… I said I would.” Dan repeated, overwhelmed by the intensity of Phil’s smile. The longer he looked, the quicker Dan was starting to feel crushed under the weight of Phil’s gaze. He averted his eyes, glancing down until he noticed a small reddened mark just above the collar of Phil’s shirt. Dan knew immediately that his lips against the pale column of Phil’s neck had caused that mark. His tongue had tasted the salty tang of sweat and his teeth had teased the blood to the surface, leaving this very mark as a reminder.

“Dan? Everything alright?” Phil had leaned forward in his seat, concern painting his features.

Dan shook his head, clearing the cobwebs of the previous weekend from his mind. “Just trying to work out how much clean up I’ll need to do when we leave here and you instantaneously combust in the sun.”

Delighted, assumed an air of mock distress, the back of his hand against his forehead. “It is a daily concern.”

Just like that, their conversation fell back into the easy, nerdy banter he remembered from their first night together, minus the haze of intoxication which tinted every word and every movement in rose-gold. Two more drinks later and the ease of conversation between Phil and himself was wrapped around him like a blanket. They had been sharing stories of their childhoods, their favourite games, and their horrendous previous emo personas.

They didn’t talk about Anna. Dan had, awkwardly and often very obviously, omitted her from every story he told and every memory he shared. Phil wore his heart on his sleeve, wasn’t afraid to laugh at himself, and got overly excited when telling stories. Dan felt his mood lightening the more time he spent in their little bubble in their little corner of London, and he was terrified that mentioning the girlfriend waiting at the house they shared would pierce the bubble and bring Phil to his senses.

“So, what else do you have planned for today?” Phil asked, placing his empty mug back onto the table.

“A god awful train ride home followed by an evening pretending the comments I post on Twitter and Tumblr constitute meaningful interaction with another human.”

Phil grinned. “Obviously yes. A meaningful relationship without the dangers of having to go outside.”

Dan really didn’t want to leave. Time spent with Phil was easy and full of laughter, and because of this, it seemed to be passing by at double speed. Dan started fidgeting with his rucksack, pulling it from under his legs in an attempt to delay the inevitable awkward goodbye as they’d both started making moves to leave.

Phil stood and Dan looked up at him from his seated position. “I have two controllers at home, you know… if you fancy delaying that all meaningful online interaction you have planned?” Phil averted his gaze down at his own fingers where they were playing with the handle of his own rucksack.

Dan beamed, eternally grateful for Phil’s ability to overcome his own potential embarrassment and go after what he wanted, although not always with eloquence. “I remember. Something about personifying inanimate objects and assigning an emotion to your underused second controller.”

“You remembered. Derek will be so pleased!” Phil laughed.

*~*~*

Dan hadn’t really spared a thought towards what Phil’s flat would look like, but as soon as he’d followed him through the open door, he realised it was exactly an extension of Phil’s personality. He’d been given the whirlwind tour of the main rooms he might need during his impromptu visit, and Dan had felt a fondness for Phil settle in his stomach. The modern, neutral interior was the perfect backdrop for the colour and life Phil had dotted all over his apartment. Bright, primary coloured dining chairs, plushies of various anime characters, and a montage of photos in front of which Dan was currently stood were just some of the things Dan was attempting to sear into his memory.

The mishmash of photos showed Phil with various celebrities; in most he could be seen towering over said celebrity. “You’ve met a lot of people,” Dan stated, more than a little curious.

“Yea, the studio has a lot of them coming through. I don’t often get to see them, working in the office, but if I find out someone I like is coming through I’ll try and hover around where I think they may be.” Phil’s voice came from behind Dan’s left shoulder.

“That must be really exciting, getting to meet people you look up to.”

“They’re almost never what I imagine.” Phil said, looking wistfully over the wall of images, his lips dangerously close to resting against Dan’s shoulder.

“Never meet your idols... or something.” Dan turned his head towards where Phil’s breath was creating a warm, moist patch against his t-shirt. As he did, Phil’s eyes glanced up to meet Dan’s and when they did, the air was punched from Dan’s lungs.

“No.” Phil let out the word in a breathy exhale.

The distant sound of sirens filled the flat and the room was drenched in warm yellow tones from the afternoon sun. The heat from Phil’s body was slowly warming his clothes and seeping into his skin. Dan turned on the spot, coming face to face with Phil, who didn’t move.

“I’m happy you came.” Phil spoke, his head tilted up slightly so he could meet Dan’s eyes.

“Hmm.” Dan run his tongue across his bottom lip, Phil’s eyes tracking its slow movement with an intense concentration. He could feel the blush rising on his cheeks under Phil’s scrutiny, and he couldn’t help but close his eyes against the intensity of it. When he opened them again, Phil was impossibly closer, his fingers millimetres from pressing against Dan’s lips.

“Phil…” Dan exhaled on the name, unsure whether it was a question or just the vocalisation of the desperate need he suddenly felt to reaffirm who it was standing before him. This was quick, sudden and heady. The desire he felt for Phil had a habit of creeping up and consuming him in seconds.

Chocolate eyes met piercing blue, and Phil’s eyes flicked down to Dan’s lips. For the longest of moments they stayed exactly as they were, each searching for something in the depths of the other’s gaze. Dan could pin point the moment Phil appeared to come to a decision, and gently, almost reverently, pressed his fingertips to Dan’s bottom lip, dragging it down slightly with the movement.

“Dan.”

The word, spoken like worship, was a pin in the bubble that was Dan’s restraint. He surged forward, pressing his body fully against Phil’s, closing the small space that remained between their lips. There was no alcohol now to fuel his actions, nor to hide behind, and Dan was at once both remorseful and grateful for this.

Dan brought his hands up to rest in Phil’s hair, his fingers gently pushing against the nape of his neck, pulling Phil closer and keeping him there. Dan let out a small whimper as he felt Phil’s tongue tentatively against the seal of his lips, the noise both an invitation and a plea for more. Phil seemed to understand, meeting Dan’s tongue with his own. The taste and smell of Phil engulfing his senses was an aphrodisiac Dan just wasn’t prepared for.

“Dan… what… what are we… doing?” Phil spoke the words between pressing kisses against Dan’s lips.

_What were they doing?_ Dan screwed his eyes closed. The truth was, he didn’t know. All he could think about was Phil’s breath against his neck, Phil’s length pressing against his thigh, Phil’s roaming hands lighting a fire within his veins. Phil. Phil. Phil.

Dan rolled his hips, pushing his own growing erection against Phil and letting out a groan as Phil sank his teeth into his neck at the same time. He scrambled to find purchase against Phil’s hips, his fingertips sneaking under the hem of his t-shirt.

“Dan.” Phil spoke again, the words wet against Dan’s neck.

Phil’s hands came between them, his palms warm and flattening against Dan’s chest and he pushed him against the wall. The movement was gentle but firm, and Dan moaned loudly at the unexpected dominance, tilting his head back to rest against the cool painted plaster. Phil pushed bodily up against Dan, trapping him and breathing deeply through his nose as he nuzzled against the juncture of Dan’s jaw and neck.

Dan’s hands continued their slow search under Phil’s t-shirt, exploring the soft, warm skin, the sharp jut of his hips, and the coarse hairs of Phil’s chest as Dan moved his hands up to help Phil take his shirt off. Presented with Phil’s bare chest Dan was compelled to taste him. He leant forward, tongue tentatively coming to rest against Phil’s nipple and licking a stripe against it. His head slumped back as he let out a loud groan.

Dan continued across Phil’s chest, alternating between gentle bites and soothing kisses, until he reached Phil’s other nipple, lavishing it with the same attention. Phil’s hands were on his waist now, the touch running up his sides, lifting Dan’s shirt as he did so and once removed, throwing it behind him into to the apartment.

Dan leant forward to return to Phil’s chest, small blemishes already starting to form under Dan’s ministrations. Phil stopped Dan from adding to the mottled canvas on his chest by linking their hands together and seeking Dan’s mouth with his own. Dan returned Phil’s exploring kiss, hot and eager.

“Can we… the sofa?” Dan whispered against Phil, pushing himself off the wall slightly and impossibly closer against the hard lines of Phil’s body.

Phil let out a breath, his fingers unlacing from Dan’s and moving to grip his behind, keeping them bodily against each other, chest to thighs. Dan didn’t think it was possible to get any closer, but Phil seemed determined to try.

“Yes.” He whimpered and turned, dragging Dan through the room to the lounge. He stopped in front of the sofa. Dan moved up behind Phil, wrapping his arms around his chest and bringing himself flush against his naked back. Dan was achingly hard now, the anticipation and forbidden nature of his actions were creating an intoxicating combination in his veins. He moved slowly, grinding himself against Phil’s behind, fingernails leaving behind marks on their journey towards his waistband.

Phil tipped his head back to rest it on Dan’s shoulder with a sigh as traveling digits slipped the button of his fly open and pulled down the zipper. Dan let his teeth sink into the muscle on Phil’s shoulder, tenderly soothing the area with his tongue immediately after. Phil let out another groan, his hips both stuttering forward into the promise of Dan’s hands and backwards into the firmness of his body pressed up against him.

“Fuck.” Dan gasped at the movement and bodily turned him around so he could kiss him again.

He pushed Phil down onto the sofa and Phil let out an “Oomph” as he went. Dan moved around and sank to his knees, his palms raised to rest on Phil’s knees, squeezing slightly.

“Shi- Dan.” Phil was wide-eyed and slouched against the back of the sofa, his chin against his chest as he breathed heavily. “Dan… What about-“

Dan looked away suddenly from where his hands had started massaging Phil’s thighs, and whispered a pained “No.” He shook his head. He didn’t want to think about anything else right now. “Not now.” He didn’t want to lose the buzz of electricity under his skin in this instant.

Phil quirked an eyebrow, but said nothing, the moment passing between them in silence. The sunlight through the window illuminated the white fluff and lint on Phil’s jeans and Dan’s eyes travelled up those long legs before him, coming to rest on the button and zipper he’d already opened. His jeans were undone yet closed and Dan so desperately wanted to see more. He moved his hands to the inside of Phil’s thighs and slowly, slower than he ever remembered moving before, he trailed his hands upwards, inching closer and closer towards Phil’s cock, straining against his jeans and boxers.

Eventually Phil’s legs parted and Dan let out a silent breath of relief. His palms continued up and he moved to fit himself between Phil’s thighs, reaching up and starting to pull Phil’s jeans down by the belt loops. Phil lifted his bum slightly and allowed him to remove both his jeans and his shoes.

He smiled as those long pale legs were revealed to him and those ludicrously endearing odd socks. Dan massaged Phil’s feet through those socks for a minute, pressing a kiss against the arch of each foot, the cotton material coarse against his lips.

“Phil. I want you so much. Can I?”

Phil let out a whimper and nodded, his eyes hooded. Dan placed Phil’s foot lightly back on the floor, and leant forward without warning, placing his mouth against the bulge in Phil’s boxers, breathing hot and warm against him.

“God… Dan…” Phil moaned, his fingers immediately coming to grip against Dan’s curls, not pulling, but there.

It had been so long since Dan had been here; faced with another man’s cock and the surety that he would be tasting him. It felt easy, it felt comfortable… it felt right. Whether it was the fact that Phil was a man, or that Phil was… well… Phil, Dan didn’t know and couldn’t bear to unpack now, presented with the hot flush creeping up Phil’s chest and the fingers massaging against his scalp as they currently were.

Dan pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and lifted the black boxers up and over Phil’s erection and down his outstretched legs. Phil’s cock was long and flushed, and Dan wrapped his hand around the base, squeezing gently before starting to move up and down the length. His breath was stuttering, his eyes falling closed before opening again almost immediately, as if he didn’t want to miss a moment.

Dan leant forward and tentatively licked a stripe up his length, from base to tip, before wrapping his lips around him and sinking down. He remembered this, how it made fire burn in his veins and white hot arousal spike through him, shorting his brain until all he could think about was wrenching those noises from Phil again. Dan kept up the suction and bobbed his head, bringing his hand up to reach what he couldn’t with his mouth.

“Dan… I’m so close.” Phil rumbled, his voice low and gravelly. Dan hummed and Phil bucked up at the vibrations. “Dan… I’m gonna come.”

Dan pulled off with a last kiss to Phil’s tip and continued the motion of his hands, jerking Phil as he looked up at him through his thick lashes.

“Do it, Phil.” Dan purred, moving quicker now, spurred on by the desperate sounds Phil had started making and the way his hips had started undulating. Dan leaned forward and pressed his lips against Phil’s inner thigh, biting hard and just like that Phil was coming. His head was thrown back and Dan’s name escaped like a caress on his lips as he did so.

Dan worked him through his orgasm, in awe of how ruffled Phil looked, how gorgeous and taken apart he was… and he had let Dan be the one to do it. He felt more alive than he could ever remember feeling before, like a wave of clarity had washed over him and his lungs felt full of air.

He felt fingers under his chin, tilting his chin to meet the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen, the most gorgeous smile ever directed towards him. He had done it again. Had forgotten the other life he had just a short train ride away and found himself basking on the shores of Phil’s affection as though he was a universe away from his other self. Pulling the warmth of Phil’s joy around him and revelling in how easy it was to want to give him something… give him everything.

“I don’t want to stop.” Dan said, refusing to look away.

Phil smiled a small smile, the corners of his eyes lifting as he did so. He brought his other hand to Dan’s other cheek, cupping his face and pulling him gently so their lips crashed together, all teeth and tongue. When they finally pulled away Phil’s hand stroked down his chest towards Dan’s neglected erection and he spoke with the unwavering surety Dan so desperately needed to hear.

“Then we won’t stop.”


	6. Hold My Breath Because You Are Perfect

Later, when their gasps had turned to sighs of contentment, when the frantic movement of skin against skin had become a close, calm embrace, and when Dan’s head lay gently against Phil's chest, the steady thrum of his heartbeat threatened to lull Dan into sleep. The warm post-coital glow wrapped around him like a security blanket, and Dan was reluctant to speak lest he burst the bubble and thrust them both sharply from the world they had created with each other.

As if knowing he couldn’t speak the words, it was Phil’s voice which shattered the silence.

“I think we should talk Dan,” he spoke quietly, his lips brushing against Dan’s curls.

Dan didn’t want to talk. In fact, he very much wanted to not talk. He wanted to be silent. To be safe and silent, breathing in the mix of woodsy aftershave and sweat which clung to Phil’s skin. Quiet was good. In the quiet, Dan could pretend that everything was fine, that he hadn’t again found himself with the taste of Phil on his lips. In the quiet he could pretend he belonged there; in Phil’s flat, in Phil’s bed, and maybe… in Phil’s heart.

“Yea,” Dan’s shuddered as he spoke, his hot breath skimming across Phil’s chest like a skipping stone. “I know.”

Dan made to pull away from Phil and sit up, feeling the tension wash over his body. Phil, however, wrapped his arm tightly around his waist, keeping him close. Dan went with the motion, allowing his senses to be filled with Phil; with the smell of sex and them.

“It’s obvious I really like you. Not just the sex-” Phil started.

“It is bloody good sex.” Dan interrupted. He felt Phil’s short laugh against his cheek. Dan frowned, he hadn’t been joking. It had been bloody good sex. There was the guilt hiding deep within him, but above all of that was the satisfied glow of peace, settled around him like a blanket.

Phil shifted from under him and lay on his side, facing Dan. He propped his head on his hand and studied Dan as he mirrored his pose and they were inches apart, eyes searching the other’s, looking for the courage to continue.

“Dan.” Phil chided, gently, allowing a small smile to form on his lips, as if to soothe the admonishment. Phil’s leg lifted and tangled between Dan’s, warm and solid. It felt more than just a random limb placed between his own to Dan. The scratch of Phil’s leg hairs against his own felt like an anchor keeping his ship steady in the tumultuous sea of the past two weeks.

Dan gently trailed his fingers down Phil’s chest, coming to rest amongst the smattering of dark hair just over his heart. They hadn’t gotten dressed when they’d finally collapsed against Phil’s bed, and Dan now regretted the decision, feeling exposed.

“I know. I'm awkward and nervous and post amazing orgasm… I use humour as armour.”

“Humour as armour?”

“Yea, you know, inappropriate jokes and…”

“Harmour, even.” Phil quipped, his tongue caught between his teeth in that way that was so fucking loveable.

Dan groaned, exaggerating the sound and moving his hand to jab at Phil’s sides. Phil giggled, delighted, and begged for Dan to stop. Dan eventually ceased his assault on Phil’s person, cheeks sore from laughter but his smile remaining none-the-less. His smile lingered, even as Phil’s finger came to press gently into the dimple on his cheek.

“You deserved that for persisting in telling such shit puns.” Dan spoke in a hushed voice, feeling small under the heavy weight of Phil’s gaze.

“They make you laugh.”

“I’m just humouring you because I’m nice.” Dan countered.

Phil’s smile slipped and a shadow of solemnity washed over his features. “You are,” he answered.

The atmosphere was thick and dense around them, the brightness of Phil’s bedroom juxtaposed the darkness threatening to spill from Dan’s pores every time he spoke. The truth of his life sat heavy on his tongue, waiting to tumble from his lips and his heart hurt with how desperately he wanted to pull the blanket up over them both and never leave.

This man. Phil. This gorgeous and funny man who told shitty puns, decorated his home with cartoon plushies, and drew gasps of pleasure from Dan with such ease it felt as if he could write a book on the exact way to take Dan apart. For some unknowable reason, this man wanted him, in a way that consumed every fibre of Dan’s being and occupied every one of his thoughts. Dan itched to be engulfed in everything Phil, but every time he imagined what that future would look like he could feel the truth on his tongue again like a hot pebble.

He sucked in a breath, deep with apprehension. It had to be now. It had to quick.

“I have a girlfriend.” Dan spoke quickly, unable to look up and meet those clear blue eyes, afraid of what he might see. “I don't even know if that's the right word. I mean, are we boyfriend and girlfriend? We’ve been together for five years and rent a house together. Her name is Anna.”

Beneath him, Phil was immobile. The air between them was filled with the oppressive silence of the truth.

“Anna.” Phil repeated in a whisper so quiet, Dan couldn’t be entirely sure he’d actually spoken. Her name on Phil’s lips hurt Dan more physically than a blow to his stomach.

“I'd convinced myself that maybe you weren’t serious.” Phil continued, “Like maybe you had only just started seeing each other and that’s why-” Phil stopped whatever he was going to say and in the silence that followed, Dan could hear him swallow and looked up in time to see his Adam’s apple bob. “Is everything okay… with you and… Anna?”

Dan suddenly missed the feeling of Phil’s leg entwined with his own, and wished desperately that he’d thought to tangle them again once he’d finally let up on tickling Phil. He found Phil’s touch to be calming, grounding even, and made the words come easier.

“Well yea. Although, no. I mean, the guilt has been pretty fucking awful. But then, maybe not. I've been, like, trying to avoid her and make it up to her at the same time…My behaviour has been a little erratic to be honest.”

Phil looked surprised. “Oh. You told her?”

“No!” Dan rushed to explain. He couldn’t imagine any scenario where he would have been able to explain what had happened and still be calling Anna his girlfriend. “I meant, like, I’ve been tidying up more than usual or washing up or something. Just trying to be… good.”

Dan sighed again. He felt all mixed up inside, his thoughts and feelings were jumbled. He felt as if the world had tilted and he was struggling trying to make sense of everything from new angle. Everything was there still… it was just… different.

He groaned and rubbed his hands over his face, needing the distraction to give him time to think through his words. “Phil. This thing between us was so… unexpected. You're funny, you're so fucking good, and we like the same things… You’re hot... so hot… like I wanna wank you off in a public bathroom room kind of hot… wanna put my lips around your-“

“Dan!”

Dan continued, ignoring Phil’s shout. “But we've known each other for barely a few hours in all. I know I feel something. It’s right here, between us… and I feel like it could be amazing… but…” Dan pushed the heels of his hands against his closed eyes and rolled closer to Phil. He tucked his head into Phil’s chest and let out a shaky breath when Phil’s arms moved to circle him. “But what if it isn't? Amazing, I mean. What if two months down the line you stop finding me funny and start thinking I’m cruel? I’m not very nice, Phil, and you might decide that you can't live with that?”

Tears were prickling Dan’s eyes by the time he’d finished. There it was. Out in the open to be examined and picked apart and judged.

He loved Anna, he knew that, but sometimes he feared that maybe… maybe he’d trained himself to love her. Maybe the fact that she was there, despite his habit of pushing everyone away, meant that he had conditioned himself to feel something for her. Not all love was romantic, after all.

He felt Phil’s hand shift around to rest under his chin, tilting his face so they were looking at each other. Dan felt exposed under the weight of Phil’s attention.

“I would never.” Phil whispered.

“You say that now. But wait until I’ve casually called you the C word because you’re beating me at Mario Kart.” Dan spoke quietly, desperately hoping the tears threatening to fall wouldn’t.

“Dan. I haven't thought about anything but you since I saw you at Liv’s party. Everyone at work thinks I'm seeing someone because I smile every time you text and being with you makes my heart race. Here…” Phil spoke softly and didn’t look away as reached down and took Dan’s hand in his, placing it against his bare chest, above his heart. “Feel.”

Dan could feel the rhythmic ba-dum of Phil’s heart under his fingertips and the movement of his chest as he spoke. It was comforting, soft and oh so Phil that Dan choked back the sob which caught in his throat.

“But I can’t be the person who helps you hurt someone else.” Phil’s words were quiet. “I know you feel guilty, Dan, but I do too.”

Dan didn’t know all that much about Phil, but he felt that probably he knew enough. He knew, without having to put it into words that Phil was absolutely feeling as guilty as Dan about what they had done. He knew that Phil was funny, kind and he cared about others with a freedom that Dan envied and admired in equal measure. His smile lit up a room and he laughed as though there was no darkness in the world. Looking at him then, Dan could see the shadow of guilt settling on his features, and he hated that he was the reason it was there.

Phil’s presence in his life was a whirlwind. A chaotic mix of lust, laughter and self-loathing which had left Dan panting and desperate for more. He had fallen for Phil, and fallen so hard that it was inevitable that he was here, beside Phil, dazed and confused. It was so quick, intense and all-consuming it felt as if it had to be right, but Dan knew that passion alone wasn’t enough to base a relationship on. How could they know if they would even like each other after the warm, rosy hue had worn off?

Dan closed his eyes as he spoke, refusing to watch how his words would affect Phil. “We don't have to never see each other again. We could be…” A deep breath in, “we could be friends.”

He heard Phil’s voice close against his ear. “Friends…”

Dan looked at Phil, desperate for him to convey how much he didn’t want to lose him. There was pain in those words, and Dan felt frantic with the urgent need to soothe him.

“We could try,” he said quietly, but with conviction.

The moment that passed stretched out before them. Reaching into the possible futures they could have together and giving Dan hope that there was more of these futures than ones where this was goodbye.

Eventually the fog of fear lifted and Dan looked up to Phil. His smile was small and sad, and it didn’t reach his eyes. Dan felt empty and hollow with regret at his own words, fearful of Phil’s choice.

“We can try.”

Those three words were a splinter in the dam within him which had been holding back the tears threatening to fall since he had first followed Phil out of Starbucks, sure of where it would lead them. Dan felt wetness against his cheeks and burrowed into Phil’s chest, ashamed. Phil’s arms came around him and held them tightly together. It was painful, almost too tight, but Dan never wanted Phil to let him go.

It felt as much of hello as it was a goodbye.

*~*~*

The weeks that followed were filled with testing the boundaries of their new friendship. It wasn’t easy, and Dan still found himself wracked with doubt and occasionally panic.

Daily texts, weekly phone calls, and the occasional evening spent shouting insults to each other over Skype as they competed in whatever the chosen video game of the evening became the feature of his days. Conversation between them was easy and teasing, occasionally toeing the line of risqué, but they accepted it as part of their new bond and left the conversation and the unusual way their friendship had started in the past.

Dan found he never questioned the swiftness with which Phil had settled into his life and become his best friend. He could no longer fathom a time where his phone wasn’t buzzing with the latest pictures of the dog Phil had seen while on his lunch break, or where he didn’t end his day by sending a `Goodnight`, revelling in the way his heart warmed at the immediate `Goodnight `he would get in response.

Phil’s presence in his life felt, Dan imagined, akin to getting a new pet. At first it was new and exciting, and Dan felt his presence keenly, full of energy, and actively sought opportunities to spend time with him, eventually becoming secure in the knowledge that he would always be there as a voice at the end of the phone, words on his screen, and the flutter in his heart.

Phil would always be there as his best friend, his buddy, his mate. Dan felt sure that Phil would always be there as that, in spite of how much Dan wanted him to be so much more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have the entirety of this fic planned out, and I am full of promise that it has a happy ending. :)


	7. The Only Heaven I'll Be Sent To

`**Phil:** We’ll be there for 7`

Dan often found himself staring at those five words on his phone screen in the run up to the evening he and Anna had planned. He wondered with a disparaging laugh whether junkies felt as fixated as he currently did. He was addicted to tapping his fingers quickly against his screen, anxiously unlocking his phone and revelling in the calm ease which washed over him as he read those same five words. They never changed, never altered, and, ridiculously, this in itself was comforting.

It’d been nearly three months since he’d last seen Phil and the initial jitters of excitement had settled into a quiet hum under his skin which occasionally fizzed up and filled him with excess energy threatening to burst out of him at any moment.

They’d parted on a hug and the promise of friendship and Dan knew they’d delivered in every way he could possibly imagine. For the most part he felt normal again. The physical distance from Phil allowed him to breathe easily again and each breath of air felt invigorating and refreshing, a welcome change from the stifling heat that guilt and proximity to Phil seemed to fill him with. With each inhale, Dan could feel the life being pumped around his body and he felt recharged, ready to face the world, and ready to put all the guilt, confusion and shame of the previous months to bed.

His relationship with Anna had returned mostly to what Dan considered conventional. He no longer felt crippled by guilt every time he watched her across the dinner table. He no longer spent car journeys to work fighting back tears because she’d made him breakfast and wasn’t that just so thoughtful, and how would she hate him if she knew what he’d done and wasn’t he just the most awful person in the world to have risked everything they had, everything they had built together for one night of passion with someone he barely knew?

No. Dan no longer let himself think those thoughts or feel those feelings, because he and Phil were friends now. Just friends. Best friends. Albeit best friends who spoke every day and who had developed what Phil called a psychic connection because they just clicked in every way that mattered. Yes. Friends.

Occasionally, late at night, when the grey light of the moon was scattered across their bedroom, casting shadows on Anna’s sleeping face tucked up on his shoulder, Dan would allow some of the dark voices a chance to speak. He would grip Anna a little tighter and set about convincing those voices that he was in love with her and this was definitely the right choice. He would exclaim avidly how the excitement and passion of the unknown wasn’t worth the risk of losing everything that he had. He would do this until tears fell and he couldn’t fight any more, turning wrapping his arm around Anna and closing his eyes, lost in the silence of his thoughts.

The problem now was that he was going to be seeing Phil again. The barriers of routine he’d spent the past three months building were tenable at best, and he didn’t believe they would withstand any kind of scrutiny. He wasn’t sure whether the friendship they had spent the last three months nurturing over black words on a grainy screen or disembodied voices over a crackly line would hold any substance when they met face to face again.

Dan worried that Phil would decide that he wasn’t worth the hassle and, actually, he wasn’t that funny and the back and forth banter they had developed actually was upsetting more than endearing. Dan was worried that Phil would find someone else to meet his need for a relationship and that person would become his best friend and take him away from Dan. Most of all, Dan worried that everything he had felt , all the desire, all the passion, and the feeling of security and belonging when he was with Phil would fade over time and the distance between them. Dan worried about losing Phil.

It was with those thoughts running through his mind that he found himself the afternoon of Phil’s arrival, stood in front of the full length mirror in their bedroom, hopping on one foot desperately trying to fit the other through the leg of his black skinny jeans. There were four other pairs thrown on the bed, and Dan had loudly and rudely declared all of them unsuitable and ‘not right’.

Anna had shaken her head as she walked out of the room declaring with a laugh that they were all the same and that Dan was the one who was ‘not right’.

When he finally pulled the fifth pair up over his hips and fed the button through the hole he was hot, annoyed and running far behind his own self-imposed schedule. The other jeans had all felt a little off, and Dan couldn’t think what it was that he didn’t like in each. He obviously liked them enough to buy them, so why weren’t they right? The pair he currently had on were the first he’d tried without rips hiding the pale flesh underneath and the dark black material hung a little loose down the length of his legs. The colour complimented the dark grey checked shirt he had finally settled on wearing.

Maybe the shirt needed to stand alone without the distraction of rips and tears? After far too long staring gruffly at his own reflection. Dan resigned himself to wearing what he had one. He studied his reflection for a few minutes more, placing his hands into his back pockets while he posed this way and that, still wanting to be they these were the right jeans.

He refused to unpack why it mattered so much to him that he felt he looked good tonight. As he moved his hands around in the back pockets he felt the tips of his fingers slip through what should have been the stitched side where it joined to the jean and turning to look in the mirror, saw his fingers pushed through a sizeable hole. Fuck.

It wasn’t as noticeable as the jeans were black all over, but it was annoying. Really fucking annoying. Dan rifled through the last two pairs of black jeans hanging in the wardrobe resigning himself to the fact that these holey ones would have to do. Just great.

Downstairs, Anna had started emptying packets of crisps into large bowls and setting them on the dining table amongst the other snacks and treats they’d bought. She looked beautiful in an effortless way. She had on a wide swing dress in a beautiful pastel blue with corgis printed all over it. Dan loved her quirky style and how freely she wore colours and patterns. He walked over and placed a kiss against her forehead.

“What do you want me to do?

She smiled and placed her hand against his cheek. “Nothing, it’s all done. Can you just check the front room is tidy? Fluff the cushions or something.” She shooed him away with a kiss and a flick of her wrist, and Dan laughed as he followed her bidding.

He spent a few minutes fluffing pillows, arranging throws and removing a few of the questionable songs from the playlist that was gently playing in the background when he heard the chime of the doorbell. He jumped up, shouting to Anna that he’d answer it and found himself immediately bundled in a tight hug whilst Liv’s excited voice shrieked into his ear.

“Dan!” She drew his name out long and loud.

“Liv! Dan replied equally as excited, eventually wrestling out of her arms and moving aside to let her in.

“Are we late? The driver got a bit lost.”

“Well you’re the first here. But that doesn’t mean you’re not late.” He quickly added. “Anna’s friends are always really late though.”

“We’re here, so quit your complaining. We would have been earlier but slow coach out there took ages.” She drawled out the end of her statement as she pointed past Dan towards the drive where he could now see Phil paying a taxi driver.

As he turned and started walking towards the house he noticed Dan and broke into a wide smile, throwing his hand out to the side in an awkward little wave as he approached. Dan returned the wide smile, and he felt the heat rise in his cheeks as his heart did that weird little flippety-flop thing which he was sure wasn’t healthy.

He looked gorgeous, the evening sun reflecting his in eyes and the wind blowing his hair slightly. He entered through the front door at a fast walk as though something primal within him was drawing him to closer.

He pulled Dan into a solid embrace, his fingers threading into Dan’s hair and his head nestled in the crook of his neck. Dan felt overwhelmed suddenly as he his mind and body caught up with the fact that Phil was here… With him… Again.

The panic and concern that Phil would be any different now seemed laughable, and he felt emotional at the relief that coursed through him. The distance and time apart felt unexpectedly cruel and unwanted. As if it had been forced upon the both of them and they had had no choice but to endure and suffer through the absence.

Dan sighed as he was enveloped in Phil’s embrace. He let go of the door and brought his arms up to wrap tightly around Phil’s waist pulling them even closer together, desperate to feel him there, to reassure himself that Phil was real, he existed is this reality, alongside Dan. He leant his head into Phil’s neck and breathed in deeply, filling his senses with all things Phil until his brain was a swirling cacophony of one word only, _Phil._

Dan felt lips press gently against the juncture of his neck and collarbone, it was light, tentative, and may have been missed if Dan wasn’t so acutely sensitive to Phil’s every movement. Dan’s eyes had drifted shut and in the darkness he could forget that there was anything else in the world besides them. He returned the kiss just as gently, the action little more than a small pressure of his lips against where they were already touching but the meaning was so much more. Subtle, but deliberate.

“You’re here.” Dan mumbled, the words so quiet he knew only Phil could hear them. He felt both breathless and full of life, scared and yet sure, lost and yet found. His heart was beating quickly and there was a rush of adrenaline under his skin.

“Yes.” Phil replied.

They were lost for what felt like forever, drifting together on a wide ocean, alone but for each other.

“There you are. You are allowed to let them in you know, Dan?”

Both Dan and Phil jumped apart at Anna’s voice coming closer down the hallway. Once a suitable distance apart he looked at Phil who was smiling shyly and attempting to straighten the white shirt under his pale blue jean jacket.

He looked up and caught the question in the arch of Liv’s eyebrow and her direct stare at them both. He chose to ignore it as Anna arrived beside him and pulled her into a hug.

“I’m so glad you could come.” Anna expressed as she pulled away from Olivia. “And you must be the new friend who has been stealing all of my boyfriend’s time.” Her hand linked with Dan’s and he smiled, unsure and she held her hand out towards Phil. He quirked an eyebrow as he looked down at her. She’d not called him that for years, claiming that the word was silly and didn’t represent everything that they were now.

To his credit, Phil didn’t flinch at the veiled comment and instead quirked his lips in a small reserved smile and took Anna’s offered hand.

“Yep, that’s me. Sorry. I get a bit excited when I meet a fellow nerd and sometimes forget that they have lives and responsibilities beyond the new Pokémon game.”

Anna’s friendly smile remained in place as she shook his hand, but her hand gripping Dan’s seemed tighter, almost possessive. He felt claustrophobic all of a sudden, and shook himself out of her grasp and bristled past all of them into the kitchen, shouting a “Come on, let’s get you both a drink,” over his shoulder.

 

Dan poured Liv and Phil’s drinks, directing them to the living room and offering them a seat. Now that they were here he could feel the starting twinges of awkwardness settle in. Despite his happiness to see his friends again, he wasn’t entirely sure why they had invited people over in the first place. It felt forced and unnatural already and he couldn’t imagine how much worse it would be when Anna’s friends arrived.

Whilst they drank, they engaged in the usual small talk. Anna’s hand on his knee, her thumb pressing a comforting circular motion into his thigh. She knew Dan felt uncomfortable in these scenarios, and she also knew that Dan was mostly taking part in this evening and had invited his friends along because she wanted him to feel more at ease. He would have preferred to hide upstairs until the evening was over.

A night of games, laughter and socialising… it would be fine. He would survive… surely?

Not long after, before the conversation had completely dried up but after the stilted silences seemed longer than most, Anna’s friends arrived in a riotous cloud of noise and excitement, there were so many of them that they run out of chairs quickly, people choosing to sit on the carpets and the dining table chairs and the general bustle of bodies, chatter and movement above the noise of the music became overpowering.

*~*~*

An hour later and the night had seemed a success so far, Anna was enjoying spending time with her friends in the comfort of her own home, playing the host. Dan could tell by the strength of her voice and the turn of her chin that she felt confident and at ease. He stood in the doorway of the kitchen, sipping his Ribena and smiling at how beautiful she was.

He admired how effortlessly she started and joined the conversations around her, picking up on the topic and tone of the conversation before jumping in with some anecdote which would have everyone laughing. She was popular and classically beautiful in a way that often made him question why she had chosen to settle her roots in the muddy brown dirt that was Dan’s life.

He sighed and made his way into the kitchen, picking at the crisps on the table. He wasn’t hungry, but he needed to be away from the noise and commotion of conversation.

“It’s a lot, isn’t it?” Phil appeared behind him, his voice a soft sound that warmed him from the inside.

“Yes,” he replied. “There’s so many of them. It’s exhausting.”

Phil smiled and reached out, taking a handful of popcorn.

“Thank you for coming. When Anna said I had to invite my own friends I could literally only think of you and Liv.” Dan frowned a little. “Sad isn’t it?”

“You’re welcome.” Phil smiled soberly in return. ”I wanted to be here. To see you again.”

“It does seem like ages, doesn’t it?”

“It really does. Sorry if I’ve been annoying with, like, the daily dog updates and the random facts and all that kind of stuff.” Phil looked sheepishly down at his handful of popcorn, studying it carefully before popping the contents into his mouth.

“Honestly, I’ve been relying on them getting me through the day. I mean, I just don’t know how I could think about starting work without knowing about, you know… olfactory fatigue or some shiz.”

Phil grinned and tossed a popcorn kernel at Dan, missing by a lot. “Exactly! Honestly Susan’s perfume was so strong when she came in it made my nose burn... like actual burning! And then by lunch I couldn’t smell it anymore and I thought like, that’s weird, right? So I googled it and there you go… now I know about olfactory fatigue.”

Honestly Phil was so fucking adorable. He was animated and excited and he spoke about even the most mundane things with an enthusiasm that was infectious. Dan found himself drawn to it like a magnet.

“And then you shared it with me.”

“Exactly.” Phil stared at Dan as he spoke, the quiet that followed was heavy between them. He broke the silence with sigh, so quiet Dan would have missed it if he wasn’t so desperately drinking in every little detail. “So your house is nice, Anna seems nice.”

Dan returned the sigh. Great, talking about his life, the exact subject he was hoping to ignore and yet was aware of the irony of the fact that Phil was here… in his house, with his… girlfriend, and seeing his life as it actually was for the first time.

“Thanks, its old and falling apart, you know, and the garden is a lot of hard work. And I’m not very good at all that physical labour stuff so we have to pay for someone to come in and mow the lawn and Anna complains all the time because she loves decorating and she’s proud and I’m fucking awful and lazy and I don’t understand her style, and why do I want everything to be black…”

Phil interrupted Dan’s ramble with a hand on his arm, squeezing slightly. “Dan,” He reassured, “You have a nice house.”

Dan smiled coyly as Phil’s touch fell away. “Thanks.”

The quiet that followed was comfortable and broken by the chatter from the other room. Dan was so happy that Phil had come and that he was able to spend more time with him, relishing how everything felt right, how all the pieces of his life clicked into place when Phil was around, how the answer to his purpose seemed to be tied up in everything Phil was. Some deep selfish part of Dan wanted to keep Phil all to himself, to reassure himself that Phil was here… for him.

Dan needed to break the tension building between them. He needed to remind himself that they were friends. “Wanna come see my lair?”

Phil’s laughter was loud and unexpected. “Lair? Is that what you ask all the boys?”

Dan could feel his cheeks heating.

“Shut up, come on, I promise you’ll like it.”

Dan wrapped his fingers around Phil’s wrist, his fingertips resting gently against his warm pulse-point, the skin soft and paper thin. He headed towards the stairs, dragging Phil behind him.

“Nice jeans.”

Dan turned surprised. “Oh thanks. They’re the only ones I have without rips in them.”

Dan was already at the door to the study, where his computer and consoles were set up, by the time he realised Phil was no longer trailing behind him. He had stopped at the top of the stairs, his eyes alight and a fond grin on his face.

“Oh. That’s interesting. How did you rip your pocket?”

Dan shrugged his shoulders. What on earth was Phil on about? “I don’t know. I only realised they were ripped this morning.”

“Oh really. I have a theory about how it could have happened.” Phil was acting odd. He walked slowly towards Dan, the knowing smirk still in place.

“Er… Okay…” Dan felt a little wary. “Are you alright?”

Phil ignored the question, moving closer and into Dan’s personal space, backing him up against the door frame.

“It could have happened when I was leaning against the counter in my kitchen and the pocket got hooked around the handle, ripping as I walked away.”

Dan felt hot under his clothes. It was ridiculous the effect that mere proximity to Phil had on him. Even now in his own home, under the same roof he shared with his girlfriend, and with said girlfriend’s cheerful laughter bouncing up the stairs.

“W- What?” Dan stammered.

“They’re my jeans Dan. The ones you borrowed the morning after Liv’s party.”

Shit. Awareness washed over Dan. “Oh my god!” He groaned in realisation. “They’re your fucking jeans! I gave you back your t-shirt and kept your jeans. Like a thief!” Dan could feel his voice rising as his embarrassment increased. “And then I invited you over to my house and had the fucking cheek to flaunt them under your nose! Oh my god. I’m such a fail!” His voice was pitched and shrill now.

Phil was properly laughing now. “Well your butt’s not been under my nose per se, more just in my general vicinity.”

“Fuck off!” Dan pushed Phil’s shoulder. “I honestly can’t believe I forgot that they were yours.”

“Don’t worry, it’s fine. Really.” Phil looked down at the floor, blushing. “I kind of like that you’re wearing my clothes.”

Neither of them moved, afraid to break the tender moment between them with words. Afraid that mere words would be the magnet that drew them together, lips meeting lips and skin touching, but also, afraid that it wouldn’t. Eventually Dan couldn’t take the tension anymore and moved away to open the door.

“So games…”

“Yes games.” Phil repeated.

*~*~*

Time passed quickly in the world they’d hidden themselves away in. Dan sat close to Phil on the sofa, their thighs touching from hip to knee, and the feather light brush of Phil’s arm against his made the hairs stand on end. It was so easy to fall into this routine, to get lost in spending time with him. Their conversation was easy and his heart felt full whenever Phil looked at him.

They’d started playing a two player campaign on one of the newer Resident Evil games, but had eventually changed to Mario Kart after they both realised they were not paying the game the attention it really required.

The start of his relationship with Anna hadn’t felt as charged as the start of his friendship with Phil did and the thought scared him. With Anna it had been exciting and loving and full of laughter. They’d spent evenings watching films whilst curled up on the sofa and sharing their deepest secrets. They’d gone for walks in the park linking their fingers together and drinking in the excitement of being together. Finding Anna in the great big world had felt like the best thing that had happened to him. He’d felt the most happy he could imagine, the most alive and content he envisioned a person could feel.

Until Phil.

He couldn’t help but compare every part of his life with Anna to that of how he felt when he was with Phil. He felt he could move mountains and part seas just with the strength of all these feelings he felt in his chest when looking into Phil’s blue eyes. He felt certain that he would cross oceans with a thought if it meant that he could be beside Phil. It was overwhelming, suffocating and freeing all at the same time. The feeling of being right and sure and so absolutely certain that they must be best friends and soulmates.

“There you guys are, I didn’t realise I’d been invited as some kind of ruse, Dan.”

They both jumped as Liv’s voice filled the empty space around them. Phil let out a high pitched yelp and Dan dropped his controller as his arms flailed to protect himself from the unexpected noise.

“Oh my god!” Dan’s voice was loud and a little shaky. “Why are you creeping up behind me like some creepy… slender or something?” Dan felt panicked and as if he’d been caught doing something naughty. He was desperately wracking his brain, trying to remember whether he’d been doing anything conspicuous. It would be just his luck that Liv would catch him staring heart eyes at Phil.

He heard a victory cheer from the television and turned to see Phil’s character celebrating his win in first place. The betrayal!

“Oi, you little shit!” He bellowed and elbowed Phil hard in his ribs.

Phil laughed loudly as he squirmed away from the action, holding his controller up like a shield.

“I’m downstairs with your girlfriend, hosting your party, and you’re skiving up here with your new best friend playing video games.” Olivia said sternly, only the crinkles around her eyes gave away the fact that she was not truly annoyed.

Phil looked a little unsure before turning his head downcast. “Sorry Liv. We’ll come down.”

She laughed as she moved into the room and sat on the arm of the sofa beside Dan, scuffling her hands through the hair on both their heads, ignoring the indignant yelps as she messed up their styled hair.

“Aw, you kids are so cute.” She said in a friendly but mocking tone. “No, you’re alright. It’s actually going well. They’re all complaining about some other friend who was invited but hasn’t turned up, so, you know. We’re probably safer up here.”

Liv stayed perched where she was, eyes flitting between the television screen and the two men sat beside her, trading playground insults, shy smiles and fond looks at each other. They started another game and as usual Dan found himself winning very quickly, their competitive natures meaning that Dan was a boastful winner and Phil a pouty loser. Their competitive natures also mean that they spent most of the races trying to distract the other. Phil would tell ridiculous stories about the most absurd things he could think of in order to put Dan off, resorting to physically manhandling him if they didn’t work, and Dan found that the more lurid and shocking he was, the deeper Phil would blush and the more distracted he would become.

“I can’t tell if you are any good at this game, but you’re both really entertaining to watch.” Liv said as she jumped off the sofa to escape the dramatic re-enactment of a Lord of the Rings battle that had broken out between them because Dan had yelled “You shall not pass!” as he blocked Phil’s attempted undertake around a corner.

“Honestly, I was watching you for a while before. You’re both very… animated.”

A spike of panic shot through Dan as he desperately tried to remember what they’d been doing in the time before Liv’s arrival. He knew deep down that he wouldn’t have been doing anything too controversial in the scope of their new friendship, but he couldn’t help but wonder whether it was as plain to anyone else as it was to him the affection he felt for Phil whenever he was anywhere near.

He decided to play nonchalant. Even if she was questioning their friendship, what could she prove?

“I’m good at this game. Phil’s maybe a little above average.” He quipped, much more casually than he felt.

Phil made an indignant noise. “Hey! I’m good at this game. You just cheat a lot.”

“I don’t cheat.” Dan opened his mouth in mock outrage. “I’m just a superior player. You can’t beat the master, Phil.”

Phil started protesting as he waved his hands quickly in front of Dan’s eyes, blocking his view of the television and making Dan lose two places. Dan swore at him and he giggled in glee and attempted to make up some of the places he’d also lost during his attempted sabotage.

Liv had pulled the desk chair over and returned to watching them. “Honestly guys, this is gold. You’re like two six foot tall excitable children high on E numbers.”

Dan’s laughed blissfully as scooted a little closer to Phil and selected the next race course, ready to annihilate him.

*~*~*

The end of the night had come swiftly, sneaking quietly through the rooms of the house, changing the clocks as he went. The noise from downstairs was quieter and muffled now and the music had stopped. Liv was yawning every few minutes and even Dan was struggling to maintain his winning streak, his eyes stinging and his legs restless from lack of movement. Phil’s head had come to rest on his shoulder as he half-heartedly directed his character around the track.

He eventually declared himself the winner to minimal protestation from Phil and made them all get up, leading them through the house to book their taxi and say their goodbyes to Anna. They parted with a quick hug and a thank you, to which Anna was gracious as usual, and Dan escorted them to the end of the drive to wait for their ride home.

Outside, the night was dark and the sky was clear, the only light came from the full moon covering them in a silvery film. The cool air was sobering like a bucket of cold water over his head, and it took Dan’s breath away as he waited with them, the only sounds a quiet rustling from the hedgerows on the opposite side of the road. A hedgehog or fox probably, foraging for his meal.

Dan felt the gloomy wash of sadness in his stomach as he realised Phil would be leaving again and he didn’t know when he would be seeing him again. He was desperate to ask him, to say something, but he couldn’t think of any words which would do justice to the weight of what he was feeling at that moment.

Phil broke the silence eventually, looking up from his shoes to meet Dan’s gaze. “So I enjoyed this evening, thank you again for inviting me.” His voice was quiet and breathy, as though afraid of what he might say and who might hear.

Dan managed to hold back the nervous bubble of laughter at Phil’s words. They didn’t seem real. They didn’t seem big enough.

“Of course. I’m glad you came.” He regarded Phil, aware of Liv’s shadow in the periphery. He was worried he would say something he would regret in front of Liv, but he also knew if he didn’t say anything he would regret it so much more.

“I missed you.” He sighed. He spoke so quietly the words were almost a whisper, nearly lost to the expanse of the night sky above them.

Phil’s eyes opened wide, and Dan could swear they were watery now where they hadn’t been before. He looked thoughtful for a moment, before glancing quickly at Liv, as if debating whether to say the words he wanted to.

“Missing my face, eh?” Phil joked but the words were not light, there was a weight to them, a longing. His tongue caught between his teeth, even though the smile didn’t reach his eyes.

Dan nodded. “Something like that. Yes.”

He’d tried to joke, but the words came out too full of emotion. The truth of them was impossible to hide beneath a lie.

Down the end of the road, Dan could see the lights of a vehicle approaching, and knew that it would be the taxi. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye, and the absurdity of that very notion made him feel a little hysterical, a sting catching in the back of his throat as he tried to supress the tears threatening to fall.

Phil looked to the approaching vehicle and the shock of seeing the very thing that would take him away from Dan seemed to spur him into action. He threw his arms around Dan, holding him close and tight, filling his senses. Dan moved his arms around Phil’s waist, returning the hug just as tightly, just as desperately. Every goodbye was a physical pain in his chest.

He felt lips press against his neck again and Dan mirrored the movement. Earlier in the evening the action had felt titillating and invigorating, but now it felt bittersweet. It felt like a secret, like a promise, like something to be cherished and longed for.

“I’ll text you,” Phil spoke against his skin. “Okay? We’ll meet up again soon. You can come to mine. We’ll play some more video games and I’ll make you dinner or something.”

Dan choked out a noise of agreement, unsure if Phil would understand but unable to put actual words to the agony of doing this again.

Phil starts to pull away and Dan reluctantly lets him go. His hands linger on Phil’s waist for longer than is polite, and he knows that he is being obvious. Whatever this thing between them is, whatever feelings were filling his head and his heart in this moment… he knew that Olivia knew, and he knew that he didn’t care.

He studied Phil intently as he turned away and opened the taxi door, determined to never miss a moment of seeing him. When he finally scooted along the seat and out of sight, he turned to Liv who had been quiet throughout.

She took his hands in hers, a frown creasing her forehead as she said his name. It was a question and Dan didn’t know how to answer.

He shook his hea and pulled her into a hug. It was warm and solid, but wary, and he could feel the question burning between them.

It was as the red glow of the vehicle's rear lights turned the corner and disappeared from sight that Dan finally allowed himself to suck a deep breath in, the crisp air filling his lungs. The exhale transforming into a sob.


	8. Show Me How You Are A Kaleidoscope

It was three weeks before Dan could see Phil again. The fresh, crisp October evenings had turned to wet, cold November nights and the darkness of winter settled around him.

There was a saying that Dan remembered, that absence made the heart grow fonder, and he felt that sentiment more keenly now than he ever had before. Sometimes in the times between Phil, he found he felt normal again, happy with his lot, with his life. He wasn’t overwhelmed by the need to be with Phil and found he could pack up all those pesky feelings and the memories of Phil’s beautiful blue eyes and milky white skin into a little corner of his brain, and mostly… just get on with his life.

But those times were rare and were made all the more difficult by his constant need to be absorbing any and all attention Phil bestowed upon him. The texting was easiest, as the flutter in his heart would only last a minute or two and he could mostly pretend that he was going about his normal day. The skype calls were the hardest. He would be in front of his PC or his Xbox playing a game and Phil’s face would be filling the screen of his laptop just off to the side and Dan would catch himself watching Phil instead of the television screen as they played.

The week following the evening he had last said goodbye to Phil in person was extremely difficult. He’d gone back into the house and started helping Anna tidy up, acutely aware of the fact that she seemed… off. Dan was tired, and hurting, and so emotionally drained he couldn’t face another conversation. So, with a heavy heart he had chosen to ignore the tension between them until slipped into bed hours later, trying not to wake Anna.

Liv had also been suspiciously quiet during the days following their visit, and Dan found himself nervous to ask Phil whether she had said anything to him. They didn’t speak daily as he had been with Phil, but there would normally be a message in his inbox following an evening together. Eventually he couldn’t face the anxiety anymore and messaged Phil.

`**Dan:** have you heard from liv at all`

`**Phil:** Not really. I think she’s been avoiding me. Has she not spoken to you either?`

`**Dan:** no. did she say anything on the way home`

`**Phil:** No she didn’t. But then I was a little distracted.`

Dan closed his eyes, the lump in his throat catching, but he refused to allow the tears to form. He knew exactly how Phil had felt, he had felt it too. He was still feeling it. It should be so easy, after all. Boy meets boy, they fall in love, and they live happily ever after. Isn’t that how the stories go? What’s so difficult about that?

But of course, in the fairy tale, boy doesn’t have a long-term girlfriend, or a rental agreement on a house, or peers and colleagues who know so much about his life and have expectations and beliefs about him already. Boy doesn’t have a family who are waiting, albeit impatiently, for their first grandchild.

`**Dan:** i know`

He took a deep breath in and with shaky fingers typed out his next message.

`**Dan:** i miss you`

There was a long pause before the little dots appeared to show Phil was typing again. The ringing in his ears had pitched until it was an unbearable, piercing crescendo of noise.

`**Phil:** I miss you too.`

In the grand scheme, the words they had just shared were small, a tiny blip in the world. But, despite knowing they had only seen each other days before, expressing that he missed Phil already felt huge to Dan. This thing between them was so new and Dan was struggling with the feelings of insecurity that were plaguing him. Dan just wanted to protect himself.

The more that time passed he found himself gradually coming to accept this new version of himself and how selfish he was being. Without conscious thought, he realised that he was doing and saying things that would ensure he had the best of both worlds. He could have Phil’s beautiful smile, his feather light touches against his neck, and his deep voice whispering in his ear. He could have Anna at home cuddling up to him as he watched TV, her soothing hands after a hard day of work, and her whispers of “I love you” in the darkness. He could have all of it, if he could just convince himself he would be happy if he and Phil were simply friends.

*~*~*

They had finally settled on a Saturday when Dan could visit and neither of them had any other engagements. Dan had broached the subject warily with Anna as soon as they’d decided on a date. He was afraid she’d see the context he was desperately trying to pretend wasn’t there, or, that she’d find it to be the last straw in his new mysterious, suspicious and generally awful behaviour, but she’d been her usual chipper self, understanding and accommodating.

He’d started taking his phone everywhere with him, and had changed the passcode to something as random as he could imagine. It wasn’t that any message by itself was a particular cause for concern as they were mostly boring day to day observations. But put together, seen as part of the bigger picture, the messages between them told a story of two people with a connection that run so much deeper than was normal for people who were in the infancy of their friendship.

There were the tentative **_“I miss you”_** which had become a daily habit now that they had admitted those feelings out loud. There were the **_“goodnight”_** , which had started innocently enough, but were now filled with longing and declarations of dreaming of the other. There were the pictures. So many pictures. Innocent snapshots of dogs and parks interspersed between selfies of relaxing on the sofa, shirtless after a shower, and one picture he had sent… Dear God, that picture he had sent.

They’d started by messaging each other innocent platitudes from their day which quickly escalated into the flirty, heated and teasing banter which assumed the majority of their interactions with each other. Eventually the pictures started becoming more suggestive, framed closer and more intimately, their faces filling the screen and the lighting much subtler.

They’d been messaging each other relentlessly since they’d both finished work only four hours previously and Dan could feel the subtext coursing under his skin as he stepped into the bathroom.

`**Dan:** i’m literally about to get in the shower. stop sending me these dirty pics, i need to get clean ;)`

`**Phil:** You’re about to get into the shower? Are you naked right now? o.O`

Dan grinned at how thrilled the flirty comments were making him. They were always trying to outdo each other: who could be the flirtiest, who could be the most daring? He tipped his phone down towards his legs and snapped a photo of his bare feet and calves against the white ceramic tile.

`**Dan:** as the day I was born`

Dan sent the message and the image as he waited for the shower to heat up. His phone pinged almost immediately with a message.

`**Phil:** That’s as good as porn to some people you know! I’ve read about people who would pay good money for a picture like that.`

`**Dan:** Phil. do you have a foot fetish? you can tell me. i don’t kink shame`

When Phil’s reply filled his screen Dan nearly dropped his phone. It was a motion image of Phil, his dark hair ruffled and pushed back, a small teasing smile was playing on his lips and there was a glint of mischief in his eyes. Mostly, it was the way Phil’s tongue peeked out from between his lips and seemed to draw his bottom lip slowly between his teeth. This was accompanied by a single, deliberately suggestive eyebrow raise which had Dan feeling hot all over.

Fucking hell, he sucked in a breath. It was such a simple, almost demure image compared to some of the things Dan had already seen of Phil, but the measured intent behind the image was electric. Phil had posed for that picture, had thought about Dan and considered their boundaries and had still sent it. He knew Phil had probably not even considered that it would be anything but an amusing continuation of their joke, but the image sparked desire in Dan and made his breathing heavy.

Dan was feeling reckless again, too full of desire to be concerned that these feelings could overcome him even when he wasn’t with Phil. He run his hand through his hair and pushed away from the edge of the sink before he could question too deeply what he was about to do.

He turned to the mirror and posed. His right arm raised and his fingertips gently pressing against the soft line of his throat. His eyes downcast and his bottom lip held between his teeth. The edge of the mirror had started to fog and a blush coloured his chest and cheeks. The feeling of ridiculousness made him hesitate. Dan snapped the picture, careful to ensure the v of his abdomen teased the edge of the mirror. He sent it quick and threw his phone onto the side, stepping into the shower as if to wash away the memory of what he had just done.

The hot water hitting his shoulders felt good but did nothing to quell the rising heat. And he now had another matter to attend to. He’d taken himself in hand and let the memory of Phil’s face fill his mind as he relaxed into the feeling.

``**Phil:** Fuck  
**Phil:** God Dan, I wish I was there with you  
**Phil:** I wish I could see you right now.  


Once out of the shower, spent and with his phone back in his hand, Dan smiled. He knew that feeling of longing so well and craved all attention that Phil deemed to give him. He was sure it wasn’t healthy.

`**Dan:** i wish i was with you too`

*~*~*

With those memories fresh in Dan’s mind, standing outside of Phil’s flat now seemed impossible. A jarring out of this world experience that he was unsure whether he would even remember once he returned home.

He knocked confidently square in the centre of the door, contradicting himself immediately after by shuffling nervously from one foot to the other. He heard shuffling and movement on the other side of the door before it opened and revealed Phil like a gift.

Every sighting of Phil felt as breath-taking as the one before it. He felt as if he would never get bored of seeing Phil. The way Phil’s eyes glittered and he smiled wide assured him that Phil felt the same way too.

Dan stepped forward at the same time as Phil and they moved towards each other in sync, arms holding tight and filling their senses with each other. Dan didn’t fight the urge to be touching Phil, and pressed his lips to the base of Phil’s neck, closing his eyes in relief as he felt Phil mirror his actions. It felt familiar and comforting, like the luxury of being home after a long time away.

“It’s good to see you again” Phil said, voice muffled against Dan’s skin.

“God.” Dan breathed back. “It feels like ages.”

The rumble of Phil’s laughter reverberated against his chest. “It really has, hasn’t it?”

They drew apart slowly and Dan moved his hands to rest either side of Phil’s jaw, cupping his face and lifting slightly so their eyes met. The crackle of electricity was back again, as it always was when they were in each other’s company. Phil’s hands were pressing into Dan’s hips and his eyes slid shut as he lowered his forehead to Phil’s, their noses bumping slightly.

Dan just breathed. He just needed to be here, in this moment, breathing with Phil for as long as the universe would let him.

A loud bang from behind shocked them from their trance and they sprung apart. One of Phil’s neighbours had just entered the communal hall from their flat and was giving them both a wary glare as they walked past.

Dan let out a giggle at the absurdity of getting caught sharing this moment in the hallway, like his life was some kind of cheesy rom com. “You gonna let me in or have I come all this way to look at the stairwell of your flats?”

Phil beamed and let out an exaggerated sigh. “Ugh. I suppose, if you must.”

Dan followed Phil into his flat and sat heavily down on the sofa, dropping his rucksack at his feet. Phil followed and sat sprawled on another chair.

“So, Lester, what is the plan for today?”

“Well, Howell. It depends really. I have some ideas, but first, breakfast?”

Dan let out a groan of appreciation. “Yes. I am starving.”

Phil pushed himself off the chair and held out his hand to pull Dan off the sofa. “Come on then, you’re helping.”

The kitchen was modern but small compared to Dan’s. Phil started pulling ingredients from the cupboards and set about making them breakfast. Dan wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be doing to help but even just seeing the food reminded him how hungry he was.

He’d been so eager to leave that morning that he’d not eaten any breakfast, just pressed a kiss goodbye to Anna’s cheek as he rushed out of the car towards the train station. The High Speed into London took less than an hour so he’d not bothered with eating on the train, his thoughts distracted with the anticipation of seeing Phil again.

“What are we having?” Dan asked, leaning back against the counter.

“Pancakes.” Phil replied, excitedly pouring the now mixed batter into a large frying pan.

Dan sniggered. “Fancy.”

“I love pancakes.” Phil moaned in agreement. “I think I’m probably about 85 percent pancake batter…. Give or take.”

Dan‘s cheeks dimpled as he watched Phil gesticulating wildly with the spatula.

“Can you grab the knives and forks out? They’re in the drawer over there.” He pointed behind himself without looking and Dan headed in that general direction to find the cutlery.

Once found and placed on the breakfast bar, Dan pulled out a bottle of Ribena he’d found during his search and poured them both a glass.

Phil was tipping pancakes onto plates and Dan was laying the table. It felt immediately very domestic and relaxed and the noises of them both sharing the space, making breakfast, warmed Dan from the inside.

They sat together, sharing what was honestly an obscene number of pancakes and stories of everything from their childhoods to the previous week at work. By the time they’d washed up and made their way back to the living room, Dan knew all about Phil’s brother and parents, his idyllic northern upbringing and his wayward university years.

Dan shared stories of his darker emo days and the loneliness as well as glimpses of brighter times. A day at the seaside with his family, his grandma letting him and his brother bury her under the sand until only her head was left out, wrinkled with laughter.

Back in London, the morning gave way to a bright, albeit cold, afternoon and they cleared up after themselves, stretching out on opposite ends of the sofa, their feet entwined together in the centre.

“So, I, err, have a confession to make.” Phil broke the comfortable quiet which had fallen between them.

Dan studied Phil, a question written on his face, wondering what on earth Phil would be confessing to.

“Yea, so. You know how you’re… well err… you’re here and all.” Phil had started rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “Well, the thing is… and I didn’t know if you’d even want to do it, but I thought you might, so I got the paperwork and read through it. You know… uh… just in case you thought it might be fun…”

“Phil…” Dan started.

“But if you don’t we can just forget it, uh, I just thought it might be fun.” The words rushed out of Phil in a breath.

“Phil.”

Phil’s mouth snapped shut and he looked at Dan with wide eyes. Dan placed his hand on Phil’s ankle and squeezed gently.

“You’ve been talking for like nearly three minutes and I have no idea what on earth you are trying to tell me.” He smiled to take some of the sting out of his words.

Phil took a deep breath and returned the smile, the tension seeming to leave his body as he did so.

“So, you know how I work at Channel 4?” Dan nodded. “Well, we find out about all the new TV pilots they’re making, as they send them around on like the monthly bulletin, and normally they’re just the most awful shows and I couldn’t imagine ever considering being on one. Oh my God, like this one just recently, they wanted people to dress up as…”

Dan watched Phil ramble on about some new pilot that he hoped would never be commissioned and admired the softness under his fingers as he massaged the skin of Phil’s ankles, pushing firmly into the fleshy bit. Phil’s head jerked up and his mouth snapped shut as he drew his leg away from the touch on reflex.

“Ow!” he pouted, rubbing his ankle.

“Phil,” Dan rolled his eyes, “the point?”

Phil put his leg back with Dan’s in the centre of the sofa, rubbing his toes against Dan’s as he did so.

“Channel 4 are making a new show, a bit like, do you know Gogglebox?”

“That show where they film people watching TV?”

“Yea that one. It’s won loads of BAFTAs and everything. And the channel is really proud of it.” Phil was picking lint off his shirt, avoiding Dan’s eyes. “Anyway, the production company want to make another version but with, like, with video games.”

“Gogglebox with video games?” Dan asked incredulously.

“Yea. It doesn’t have a working title yet, but they’re after audition tapes. You know, uh, I don’t really think we’d even be successful, but I thought it might be fun. You know, Liv said we were entertaining to watch, and, err, I don’t know about you, but I’m always playing something on the computer, and we play together online a lot. I thought, I thought maybe it could maybe be fun?” Phil ended his little speech on a question and Dan could tell he was regretting his idea now. There was a red blush dusting his cheeks which would be funny if it wasn’t so charming.

“You want us to audition?” Dan asked slowly.

“Well, sort of.” Phil replied, “Basically what I was thinking is that we can set up a camera, we’ll play a game, I’ll put it together and we’ll send it in.”

It didn’t seem that scary when put like that, much less frightening than the interview style audition he was envisioning, where men in suits sat at a table and demanded he recite the Konami code back to them whilst maintaining a perfect score on DDR.

“So, we just play a game?” Dan asked, dubiously.

“Yea, if it’s rubbish we don’t even have to send it in.” He looked a little less nervous now that Dan seemed to not have laughed the idea off immediately.

“What will we play?”

Phil frowned. “I’m not sure. I think it’d help if we played something funny, maybe. Something that’s entertaining even if we don’t have anything to say?”

He seemed nervous again. Dan let the quiet settle around them for a few minutes before he grinned and stood up, clapping his hands as he did so. “Right, come on then, let’s get it all set up and then we can think about what to play.”

They moved around the house for a while, Phil dragging out and connecting equipment he’d borrowed from work which would allow them to record what they were playing as well as record themselves. There were wires everywhere and Dan found he enjoyed the authoritative tone Phil took whilst telling him which lead to plug in and where best to position the sofa.

The hustle and bustle was exciting. There was a heady mix of nerves and joy just under the surface and Dan found himself moving around the room unable to remain still. Eventually, after what seemed like forever, Phil declared the wiring and camera set up complete and flopped down on one end of the small, black two seater sofa Dan had moved closer and square to the large TV screen.

Dan took the controller Phil offered him and crossed his legs under him, his left knee resting on Phil’s thigh and leaning forward eagerly. “So, what are we playing?”

Phil hummed and started scrolling through the screen, game titles flicking past quickly as he chewed on his bottom lip. Dan’s eyes kept flicking towards the camera set up beside the TV. It wasn’t particularly big, but its presence was intimidating and though he knew it wasn’t live, he felt as though there were people watching his every move already.

The room was bathed in a grey light from the overcast sky outside and Dan found himself worrying about silly little things which he felt sure Phil would laugh at him for. Was he sitting too casually? Was the angle highlighting his many chins? Was he touching Phil too much? So many questions and worries were crowded into his mind that Dan was certain whatever footage they ended up with when the day concluded would be a nervous, stuttering mess of crap.

“Dan?” Phil’s loud voice made Dan jump as he stopped staring at the camera and snapped his head to look at Phil.

“Huh?” Dan asked.

“You okay?”

Dan shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. He’d spiralled down a hole of critical self-judgement, desperately analysing every potential move and word and how it could look to an outsider. “Uh, yea,” he stuttered, “Yea I am. Sorry, was just… err… thinking.”

“We don’t have to apply, you know. We could just forget it and play.”

Dan met Phil’s eyes. Phil was right, they could just drop it and play on and everything would remain the same as it was. He would spend his week pining after Phil, miserable and afraid of change, but also terrified of staying the same. Terrified of wasting the time he and Phil were together just longing for him but never having him. Scared that the moments that mean so much, that fill his heart with love and devotion, will feel banal and trivial. Yes, they could stop filming and just play a game, but Dan wanted to seize opportunities and embrace their relationship.

Dan inhaled, holding it for a count of three, willing the tension away as he exhaled. “I’m ready. What are we playing?”

“Mario Kart of course.” Phil’s smile returned as he pushed back into the sofa and tucked his feet under Dan’s thigh. “I’m taking you down… down town!”

Dan groaned. Honestly, Phil’s banter would be annoying if it wasn’t delivered with such innocent glee. The screen loaded and they chose their characters, Phil dropping some pretty questionable dad calibre jokes about what the characters were wearing.

He marvelled at this version of Phil he’d never seen before; slightly brighter, voice pitched a little higher, accent a little more Southern. Dan found himself unable to stop his gaze wandering over Phil’s odd socks tucked under his thigh still, his toes occasionally wiggling with pent up energy, over his chest, his t-shirt pulled taut and showing off the enticing dips and curves of his torso and shoulders, and up his neck, causing a primal urge in Dan to push his lips against the pale unblemished skin.

Dan managed to resist, just, and instead turned back to the screen as Phil started scrolling through tracks.

“So,” Phil started casually, not looking away from the TV, “the winner gets a special prize.” Phil drew out the word ‘special’ and attempted to wink, although it ended up an exaggerated blink.

Dan rolled his eyes and chose to ignore the failed wink, humming to let Phil know he was listening.

From behind himself, Phil pulled out a giant bag of Haribo and made a show of presenting it dramatically to Dan. “Haribo!”

“How long have you been sitting on them?” Dan shrieked as he reached to grab them from Phil.

They tousled for a few minutes, Phil holding them out of reach and Dan jabbing him in the sides to get him to surrender them. Eventually Phil surrendered the sweets to Dan who took them with a look of disgust.

“Ew, they’re all warm!” He squealed as he threw them back towards Phil’s face. “Your arse has heated them!”

Laughing, Phil placed them on the arm of the sofa beside him. “Well if you don’t want a prize, they’ll have to be mine.”

Dan snorted, “You’d eat them all as well, wouldn’t you?”

Phil grinned toothily back at him and suddenly Dan was pulled from his staring session by the jaunty music and 3… 2… 1… Go! from the TV. He spun to face the screen and shouted indignantly as he realised Phil had started the race while he was distracted.

“You little shi… What a snek!” Dan shouted as he slammed his fingers onto the buttons and attempted to teach Phil the most important lesson of Mario Kart. Dan is the master.

By the time he’d crossed the finish line in first place, obviously, he’d completely forgotten about the eyes of the producers in the future potentially judging every word he said and was loudly declaring himself the winner, mimicking a crowd victory cheer as he made sure his hands and arms were obnoxiously in front of Phil’s face.

He groaned and bit down on his controller, pouting when he finally removed it from between his teeth. Dan turned and grinned at him, the returning smile warmed both his heart and his collar. It was amazing how a simple smile and some eye contact could transport him back to that loud, dingy cubicle all those months ago and cause a rush at those memories. Dan cleared his throat and dragged his gaze away from Phil’s, eyes flitting to the red light of the camera watching them.

Phil’s arm twitched where it had come to rest on his thigh as if to reach for Dan, but he stopped himself in time, joining Dan in a quick glance to the camera. Dan turned to face him, wondering whether they were done with the recording now. It seemed so odd that Phil would want to do something as overt as be on TV, and this version of Phil, the entertainer, reminded him of the outgoing, extrovert version of Phil he had met at the nightclub.

Dan took the proffered prize as Phil mocked a look of resignation. “OK, you win.”

He opened the bag of sweets and tilted them towards Phil, who opened his mouth and stuck out his tongue, eyes glittering. Dan picked out a garish green sweet and tossed it at Phil, aiming for his mouth. He missed and Phil flinched as it rebounded off his nose and landed on the floor.

They both giggled and Phil opened his mouth again and screwed his eyes shut, waiting for another sweet. Dan picked out a bright red sweet and, holding his breath, placed the sweet between Phil’s lips. Phil’s eyes sprung open and his mouth closed around the sweet, tongue drawing it in.

Dan let the pads of his fingers drag Phil’s bottom lip down, trailing a line across his jaw and down his neck until he was leaning in to Phil, the quickening beat of Phil’s heart warm under his palm. They were closer now than they’d been all afternoon, leaning into each other’s space. Dan could feel the heat of every breath Phil took soft against his skin and he could feel the want building inside, urging him to bring their lips together. The tension was palpable and shocking in its swiftness.

He didn’t, despite the cold fist that clenched around his heart at his decision. He couldn’t. He needed to fight this feeling if they ever hoped to nurture their friendship beyond a facsimile of one. Dan let out a whimper of frustration.

Phil, in his wisdom, seemed to understand the chaos of Dan’s emotions without him having to say anything. He brought his arms up to circle Dan’s waist and moved his head into Dan’s neck, placing his lips into the place they belonged. It was so much more difficult to convince himself that he was making the right decisions when he was wrapped up in Phil’s arms. He knew Phil longed for him in all ways as well, and knew that his constant give and take would be hurting Phil, even if he would never admit it.

But Dan was selfish.

*~*~*

Dan watched in amazement as Phil worked his editing magic and crafted the video into something so professional Dan was certain it could be shown on the TV as it was. The small rectangle that contained the images of themselves jumped from the top left-hand corner to being full screen with ease and fit with the natural flow of the game itself.

Dan had to admit it was pretty funny. There were periods which were a bit dull but Phil had insisted that the production company wanted to see the whole thing. But overall the finished video was amusing to watch, even if he did keep cringing every time he overreacted whenever he slipped from first place.

Dan had had to close his eyes when they’d watched it through the first time, before Phil had started splicing and cutting the footage. The image of them on the sofa, foreheads pressed together and longing seeping from their every pore was too difficult to watch.

He’d turned to Phil quickly and what he saw on his face nearly wrenched a sob from Dan’s throat. He looked… hurt. The glare of the screen reflected in his watery eyes, the tears unshed, and his brow creased as though the act of watching was causing him physical pain. He couldn’t bear to look.

When he’d dared to look again the on-screen Phil was brightly declaring the prize they were playing for, and Dan could tell by the length of the video that all closeness between them was gone.

The memory of Phil’s face had plagued him all afternoon and into the early evening. It had been a dark cloud over their shared takeaway dinner and as threatening to tarnish the whole day together. Even now, as he lay on his side curled up against Phil who was stretched out on his bed, laptop between them, Dan couldn’t help but remember.

The form was filled out and the final video was attached and all that remained was to push the submit button. It was terrifying.

“Is it enough?”

The words surprised him, and Dan was even more shocked to find that he had said them. Now that they were out there he found he really wanted to know. Was their friendship enough? Were these stolen moments enough? Was Dan enough?

Phil scrolled down the form for the third time. “I think so. Honestly, so many people apply to these things we’ll probably not hear from them again.”

Dan shook his head. “No. Phil, is this enough?” He lifted his hand and motioned between them.

It was the way Phil’s eyes remained closed for a few moments too long that ensured Dan knew that Phil also knew what he was really trying to say.

“It’s hard.” Phil said after a long pause, bringing his hands up to rub over his face. Dan nodded against Phil’s chest, trying to ignore the pangs in his chest.

Phil looked down at Dan and they studied each other. His gaze flitting across his face and Dan’s cheeks heated under the scrutiny.

“You’re here.” Phil finally spoke, his arm moving around Dan’s shoulder and pulling him in close. “It’s enough.”

Dan muffled the whimper that escaped against Phil’s chest, pulling his arms even tighter around his waist. It wasn’t enough. Every moment spent with Phil wore his resolve down little by little. It felt inevitable, Dan couldn’t imagine any version of his life that didn’t include Phil, and as time passed the more decayed and faded became the futures he saw with Anna.

He knew he had to decide.

Without saying a word, Dan pressed his lips against the soft cotton of Phil’s shirt before reaching over to place his hands above Phil’s on the laptop and pressing down to submit the form. It was a small step, but it was a step together.


	9. Those Three Little Words

The call surprised Dan whilst he was at work. Nearly three weeks had passed and he’d forgotten about the digital version of himself out there somewhere, a fusion of coloured lights and tinny sounds. He’d allowed himself to get swept up in his normal life again, the monotony of work and home was comforting and he wrapped them around him like a warm blanket. The caller was ‘Unknown’ and he frowned at the word as it flashed on his screen, offensive it its unashamed interruption to his day.

Dan knew that he had eight rings before the voicemail would pick up the call, he’d counted on numerous occasions before. There’d been a time, before the house, when he and Anna had split up and he’d spent a dark month in his bedroom at his mum’s house staring at her backlit name through the watery film of tears. Eight rings until voicemail. Eight obnoxiously loud tones accompanied by an incessant buzzing which would continue to drill through his head long after the chime indicating a new voicemail.

“Hello?” He answered, determined to let the caller know how unwanted their presence in his day was. Eight rings was normally enough time for Dan to decide whether to answer or not, weighing up the options. To answer was to choose to engage in conversation with someone. Gross.

“Good morning, am I speaking to Mr Howell?” The voice was loud, but pleasant, with a strong accent.

“Errr, yea.”

“Fantastic. My name is Sarah and I’m calling from Channel Four Studios. We received an audition video and your details were included as one of the participants of the video. This sounding familiar?” She giggled as she finished speaking, though Dan could barely hear it over the thudding of his heart.

“Errr, yea.” He said. Great, eloquent as always.

“Excellent,” she replied, “The producers have seen your video and they would like to invite you to the studios to record a pilot in person.” Dan’s heart started pounding now, the blood rushing in his ears made it difficult to hear. “It sounds much scarier than it actually is. It’s essentially the same as what you did for the audition tape, but in our studios.”

Dan interrupted. “I thought it was supposed to be filmed at home?”

Sarah let out a little noise. “Oh, It is. We just need to check that your reactions are genuine and not scripted, check your ID, and get the paperwork signed, that sort of thing.”

“Oh. Ok. I mean, I’m not sure, Phil is the one who…”

“Mr Lester?”

Dan made a noise in agreement.

“I have just spoken with Mr Lester too. We would like to invite you both to the studios. It’ll take two days, we’ll put you up in a hotel and reimburse you for your time. I’ll send you the details, and if you and Mr Lester still want to film for us, you can use the link in the emails to pick a date and we’ll get everything booked. How does that sound?”

“Yea, sounds ok.” Dan stammered out. He confirmed his email and hung up with a wavering farewell.

Groaning, he dropped his head into his arms, the dull thudding noise filling the room on impact. A flutter of nerves filled his stomach. They wanted to film him. In front of other people. The thought was overwhelming.

“What’s up, mate?” Dan felt a sharp pain on his forearm and looked up to see Mark grinning as he continued to jab him with the mangled end of his chewed pen.

“I think I may have just agreed to be on TV.”

Mark froze with a block of post it notes above his head, ready to throw them at Dan. “What?” His face scrunched up in confusion before he shrugged and Dan felt the heavy thump of the post its hitting his shoulder.

“Yea. For some video game show.” Dan explained what he knew of the show, running through terrifying audition scenarios in his head as he did so. Every scenario he imagined was more fantastical and intimidating than the last.

“I dunno, Dan, it sounds a bit shit to be honest.”

“I’m not sure I’d watch it. I mean, it might not even get made.” Dan huffed out a laugh as he started clicking away at the computer screen. “I think they pilot it first, anyway.”

“I can’t see it being popular to be honest. I feel like Gogglebox was a fluke. They’ll never reproduce that level of success with video games.”

Dan shrugged. “Probably not. Nothing gained, I suppose. If nothing else I get to spend a couple of days playing video games with Phil. And a free hotel for a night, who knows.”

“Phil? He the one you met a couple of months back when you were in London?” Mark said.

Dan bristled a little. Even the mention of Phil put him on edge and made him feel guilty. “Yea, he’s the one.” He felt his cheeks redden as he realised what he’d just said. “He’s, er, alright. It was his idea and it seemed like a good idea. He’s works for Channel Four but he didn’t seem all that convinced that they would think we were any good, anyway.”

“It’s like, the millennial dream isn’t it?” Mark said as he sprawled back on his chair, arms stretched out above his head, computer forgotten. “Like, getting famous on some reality TV show or YouTube or Twitter or something.”

Dan sighed and clicked out of the spreadsheet on his screen. When Mark got on to a subject it was impossible to ignore him and get any work done as he would just keep talking until he’d run out of things to say about it. Dan rolled his shoulders and tipped his head side to side, it was going to be a long work day.

That evening, Dan talked to Anna, filling her in on the gaming video and the invite to film the pilot. They sat beside each other on the settee, TV talking quietly to itself in the background and to Dan, it felt like a confession. Her presence was a comforting weight settling in his heart and he let his hands massage the balls of her feet as they rested on his lap.

She’d been, understandably, confused and annoyed. “It’s not that I don’t want you to do it, it’s an amazing opportunity. I just don’t understand why you didn’t say anything until now.” Her eyebrows furrowed over the rim of her mug as she took a sip of her tea.

“I dunno,” Dan said, “I honestly didn’t think anything would happen. Neither did Phil. I just thought it’d be this funny thing we did and then we’d never speak about it again. And then in fifty years’ time we’d be on a porch in some retirement home, playing Mario Kart, laughing about that time we thought we were going to be on TV.”

Anna shuffled a little, her brown eyes fixed on his, the creases on her forehead deepening. Dan let out a sigh, his hands moving up to rest on her calves, squeezing gently.

“I should have said something. It just didn’t feel like anything.” His cheeks flushed under the scrutiny.

“Yes,” she said. “You disappear off to London with Phil doing God knows what, and you talk to him all the time when you’re here. I just… I don’t know, are we alright?”

The question was a shock, and one that Dan honestly wasn’t sure he could answer. He’d been asking himself the same question every day since he met Phil, bouncing between feeling as though he owed it to himself and Anna to stop seeing Phil, and feeling as though the possibility of a life with Phil, whatever that looked like, was an opportunity he just couldn’t let slip through his fingers.

Tears were glistening in her eyes and Dan felt that now familiar guilt wash over him.

He placed his fingers around her wrist and gently pulled her towards him. She placed her mug down on the floor and followed him, turning and cuddling into his side, arms tight around his waist.

“We’re alright, Anna.” He placed a kiss to the top of her head run his fingers down her side. “I know it’s no secret to you… but I’m kind of a loser. “He grins against the soft hair under his lips and inhaled deeply. “Phil’s a new friend, one who’s as much of a nerd as me. I’m just excited and distracted by the newness of it. I’m sorry, though, I promise to be better.”

Anna tilted her head to look up at him. “Dan, I don’t want to stop you having new friends, dear God I don’t want that at all. You need all the friends you can get, after all.” The end of her sentence was cut off by a squeal as Dan started jabbing his fingers into her side snorting with indignation.

She finally twisted away from his attacking digits and pulled her legs up under herself, her lips meeting Dan’s.

He returned her kiss, breathing in the fruity scent of her perfume and lettings his fingers slip under the hem of her shirt to tap a rhythm against her hip. As they parted, turning to watch the television, Dan breathed deeply. The constant, tumultuous feelings of uncertainty were having a profound effect on him and, and, despite what he’d just said to Anna, it didn’t feel fine.

He was drifting on a calm ocean, the surface unrippled by his presence, like a mirror, reflecting the endless sky, from horizon to horizon. The sky was cloudy, but bright. Dan could cope, he wanted to stay here, at ease floating in his safe space, watching as the clouds slowly passed above him. Besides, towards the horizon the sky is clear, a beautiful, bright and warming heat urging him to endure the grey. A perfect, vibrantly blue sky was coming and Dan couldn’t help but notice that it was the exact shade of Phil’s eyes.

*~*~*

Dan and Phil had booked their recording slot the next day and Dan was feeling more confident and comfortable now that Anna knew all about it. He’d confirmed the hotel arrangements with Anna by his side and Phil at the end of the phone. The studios were only a short distance from Phil’s flat, but a free hotel is a free hotel, and Dan was starting to learn that Phil became enormously excited by the prospect of something for nothing.

By the time the day rolled around the guilt and panic were almost completely gone and replaced by the thrum of excitement. The hotel was booked, their attendance confirmed and Dan was meeting Phil at the hotel in time for check in.

It was chilly and Dan had layered his coat over his hoodie and was rushing through the damp November streets of London. His overnight bag dug into his shoulder and his phone was a familiar weight in his pocket. He was running late, nearly forty minutes late. They were expected at the studios by half eleven and he’d planned on having time to get ready at the hotel.

He’d sent a quick text to Phil as he left the train, already behind, and had then shoved his phone into his pocket and set off at a brisk pace. On reaching the hotel entrance, Dan was red, sweaty under all of his layers, and panting heavily. He walked through the automatic doors and stopped for a moment, fumbling in his pocket searching for his phone and trying to catch his breath.

“Dan!”

He heard his name echo around the tiled room and turned to see Phil striding towards him, all long legs and glinting eyes. Dan couldn’t help but return the smile, not caring who saw how happy the mere presence of Phil could make him feel. It could still make his breath catch in his throat and his heart start beating faster. It still felt new and exciting, despite the conversations they shared every night.

Dan stepped forward and placed himself close against Phil’s chest as he felt arms close tightly around him. “Hey,” he breathed quietly, voice muffled against the warm skin of Phil’s neck. Dan wrapped his arms around Phil’s waist, fingers running lightly up and down the soft material of his shirt.

They stayed close for a few moments, Phil’s breath hot and moist against Dan’s neck, as warm and comforting as a log fire on a particularly cold night. Phil’s head shifted a little and his lips pressed against the soft skin of his neck. The action felt intimate and loving, and Dan released a breath he didn’t realise he was holding.

“I missed you.” Phil whispered. The embrace felt special, like something to be cherished, and Dan was quickly starting to associate it with Phil. It was their thing, their way of saying “I miss you”, “I don’t want to go”, and “I’m glad you’re here” all in one. The time between made it feel even more extraordinary and like worship.

They pulled apart reluctantly, and Dan could feel his eyes were watery, could see the shimmering haze around the edges of his vision and there, in the centre, was Phil.

“I missed you too.” Dan whispered, afraid that if he spoke too loudly, he’d shatter the bubble around them and lose the feeling of Phil against him.

Phil’s grinned even wider, placing his hands against Dan’s cheeks, thumbs pressing against his lips. Dan doesn’t move. He stays looking into Phil’s eyes, swimming in the ocean of them for as long as Phil will let him. Eventually, Dan blinked and broke the connection between them.

“Come on.” Phil’s hand drops and his fingers interlace with Dan’s, pulling him along and though the hotel towards the lift. 

Upstairs, Dan could still feel the ghost of Phil’s hand in his and was struggling to concentrate on anything else, vaguely aware than Phil was talking to him.

“And we’ll need to leave in probably ten minutes or so. Is that ok?” Dan shook his head to clear the white noise from his mind. “Ten minutes.” He said slowly.

“Yea.” It wasn’t a question, but Phil answered anyway.

Now that they were alone again, Dan was able to get a good look at Phil. He looked much the same as every other time Dan had seen him. He was sat on one of the twin beds, it turned out the studio hospitality only stretched to one room, his legs crossed underneath him. Phil was wearing black jeans and a black, long sleeved t-shirt, and Dan was distracted by how particularly delectable he looked in it. For all he seemed to enjoy colour and pattern, black really brought out a certain ethereal beauty in his skin and his smile that made a heat burn in Dan’s groin.

Dan nodded his head and started moving, throwing his bag onto the nearest bed. The twin room was airy, but quite small. He supposed it was typical of all hotels in the capital, trying to squeeze as much profit into the space as possible. “I think so,” he mumbled as he rummaged through his bag with one hand, and started pulling layers of clothing off with the other. He didn’t have time to shower, but damned if he wasn’t going to change his top and at least wash the layer of city pollution from his face.

Dan was returning from the adjoining bathroom, face feeling fresh and cool and the scent of freshly applied deodorant in the air when he became acutely aware of Phil’s gaze. An attractive blush dusted his cheeks and his bottom lip was caught between his teeth. Dan stopped, t-shirt in his hand and the chill of the hotel room caused goose bumps to tickle the skin of his bare chest.

Phil’s gaze scorched a trail across Dan’s stomach, up his chest, pausing to linger on the sensitive juncture where his collarbone meets the bottom of his neck. It was heated and intense, feeling almost physical, and made Dan’s fingers tingle and his head feel woozy. He sucked in a breath, suddenly aware that he was feeling faint, and the tingle was from a lack of oxygen.

The movement caused Phil to jump very slightly, a minute motion which Dan was only aware of because he had been so intently watching Phil back. His eyes flicked up to meet Dan’s and suddenly the air was dense and thick like treacle. It pressed around him and drifts across his chest like fingers. There’s heat in his gut, and Dan’s actively fighting the urge to step towards Phil and turn the feeling into something tangible.

A trill of a siren filled the room and they both jumped, startled. Phil took a deep breath, the air rushing out in a breathy laugh.

“I wa-“ Dan cuts himself off when he realised he doesn’t know how to finish that sentence, the urge to fill the silence overwhelming him.

Moments passed and Dan still didn’t know what to say. He shook his head minutely in response to Phil’s raised eyebrow, and pulled the t-shirt over his head. He finished getting dressed, determined not to look at Phil. He’s mostly successful, only catching snippets of his long, pale fingers drumming a tune into his own thighs, as he waits for Dan to finish getting dressed.

By the time Dan’s ready, Phil has moved and is leaning on the wall by the door, the floorboards creaking loudly underneath him as he shifts on the balls of his feet, head turned down to the phone in his hands. Dan slips his own phone into the back pocket of his jeans, shoves his hands into the deep pockets of his coat and nudges his shoulder into Phil’s.

“I’m ready,” he says quietly.

Phil returns his smile and leads them out the door and towards the tube. It amazes Dan that his presence can make Phil’s face turn up in such a beautiful smile.

It’s crowded and hot on the train, the whoosh of the humid air being pushed onto the platform by the oncoming train is a blessed reprieve from the parched, dusty heat. On the train they stand close, thick coats pressed together and heads bowed deep in conversation.

Dan is rambling, he knows, the nerves starting to build as they get closer and closer to the studio. Phil on the other hand, seems his usual self, talking animatedly, bouncing from one subject to the next with ease and Dan is grateful for the constant distraction.

They arrive, blessedly, fifteen minutes early and they manage to take a few minutes to catch their breath before they sign in at the Reception desk. Phil had rest his hand on Dan’s arm out on the street and asked him whether he was ok. Phil being his usual selfless self and checking on Dan made him warm all over.

Whilst their first meeting had been fuelled by instinct and lust, Dan knew that he now cared deeply for Phil. He thought about Phil every day, wondered what he was doing and whether he was thinking about Dan too. He sent texts and pictures of things he knew would brighten Phil’s day and make him smile, even if he wasn’t around to witness it.

He felt jealous of the people who saw Phil every day. An unknown army of people who had the privilege of listening to the stories and jokes which were the product of his brilliant, creative mind. A sea of faces being graced by Phil’s smile as it lit any room he was in. Mostly, Dan was jealous of the thought that any one of the people Phil passed every day might catch his attention.

His stomach churned at the thought of Phil’s soft fingers tracing the patterns of another’s skin. His heart stuttered every time Phil mentioned someone Dan didn’t know, terrified that he was about to profess them as his new found love. His stomach twisted whenever he remembered the girl, Claire, from the night they met, and how she said his name and looked at Phil through her fluttering lashes, distraught at the thought that she could be whispering sweet nothings into his ear every day at work. In a world and a circle friends that Dan didn’t belong.

It made Dan feel particularly elated when moments such as this would happen. When Phil would turn to him, place himself in Dan’s space and be so obviously absorbed by being near Dan. Dan smiled and looked up at Phil. “Yea,” he said, fingers reaching up and feeling the shape of Phil’s hip under his layers of clothing, “definitely okay.”

Inside the building and with a visitors badge hanging from a black lanyard, Dan trailed behind Phil and Sarah as they were led through a maze of corridors. Sarah had come to greet them at reception, straight backed and professional. Dan had noticed the moment she had recognised the staff lanyard Phil had around his neck as her shoulders dropped a little and she looked immediately much friendlier and less imposing. She introduced herself with a firm handshake, and then set off quickly further into the building, falling easily into conversation with Phil about which department he worked in.

What felt like miles later, they stopped outside a large black door with ‘Studio 11’ painted in white capital letters. Dan had been distracted by the hustle and bustle of a workplace filled with people on a weekend, so unlike his nine to five experience, that he really had no idea where he was, and was certain he would not be able to find his way out again. Once he’d nipped in to his office on a Saturday to pick up a phone charger he’d left at his desk, and was creeped out by how eerily quiet and deserted the place looked in comparison to this.

Sarah turned to face them both, but seemed to be addressing Dan. “So, there’s a lot of people in the next room. Don’t worry about them, they’re not focusing on you. They’re there to check the equipment is recording and working as it’s supposed to. Not to comment on what you are both doing.” Her voice echoed in the empty corridor, bouncing off the tiled floors and high ceilings.

“Okay.” Dan nodded his head and glanced at Phil who was doing the same.

She pushed against the large black door and a hum of noise and voices seeped out. They followed her into the room, one wall filled with monitors showing various views of what looked like a living room pulled straight from the pages of an Ikea catalogue.

It wasn’t a large room, probably the size of Dan’s kitchen, but the people and bulky equipment made it feel even smaller. Men and women were sat at tables covered in buttons and dials and talking over each other into headsets. The whir and drone of large machinery and monitors was a constant background noise which he imagined the people working here didn’t even hear any more.

They were led through the room without introduction, and none of the staff bared them a glance as they passed through another door and into the room Dan had just seen from the monitors. It was warm and filled with ornaments and accessories in an attempt to make it feel like a home. The grey sofa looked plush and comfortable, patterned cushions resting against the back. It was a two seater sofa, but was larger than any two-seater Dan had ever owned before.

Sarah motioned for them to sit, and Dan sat gingerly beside Phil, trying to take in the room as he did so. She perched on a tall coffee table opposite them, and Dan noticed the large flat screen TV and games console on the unit behind them. A large black camera was set up to the right of the TV and a red light blinked repeatedly on top. Above the TV was another camera, the tripod set up behind the screen and Dan could see the mess of wires snaking along the edge of room and through the wall. Dan thought about the monitors and people in the other room and started to sweat a little, suddenly feeling self-conscious.

A warm weight settled on his leg giving a quick squeeze. He turned to meet Phil’s eyes and returned his careful smile. ‘I’m alright,’ he tried to convey without actually saying the words. Phil appeared to understand and let his hand drift onto his own lap as Sarah started explaining the plans for the day.

“The cameras in this room are the set up that we would have in your house. This camera is static and should capture the both of you no matter where you sit on the sofa. This camera here,” she pointed over her should to the larger camera behind the TV, “rotates and is mainly used for close ups.”

“Close ups?” Dan squeaked, eyes widening.

“Reaction shots, things like that. It adds a bit of variety to the show. Makes the audience feel more involved.”

Dan nodded, although he wasn’t really following. He hadn’t even considered that there would be times when they would want to zoom in on his face, study his reactions and display them on screens across the country.

“We’re filming quite a few groups of people and we’ll be editing the results over the next two weeks although there are no guarantees that you’ll be in the final product. The results will be a two episode pilot which will air over a Friday and Saturday in December, the fourteenth and fifteenth, I believe, as part of our Generation X theme for the month of December.” She rifled through the bundle of papers on her lap. “Depending on feedback and viewing figures, we’ll be looking to pick the show up and run with an extended series, and even if you’re not in the pilot, you may still be asked back to record for the series.”

Dan nodded, trying to take in all the information. He hoped Phil was paying attention to all she was saying as he felt entirely out of his depth.

As if hearing Dan’s thoughts, Phil asked, “What’s the recording schedule if a full series is commissioned?”

“Because of the number of different groups we’ll be recording and the quick turnaround we want from recording to airing, we’ll be needing all groups to record at least four hours of footage each week, for twelve weeks. The equipment will be set up in your home throughout the twelve weeks and we’ll agree a recording schedule so that our team are set up in another room of the house, or if necessary in a van outside.”

Dan frowned, he had no idea if he could commit to four hours a week. The impact that twelve weeks of travelling to London and back would have on his bank balance made him physically flinch.

Sarah caught the movement and looked between them both. “Would that be a problem for you both?”

Frighteningly attuned to Dan already, Phil knew exactly what Dan was thinking. “Dan lives in Kent and I live here in London.”

“Do you work nearby, Dan? Could you stay with Phil a bit?” She said.

“For twelve weeks?” Dan asked, sceptically.

Phil let out a laugh, “I don’t know if Dan’s girlfriend would like it if he moved in with me for three months for the sake of four hours filming a week.”

Sarah’s eyebrows creased in confusion. “Oh,” she stuttered, “I thought that- I didn’t realise you-“ She blustered and started reshuffling the papers on her lap. “Well we can record today, and if the series goes ahead and the producers want you, we can have a discussion then about arrangements.”

Dan could feel his skin had heated and was sure a flush of scarlet was visible on his cheeks. She’d assumed he and Phil were together, as a couple. Had seen the way they looked at each other, the way that Phil’s hand had rested on his knee and the way that Dan looked to Phil for reassurance and support; she had seen all of those things and added them together in her mind and concluded that they were in love. What Dan found most frightening was how pleased her misunderstanding made him.

The rest of the meeting passed in a haze and by the time he found himself watching the back of Sarah’s heels disappear through the door leaving Phil and himself alone in the room, he realised he couldn’t remember any of the conversation they’d just had. He really hope Phil was paying attention.

He turned to Phil, who was looking at him intently, face close. They were nose to nose and Phil’s every exhale tickled across Dan’s cheeks.

“Still good?” Phil said quietly.

“I think so,” Dan replied, equally as quiet. “I… er… I wasn’t listening much though.”

Phil laughed. “I could tell. You were sort of in your own little world for a bit there.”

“Sorry-“ Dan started to apologise.

“Hey, don’t worry. I agreed to everything for us both.” Phil smirked and leant back against the sofa, placing a controller into Dan’s hand. “We’re playing Crash Bandicoot today for the next three hours or so and tomorrow we need to come back and do the promos. You’re cool with full frontal nudity, right?”

Dan hmmed an affirmative, completely distracted by Phil’s hand which had come to rest on his thigh again, gently patting. Dan’s breath hitched and he became confused by the way Phil’s eyes were watering with his struggle to hold back laughter.

“Wait, what nudity?”

Phil doubled over in laughter, cut short but loud squeals as Dan started to throw gentle punches over every part of Phil he could reach. Well, that does it. Phil’s going down.

Three hours later, Dan’s cheeks were hurting from laughter and his voice was starting to feel a little strained. They’d played a few levels of Crash Bandicoot, taking it in turn to reminisce and tell stories about their experiences playing the game. Dan found that with Phil by his side, he very quickly forgot that there were cameras in the room at all, and was often having hand the controlled back over to Phil as he’d lost a life watching him animatedly telling a story instead of playing the level.

Phil was quick witted and his stories and humour were filled with a wonder and surreal imagery that filled Dan with awe. He seemed determined to distract Dan during his go by being extra flirty and tactile, his shoulder often knocking into Dan’s just as he about to make a particularly difficult jump.

Dan felt he really excelled himself during the hidden extra hard level they played at the end. At one point his own ears rung with the volume of his screech and when Crash finally landed on the orange glowing platform marking the completion of the level, Dan felt a wave of euphoria wash over him and he couldn’t help but throw his arms around Phil as he bounced around the chair, mimicking the cheer of a crowd as he did so. They pull apart and glance away from each other, awkwardly, when the door opens beside them.

Sarah enters smiling and clapping her hands together. “Excellent, excellent. That was really great, I think we have some good footage.”

Adrenaline is surging through Dan’s veins now, and he feels both absolutely knackered and completely buzzed.

Phil looks up towards Sarah, “that’s good,” he says.

Dan nods with him, head still bowed a little.

“So you’re all done for today. We’re going to start work on cutting out the good stuff from all of that footage and tomorrow we’ll have a very, very rough cut of some of the better reactions and we can show you some of the clips we may use. We’ll also need to get some promos.”

Sarah motions for them both to stand, which Phil does, Dan copying the movement and with alarming swiftness, they were led from the building and were quickly on the darkened, winter street.

Dan feels the chill immediately and the bitter cold permeates through his jeans and makes him tense. Moments pass where they both just stand looking out to the night sky, the glare of headlights and bustle of evening shoppers around them. He felt a little unsure now that they had finished and no plans for what to do with the rest of the evening. They could go for dinner, but was that too intimate? They could go back to the hotel, but that definitely felt too intimate.

Sneaking a glance sideways, Dan met Phil’s eye as he attempted to do the same. A small smirk quirked Phil’s lips and before they knew it, they were laughing, their breath swirling around them as they guffawed.

“Dinner?” Dan asked, his stomach rumbling its agreement. Phil had this way of making him feel less nervous. Little smiles and choice words which seemed to calm and pull him from his own mind when he needed it most. Phil was still here, at Dan’s side, through all of Dan’s uncertainties, the appalling way he’d been leading Phil on and the way he’d been treating Anna. Phil knew all of this, and yet, he was still there, a warming presence, forever seeing the better person inside of him. Dan was eternally grateful for Phil and decided that he was going to be better. For Phil.

*~*~*

They walked through the streets, passing brightly lit shopfronts and weaving through the crowds in search of a restaurant that Phil had insisted they must visit. They arrived a surprisingly short time later, and Phil pulled open a dark, rustic door for Dan.

Inside, the restaurant was dim and softly lit by orange lamps and candles on each table. It was warm and filled with the quiet hum of conversation as a smartly dressed waiter walked over to them.

He led them over to a booth surrounded by lush, dark green plants and distressed, brown leather benches. He introduced himself as Julien, and handed them both a leather bound menu.

“Would you like any drinks?” he asked. Dan assumed the waiting staff were encouraged to speak in the hushed calming tones so as not to interrupt the ambience of the room.

Phil grinned and flicked to the back of the menu. “We’ll have two of these, please.” He pointed towards something on the menu, shielding his choice from Dan’s eyes as Julien nodded at the choice and left. Dan quirked an eyebrow, which Phil responded to with a grin, all white teeth and pink tongue.

“Ordering for me?” Dan raised his other eyebrow.

“Looks like it.” Phil replied nonchalantly, opening his menu and looking over the options.

“I see.” Dan replied feigning indifference, “And will you be feeding me as well?”

“Only dessert,” Phil said suggestively, attempting a wink as he did so.

Dan snorted and Phil laughed warmly. They were sat opposite each other, and although the booth was meant to seat four, they were surprisingly close, their feet resting between the others’ under the table. The subdued lighting drew shadows over Phil’s face, and Dan wondered how it was possible that Phil could look even more beautiful.

“Can you believe how quickly the last four months have gone?” Phil asked, placing his menu down.

“I know.” Dan replied. “It feels like forever.”

“Forever?” Phil placed his hand over his heart in mock offence. “And here I thought we were friends.”

“Who’s been telling you these gross lies? I actually hate you.”

“What!” Phil squeaked. “Well at least I know of someone who doesn’t hate me.”

Dan stopped laughing. This was it, this was the moment when Phil was going to make a grand announcement of his new found love. He wondered whether there was a Chris Hemsworth lookalike out there somewhere gazing at a picture of Phil they’d lovingly promoted to their phone wallpaper.

“Who?” Dan whispered with trepidation in his heart.

Phil looked serious, drawing the moment out before letting a smile slip and attempting another wink which ended up as an exaggerated blink.

“Your mum.” He barely gets the words out through the snort which follows them.

Relief washed through Dan tinged only slightly by embarrassment at how obvious he felt he’d been. “Fuck off.” He mumbled ducking down behind his menu.

He’s there for a few moments before he felt the menu being pulled away and looked up to see long, pale fingers splayed over the edges as Phil gently placed the menu away on the other side of the table. His eyes were bright and reflected the flickering of the candle on the table between them. He’d leant forward, resting on his elbows and had drawn his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Seriously, though, I’m really glad we met.” He says sincerely.

Dan feels the air change between them at Phil’s words, becoming charged and thick around them. Dan’s heart starts beating faster in his chest a heat building slowly low in his belly. Dan carries on the conversation in the same quiet breathy voice that Phil was using. “I don’t know if you can what we did meeting.”

“No?” Phil blinked slowly.

“No.” Dan was enjoying the flutter of excitement in his stomach. “Accosted, maybe.”

Phil laughed quietly, “An unwanted sexual advance, even?”

Dan dropped his gaze, before replying so quietly he wasn’t sure if he’d even said the words out loud. “No. Not unwanted.”

The quiet stretched between them and Dan studied Phil’s hands rested on the table between them. “No?” Dan heard him say.

Dan looked up and into Phil’s eyes. It felt as though nothing could touch them. That they were protected from the world by the cloak of darkness around them. Right here, right now, Dan felt brave and alive. In this moment it seemed impossible that he could ever contemplate a life without Phil.

Taking a deep breath, Dan reached out and, hesitating only briefly, placed his hand over Phil’s. Phil’s skin was hot and soft to the touch. Nerves were spiking through him as he watched his eyes open wide.

Phil was studying the sweet chocolate brown of Dan’s eyes. He held his breath, afraid of breaking the moment. He turned his hand over and linked their fingers together tentatively.

“Definitely not.” Dan said.

Their drinks arrived shortly after, and they placed their food order, Dan rolling his eyes as the violently blue drinks Phil had ordered on their behalf. It was sweet and fruity and fulfilled every expectation he had about Phil’s taste in drinks.

The evening passed with gentle touches and softly spoken words, every action feeling as though it was leading to something. Dan’s heart was so full of want he wondered how there was room left to breathe. A surreal quality hung over the evening, Phil looked captivating, the food was divine and Dan felt… he felt good. Better than good, in fact, he felt loved. And loving. Every pore in his body, every beat of his heart and every word he spoke felt like shouting his love for Phil for all to hear.

“This might be the most fun I’ve ever had.” Dan whispered as the waiters were clearing tables around them. Phil had hold of the fingers of Dan’s hand and was rubbing circles over the soft skin, massaging his fingers as they spoke.

“I’m glad.” Phil replied. They’d not moved for a while, leaning across the table and staring into each other’s eyes as they revealed secrets to each other in hushed tones.

“If we’re in the show when it’s on TV, do you think people will assume we’re together?” Dan asked, glancing down briefly to where Phil’s hands had started a slow massage up his hand and towards his wrist.

Phil glanced down as well, following Dan’s gaze. “Probably some will. Did Sarah assuming make you uncomfortable?”

Phil started to move his hands, twitching as though going to pull away and Dan panicked.

“No.” he said loudly, the words and his breath coming out in a rush. His other hand moved to rest on top of Phil’s and he took both hands and brought them gently to his lips.

“No,” he repeats. “It didn’t make me uncomfortable. It made me…” Dan frowned slightly, trying to think of a word which could possibly describe everything he was feeling and becoming frustrated that nothing fit. “Happy. It made me really happy.”

Dan saw Phil’s sharp intake of breath at his words. “It made me want it.” He felt suddenly brave, giving voice to the words he’d kept hidden inside himself for months felt akin to slaying a dragon, and Dan felt suddenly like he had the strength to do it all.

“Want it?” Phil’s voice was barely a whisper. As if Dan’s bravery was sucking the confidence from his body.

“Yes.” Dan’s hands dropped Phil’s and he leant forward and placed his hands on either side of Phil’s face. “I want the life that Sarah thought we had. I want the life that people who watch on TV will assume we have.”

He moved his thumbs to press against Phil’s bottom lip, his eyes flicking between where they touched and his eyes. The words were about to bubble up over his lips and out into the world. Three words fighting up from his chest, desperate to be spoken and yearning to be heard.

“Phil,” Dan said reverently, closing his eyes before forcing them open and determinately looking at him, seeing the way he was looking at Dan gave him the strength to say those three words.

“I want us."


	10. See, He Tastes Like You Only Sweeter

The words had burst from him like a firework, igniting every nerve ending in his body and Dan could hear nothing but the pounding of his heart in his ears. In front of him, Phil’s eyes widened, his pupils almost completely black, and a gasp escaped from between his lips. The lights glistened and reflected in Phil’s eyes and Dan was sure that he could see the watery sheen of tears threatening to fall.

Moments turned to seconds turned to minutes, and neither of them spoke. The silence stretching on. Phil looked as though he was trying to work something out, his forehead creased and his eyes searching. The deafening drumming of his heart in his ears was becoming unbearable and his arms were beginning to ache with the pressure of holding them so still against Phil’s cheeks.

Dan dropped his hands, the silence was oppressive now, and Phil still hadn’t said anything. He placed his hands on his lap and leant back, closing his eyes against Phil’s beauty, afraid of his silence. When he finally heard a low voice whispering, his eyes flew open to meet Phil’s and he tumbled into the deepest blue ocean full of promises and snapshots of a life together.

“I want us, too.”

*~*~*

They’d held hands as they walked from the restaurant to their hotel and slipped into their respective beds. They left the curtains open and the moonlight shone across their faces as they snuggled under the duvets and watched each other across the expanse of carpet between them.

Nothing had changed but everything had changed. His confession didn’t erase the years of his life with Anna and how desperately scared he was of hurting her. He knew that untangling the threads of the tapestry they had woven together over the last few years would take time and patience. His words had been a promise that, to Phil as much as to himself, he was going to start unravelling his threads from Anna’s, tend to them and take stock of them, before weaving them with Phil’s into something new, beautiful and worthy of what they felt together.

In the darkness of the hotel room that night, they’d discussed what they wanted in hushed voices, confessions of not wanting to hurt Anna, and promises of doing things right this time led to agreements to wait until Dan had told Anna. They shared light touches and whispered possibilities to each other in secret, made all the more exciting for being full of the promise of a future full of so much more.

They went to the second day of filming and posed for the still shots which would be used in the marketing. They were allowed into the room adjoining the studio to view a rough cut of their footage, and Dan’s cheeks coloured when one of the technicians mentioned that their censor button had never had so much use. Phil laughed jovially and sidled up to Dan, nudging him with his elbow as said bleeping made itself known.

The footage was, although he was a little afraid to admit it, good. They looked fantastic together on the screen and were able to mix banter with whimsy and enough movement that they didn’t appear boring.

Watching the clips, he noticed things he wasn’t aware of during the filming. It occurred to him how often he looked at Phil whilst listening to him speak. Phil would be concentrating on the game, his face slightly upturned and focused on a point just below the camera, and Dan would just turn and watch him; barely blinking, barely even breathing. Just intently watching him as if committing him to memory.

Watching the footage also showed just how much Phil liked to touch Dan. Little boops to his nose, nudges of his shoulder, and knocks of his knee were all caught on film and displayed for all to see. To see their affection so obviously on show made Dan feel both terrified and exhilarated. They finished with an ominous signature and an awkward goodbye, and Dan and Phil were officially on the countdown. Only two weeks to go until their faces were broadcast across the country.

*~*~*

The weeks following his confession passed in a blur. Back at home, the reality of what he was planning to do was a terrifying weight on his shoulders. He bounced between moments of absolute certainty that the decision he was making was right and insecure panic at the thought that he may be about to make the biggest mistake of his life.

When not at work, his evenings were spent stretched out on the sofa texting Phil and his nights were spent staring into the darkness trying to think of the words he could say to Anna which would explain… everything, or even anything.

By the time he met up with Phil again three weeks later, Dan was no closer to telling Anna. Every time he opened his mouth to say the words, his throat would constrict, his palms became sweaty and the words would choke him of the air he needed to say them.

It was the weekend before the show aired and Dan and Phil had discovered that they wouldn’t be able to watch it together. They both had work the following day and the evening journey to either of their houses just seemed too much of an inconvenience to justify considering how short the show would be.

They’d been sent confirmation that some of their footage had been included in the final cut only the previous day and the knowledge that in a few days hundreds of thousands of people would be seeing his face broadcast into their own homes filled Dan with nervous anticipation and a sense of foreboding which he was struggling to hide as he stood before Phil’s door, knuckles hovering above the painted wood he had just knocked on.

The door opened, revealing Phil like a prize on a gameshow.

“Hey, you.” Phil drew Dan into his arms and Dan inhaled deeply and snuggled closer, sighing as he felt Phil’s lips press against the side of his neck. The action made heat prickle down Dan’s spine and he pressed his hands flat against Phil’s back.

“Hey.” Dan breathed against Phil’s skin.

Phil chuckled and squeezed Dan against him, pulling him into the apartment and pushing the door closed behind them. “So, Mr Howell, what brings you to my humble abode?” Phil grinned as he headed to the kitchen and turned on the kettle, stretching to reach mugs and instant hot chocolate powder from the cupboard.

Dan leaned back against another unit and studied the long line of Phil’s back and the curve of his arse as he stretched and moved around. The domesticity of being there, in the same space as Phil washed over him and he was again aware of that feeling of never wanting to leave.

“I’ve, uh,” Dan stuttered as Phil turned and handed him a white mug with black cat whiskers on the front, steam curling around the marshmallows melting in the froth. Phil didn’t move away, just stood looking up slightly into his chocolate brown eyes, waiting.

“I miss this, er, and I… I miss you.” His words were breathy and rushed, hanging heavy and significant between them.

Phil smiled at his words. “I know, Dan,” he whispered back just as quietly. His gaze dropped to Dan’s lips and he moved forward, moving at the last moment to press his lips gently against Dan’s neck. The spot was quickly becoming the most sensitive part of his body, and it seemed as if Phil was claiming it as his own also.

Dan sighed as they parted and followed to join Phil on the sofa. He tucked his legs up under Phil’s between them as he unpaused the show he’d been watching before Dan arrived. He recognised the scene as American Horror Story immediately and settled back to finish his hot chocolate.

The episode passed in comfortable quiet, broken by the occasional commentary from them both. Phil was very obviously interested in the production, sound design and theory behind each scene and often Dan would find himself marvelling as he passed comment about the particular way a scene jumped between camera angles to heighten the sense of panic.

By the middle of the next episode, Dan was no longer paying attention to the screen at all. He’d turned, back against the arm of the chair, toes wiggled under Phil’s thigh and was watching Phil’s profile entranced.

“I wish this was how we had started.” That the thought came out as words was as much of a shock to him as they seemed to be to Phil. He’d turned a questioning look over his shoulder and the hand that had started gently rubbing circles into his shin stopped abruptly.

“I mean, like spending time together watching TV, talking and learning about each other. I feel like we’re doing things back to front.” Dan’s voice started to waver as he spoke, worried about the words that were working their way up from his chest to his throat.

Phil blinked slowly, before turning the TV off and turning to mirror the way Dan was sat, their long legs tangled together between them. Phil placed his empty mug on the floor and reached over to take Dan’s, placing it beside his own.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked.

“I hate that we started with a hand job in some gross toilets. It doesn’t feel enough, you know?”

Phil’s laugh was loud and surprising. He run a hand through his hair. “I think technically we started with my drunken kiss to your neck.” He said with false charm.

Dan didn’t smile in return, just continued to look at Phil. “I suppose.”

Phil sat up straighter. He wiggled his legs around until they were laid flat across the sofa and Dan was between his feet. He’d gently picked up one of Dan’s socked feet and clasped his hands around it, his fingers kneading. “Dan? What’s wrong?”

Dan shook his head and tried to pull his foot back but Phil held on tightly. “Nothing,” he huffed, wincing at the look of hurt that flicked across Phil’s face. “I’m just… I’m just annoyed at myself.”

Phil looked tentative. “Why?”

Dan almost swore aloud. Damn Phil and his need to help others. “I don’t know. It’s nothing. Or it’s everything.” His fists balled in frustration. “I’m annoyed that I haven’t done it yet. Haven’t told Anna, I mean. It’s just fucking words. I keep going to say them and every time I do I just… fucking cant. The words get stuck and it’s like it doesn’t make sense anymore.” He screwed his eyes closed, willing away the stinging of the tears he could feel threatening to form.

Phil’s hands stopped moving across his foot then, causing Dan to open his eyes. “You don’t have to say them, Dan.” He looked indifferent, but Dan could see the grey light from the window behind him reflected his wide eyes, and they looked so sad. “If it’s not what you want, you don’t have to say anything. We could just be friends.” Phil’s voice goes quiet, despite his attempts to seem unfazed.

Dan’s eyebrow quirked up. “Could we?”

Phil doesn’t answer, so Dan continues.

“I don’t want to ‘just be friends’. I just keep thinking about her and saying the words. And then I think about how the first night we met was me cheating on her in some grimy cubicle and what everyone will say about that. About me. About us. Like how could I do that? They all think that I love her and I do…”

“Of course you do.” Phil said into the quiet when Dan seemed to have gotten lost in his thoughts, studying Phil like he had the answers he sought.

A few minutes passed with only silence and the sounds of traffic the street below filling the space between them.

“I worked so hard at loving her.” Dan eventually whispered. “I moved to a house in the countryside, I hate being outside! I got a desk job, I hate being in an office! I did all of these things because it was what she deserved for being with me. I didn’t love her. Not at the beginning. It was what I was supposed to do. Copy all my friends and find someone willing to spend their time with me and get a house and a job. Try to be happy. I tried. Every day. And one day I woke up and I loved her.” Dan felt wretched. “How can what we have compare to all of that? To us?”

Their eyes met and Dan felt the air between them thick with sorrow. Weeks of trying to find the words and months of trying to rationalise the guilt had built up to this moment between them now. He felt as if he never knew what was going to happen or what he was going to day. His carefully considered manner being thrown to the wind. He breathed, almost sighed, as he felt more words bubbling up his throat, desperate to be heard.

“You burst into my life and upended it.” Still they looked at each other. “A drunken fucking kiss on my neck, a couple of minutes in a bathroom stall and suddenly you’re all I can think about.” Dan moved until he was sitting cross-legged, he leant slightly towards Phil as if his body couldn’t help but gravitate towards him. The corner of his mouth quirked slightly as he watched Phil mirror his position. “With your fucking eyes and your smile and the way you always call or text me whenever I need you to, and these fucking odd socks.” Dan moved as if to wrap his hands around Phil’s feet, but instead rested them on Phil’s knees. “Like you somehow know. You’ve helped me do something which is terrifying and now next week we’re going to be on TV, in front of hundreds of thousands of people. But I’m not scared, because you’re there too.”

Dan felt so young listening to the weight of the words he had just said, compelled to have Phil hear them. “It doesn’t compare, Phil. It’s new and so scary, because I haven’t tried to love you. I just know I do.”

Phil’s smile was blinding. Radiating out from his every pore and washing over Dan like the clear blue warmth of a Caribbean wave. He felt a little shy under the strength of all the emotion between them. As Phil’s hands moved to rest over Dan’s twining their fingers together, the breath he released was half giggle and half relief. “Sorry,” he said quietly, but a little cheerfully as he squeezed Phil’s fingers between his own, “That was so fucking cheesy.”

Phil threw his head back as he laughed fondly. “It really was.”

He quietened as Dan knocked into his knee admonishingly, and pulled Dan’s hands into his own between them, rubbing his thumbs across the soft skin. “Dan. I love you too.”

Dan sucked in a breath at Phil’s declaration and couldn’t stop the grin that spread across his face. This moment between them so huge and significant, but also protected and personal, as if there was a box around them, holding in everything. He couldn’t help himself as he leaned forward and placed his lips against Phil’s gently, their foreheads resting against one another.

Dan could feel lips brushing against his own as he spoke quietly. “People won’t understand. They’ll be constantly comparing what they think me and Anna have…”

“Dan, that night isn’t the start of our story.” Phil interrupted and moved apart so he could look into Dan’s eyes.

“But it-“

“Our story starts wherever we want it to. All of this is just… context. It’s setting the scene for our story. People don’t have to understand it yet. They will, but even if they don’t, it doesn’t matter. Because it’s ours.”

Love and emotion rose between them, like the crescendo of a beautiful piece of classical music and Dan couldn’t help but react, being drawn to Phil with every fibre of his being. He untangled their fingers and wrapped his arms around Phil, resting on his shoulders. Phil squeaked at the sudden weight of him against his chest, their breathing out of sync and mixing in the air between them. He leaned forward and nuzzled Phil in a barely there brush of lips, before pulling away and licking his lips, hoping to pick up on the taste of Phil.

It was fleeting and gentle compared to the roar of noise within him. Dan considered Phil as he leant back again, allowing themselves only those small moments, until such a time as they could have all the time in the world.

*~*~*

When the air date finally arrived, Dan was sure he wasn’t fooling anyone as he walked around the office with a kind of haughty nonchalance that he certainly didn’t feel. He’d been resolutely unable to concentrate and by the time he was shrugging his bag over his shoulder at the end of the day, he felt a little guilty at how little he’d managed to get done.

Back at home the guilt had only intensified as Anna saw through his calm façade immediately. It pained him to think about how well she knew him and the things he was planning to do. Planning to leave her, soon, and this life they’d built, for someone who was practically a stranger in comparison. For Phil.

Dan made dinner that evening, mostly as he needed to keep busy to stop himself spiralling. By the time quarter to nine rolled around, Dan was slouched on the sofa, thumb tapping out a message on his phone in one hand and glass of wine in the other, heart beating an erratic pattern in his chest.

`**Dan:** *is face down on the carpet having a crisis*`

`**Phil:** *sits on you*`

Dan laughed out loud. Phil’s commitment to finding the silly humour in situations was a balm to Dan’s occasionally all-consuming pessimism.

`**Dan:** hey, im in the middle of a spiral here… you should be trying to help me :(`

`**Phil:** Maybe I’m trying to distract you, Mr Howell`

Phil’s message was followed by gif of a person slow motion winking at the camera and Dan felt his cheeks warm as he giggled, feeling young and silly.

`**Dan:** maybe its working. you should keep trying though`

“Who’s that?”

Dan jumped, looking caught out as he looked over to Anna on the other sofa, cradling her mug of tea between her hands. He hadn’t realised that she had come in the room, think she was still washing up the dishes from their meal.

“Oh, it’s just Phil being silly,” Dan said offhandedly, “He’s got Liv and some other friends over and they’re watching the show together.” He tried not to sound bitter that he wasn’t there, but wasn’t all that convinced he’d been successful. Especially if the frown that Anna gave him was any indication.

She made a noise before turning back to the TV and Dan wasn’t sure what it meant. Before he could ask, however, the announcer was introducing the show and his phone had buzzed in his hand. Dan gulped down the last of the liquid courage from his glass and attempted to ignore whatever Phil had just sent and focus on the bright screen in front of him, flashing the garish colours and zany sounds of an opening credits.

They were introduced to a group of five friends, a father and a son and a female couple all before the first ad break. Dan had to admit the show was well produced, and his colleagues fears about the show being boring seemed to be unfounded. They producers and editors had managed to balance the gameplay and the conversation between the gamers to produce an entertaining, funny and occasionally insightful show that Dan was sure he would have probably ended up watching, even if he wasn’t in it. They’d also gotten the groups to play different games which surprised him.

Anna plucked his glass from his hand as he turned to look at his phone. “Top up?”

Dan mumbled an affirmative, not looking up from his phone, and not hearing the way Anna’s feet seemed to fall heavier as she walked out of the room.

`**Phil:** I mean, would it be weird if I happened to be dressed as Crash Bandicoot? I don’t think so… your thoughts?`

`**Dan:** ha! as long as i’m wearing the furry polar bear outfit`

`**Phil:** *pats your furry butt*  
**Phil:** Hmm…. So soft`

Dan guffawed as he typed his response followed by a few cry laughing emoji.

`**Dan:** dan and phils bareback adventure.`

A shadow, followed by the “Ahem” of a clearing throat passed over him, and Dan dropped his phone into his lap. He took the offered glass from her and averted his gaze, chagrined and murmured a “Thanks.”

He didn’t have a chance to reply to Phil’s message before the show had started again and Dan found himself listening once again to the narrator’s soft Irish voice introducing some best friends in London. Dan looked up quickly and saw a split second shot of Phil’s block of flats before his own name was being announced and the screen filled with both he and Phil looking at each other, grinning.

He held his breath through the whole segment, not daring to make a noise. He couldn’t stop the rush of warmth to his cheeks nor the way the flush travelled down his neck and across chest. Their first segment finished and Dan heaved a breath in deeply. It had been funny and silly in equal measure, Dan’s excited, exaggerated reactions complimented by Phil’s calm, quirkiness.

It seemed the producers had also taken note of how flirty they were and interspersed their short segment with looks, touches, and bites of their lips, which, out of context, seemed much more suggestive than Dan remember them being in the moment.

“I didn’t realise that you were so close.” Anna’s voice came from the other side of the room, seeming much quieter and distant than the small room they were in could allow. She wasn’t looking at Dan, instead staring at the screen where the group of five friends introduced in the first half were shouting at each other and throwing arms up in the air signifying their victory.

Dan could feel how the atmosphere had changed, and Anna’s jaw seemed to twitch.

“We talk literally all the time.” Dan said, knowing he wasn’t answering Anna’s unspoken question.

She still didn’t look at him, her knuckles white where they gripped her mug. “I know. I just didn’t realise that-“ she stopped abruptly and Dan turned to the TV to see his own image there again, the garish, primary colours of the Crash Bandicoot gameplay seeming offensive and inappropriate suddenly.

They watched the next segment in uncomfortable silence. Dan visibly winced every time they touched each other, every time Phil’s hand came to rest on his arm or he would stare just a little too long.

“I thought that… I assumed…” Anna’s voice sounded small, her forehead crinkled in a frown.

“What?” Dan murmured, barely a whisper.

She winced as if hit, and Dan could feel himself on the teetering on the precipice of something big.

“When did we last have sex?”

Anna looked at him now, and the months of excuses and touches he’d avoided flashed in his mind like a zoetrope showcasing the steady decline in their relationship. It had started long before Phil came into his life, really. The feeling of being trapped so easily confused with contentment that panic was rising in Dan as he studied more and more moments of their lives together. It was as if his view had shifted, just slightly, and all of the memories they had together felt oppressive and cold.

He didn’t reply, recognising again how, when faced with a difficult question, he let the silence drag on. He’d spent so long wishing this moment’s arrival, just desperate to have it all be done and over with. Now he was living it, the prickle of nerves and the spike of adrenaline coursing through him as his body readied for confrontation was almost unbearable.

“Anna-“ he said, unsure what he was even going to say.

“I’m going to bed.” Anna stood up, the rest of the programme forgotten.

Dan stood up too, reaching a hand out to her as she passed him, “Anna can we-“

“No, Dan. Just. No.” He watched the brown liquid splash out of her mug as she put it heavily down on the end table beside her chair. He watched the flick of her brown hair and the sway of her hips as she climbed the stairs.

Fear shot through him, jagged and sharp. _I should go after her_ , he thought, _I should tell her everything is going to be alright._

He didn’t. He stood watching the space where she had just been. This was it, this was what he had been waiting for. It felt as though this was what they had both been waiting for. The loud blaring of an advert jolted him from his reverie and he noticed the show had finished.

His phone made a loud chirp and he jumped, looking down at Phil’s name as it appeared on the screen. This was it. The moment felt… pivotal. Dan had a choice to make.

`**Phil:** omg how cool was that?!`

`**Dan:** yea`

Dan sat heavily down onto the sofa, his head low, pressing his phone to his forehead. A few moments passed, the sound of TV children singing loud and obnoxious in the air.

`**Phil:** yea? Is everything ok? Did you not like it?`

It still amazed Dan how Phil just knew when he wasn’t himself. When something was wrong.

`**Dan:** no it was really good. i think anna knows. i think we have just had a fight about it. i didn’t go after her`

`**Phil:** I’m sorry, Dan. Can I do something?`

`**Dan:** Im not sure that we have. I feel like`

Dan’s finger brushed the send button and sent the message half completed. He doesn’t finish the sentence. The phone comes to life in his hands, buzzing its rhythmic pattern against his fingers and filling his screen with Phil’s face. Dan swipes to hang up.

`**Phil:** Dan, are you ok?`

`**Dan:** I cant talk right now. sorry. I just need to work out how I am going to do this`

`**Phil:** I love you`

His eyes filled with tears as he read the words and typed his own.

`**Dan:** I love you too`

He doesn’t follow Anna up to bed. He doesn’t work out how he was going to approach her, or what words he was going to say. He took a blanket from the airing cupboard and laid on the sofa until eventually he fell asleep, feeling every inch the fucking coward he was.

*~*~*

The next morning Dan woke up to his alarm. The house was quiet and his tentative look around the house showed that it was empty. Anna must have gotten up and left the house early to avoid him. He was surprised he hadn’t heard the stairs creak or her car starting. He showered and changed his clothes, feeling despondent.

By the time he is back downstairs and eating cereal at the kitchen table, his phone his flashing, notifying him of a new message.

`**Phil:** Please call me`

It had been sent earlier that morning, presumably whilst Dan was in the shower. He ignored it, noticing the numerous notifications which were littered across the top of the screen. He cleared them all and opened Twitter. Nearly six hundred new followers and nearly a thousand new mentions. Dan blanched as he started scrolling through the messages. Lots of people talking about how funny they were. Lots of people asking questions about the clothes they had been wearing and what their favourite game was. Even more alarming were the conversations he saw being held by people about him. About Phil. Discourse on their relationship, their sexuality, their social class, their favourite meal, their favourite Pokémon. It went on and on and on and Dan’s stomach rolled.

Screen caps and gifs of various points in the show were interspersed with reaction images and memes and Dan could felt overwhelming urge to delete his Twitter page. He didn’t though, just continued scrolling as though some part of him knew.

He saw it barely a few hundred mentions down. A seemingly innocuous tweet consisting of a single question mark followed by both himself and Phil’s handles. Below the text and their names was a still image which started playing as soon as it centred on his screen.

The darkened nightclub of Olivia’s birthday. Her drunk friends talking excitedly. And then the background, zoomed in to fill the whole space, the video of Dan and Phil, fingertips drawing across skin and their lips meeting, oblivious to their surroundings.

His phone thudded as it hit the table.


	11. Finally Awake, Caught In A Moment

Dan left for work feeling downcast and a little sick. The more he searched the more gifs and screen caps of that bloody video he found being shared. It looked like it was starting to gain traction, and Dan watched his mentions increase and the conversations ramble on about him and Phil as though he couldn’t see it.

`**Dan:** please can we talk. i want to explain`

He sent the text to Anna as he left the house, having made the choice to resolutely ignore all social media until he felt better equipped to handle it or everyone forgot. He had a feeling that wouldn’t be any time soon. A dark cloud of dread had settled over him and the thought of going in to work actually made him a little fearful.

He was annoyed with himself. He’d spent months not saying anything to Anna and desperately wishing he wouldn’t have to, that she would just… know, somehow. Now that it had happened that way, he felt bereft and empty. He felt resentful of his lack of opportunity to explain.

At the end of the road, he wasn’t surprised that he still didn’t have an answer. Hell, he wouldn’t have answered if the circumstances were flipped. He pulled out his phone and dialled Phil as he made his way through familiar streets towards the station. It was early still, Phil would hopefully already be up and getting ready. 

When he answered, his voice was breathless as if he had had to run for his phone, “Dan, oh my god. Are you ok?”

Even now, after everything that had happened and everything that was going to happen hanging like a weight above him, the sound of Phil’s voice calmed him. He sighed. “Hi. I, er, I don’t know, to be honest.”

Phil made a noise. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Dan thought about the question. There was nothing Phil could do, but so much which Dan felt like he himself should be doing. Why hadn’t he just fucking said something? It would have been bad, painful even, but so much better for both Anna and himself. Hell, even for Phil.

He’d gotten them into the situation, he had done this to them, to their lives, it was up to him to try and work out how to put it right. “I don’t think so. I don’t really know what Anna knows... or what she thinks she knows.”

“What happened?”

Dan continued on his way to the station as he recounted the events of the previous evening, feeling this overwhelming urge to provide evidence as if justifying his actions, knowing full well that he couldn’t do so, and Phil would see straight through it anyway. He had made his choice.

“It doesn’t sound like she could know all that much.” Phil finally said after Dan had finished recalling how he wimped out of going upstairs and trying to have a conversation with Anna.

“Hmm,” he added noncommittally. He had arrived on the platform and kept his head down, waiting for the train to pull in. “Maybe. It’s been... wrong between us for so long, but I’m starting to think that maybe it’s just been me. You know, maybe for her everything was fine. Maybe I’m the one with the problem.”

“You don’t have a problem, Dan.”

“I don’t know,” Dan sighs and winces as the train arrives, grinding and screeching its way onto the platform. “Has your Twitter gone mental too?” He asks, keen now to change the subject.

Phil exhales long and loud. “Yes. And Facebook and Instagram... who knew my random fizzy milk ramblings would strike a chord with so many.” He laughed but it felt empty, almost resigned. “We should have thought ahead really.”

“Yea, probably. I haven’t even looked at the others yet. Honestly, I opened Twitter and saw...” Dan trailed off as his gaze passed over the other passengers in his carriage. He became aware of how many of them seemed to be looking at him, studying him as if trying to place him. Dan felt under scrutiny, uncomfortable and hot. The grey sky outside was whizzing past in a blur and Dan turned to press his forehead against the cool window, curling up on himself, speaking in lowered tones.

“You’ve seen the video from Liv's birthday?” Phil asked uncertainly.

“Yea. I should have asked her to take it down back when she uploaded it.”

“You saw it back then?” He asked, surprised.

“Yea, I saw it the next day. Did you not know about it?”

“I did.” Phil admitted, “I just didn’t know if you did. I should have said something to you.” He seemed uncomfortable, almost guilty.

“No, you shouldn’t have, this is all me. I’m at fault here.” Dan whispered, acutely aware of the outright stares and gawps being sent his way. “I just don’t know what to do to make all of this better. I don’t know if I even can. I kind of want to hide away,” his voice dropped even quieter, “maybe disappear with you, but then I remember that it’s all those months of not saying anything that got me where I am now. I know Anna deserved better, I just got so scared of hurting her and then I ended up hurting her even more than I could have imagined.”

Phil was quiet for a long time, Dan had to check his phone to see whether they were still connected. “It’s was never going to be easy, however you played this part out. Whatever you decide to do Dan, I’m there, when you need me.”

“Thank you.”

Phil seemed to hesitate before he spoke. “I love you,” he said quietly, sounding unsure.

Dan’s heart swelled. Hearing those words made him sure that despite everything that was happening, he was making the right choice. “I love you, too.”

*~*~*

Dan arrived at work with minimal fanfare. He did get stopped by one teenager who asked for a selfie with him, which Dan tried to politely refuse but before he knew it there was an arm around his shoulders and a phone in his face. Dan saw himself looking mildly terrified back from the screen and looked perplexingly after the lad as he walked away, shouting a thanks over his shoulder.

Inside the office the general chatter stopped immediately as he opened the door and a sea of eyes turned to him over the top of screens and dividers. Dan kept his head down and tried to ignore the looks, making his way to his desk and sitting down heavily. Mark scooted around on his chair and placed a steaming mug of coffee in front of him.

“Well, you’ve been busy, eh?” He said through a grin and a waggle of his eyebrows which Dan ignored. He took the mug of coffee and sipped it resentfully as he waited for his PC to boot up.

Mark seemed to cotton on quick that Dan was not in a particularly jovial mood and quickly apologised. “It was a good show, though. You were very funny. That Phil’s a bit odd, but you can tell you’re good mates.”

Dan eyed him carefully, trying to sense any malice. When he didn’t notice any he offered him a weary smile and a thanks as he prepared to lose himself in his work.

“Angela wants to see you.”

Dan looked up, shocked. “Angela? Why?”

“Dunno. Said she’d email you.”

Panicking quite a lot, Dan clicked on his emails and scrolled past the general notices of birthday cakes in the staff kitchen and staff bulletins and updates. The one from Angela had come through about half an hour earlier. He clicked open the message and read quickly, not bothering to stop Mark who was reading openly over his shoulder. If the HR Business Partner was emailing him bad news, rest of the office would find out soon enough anyway.

Dan read quickly, trying to both skim read and absorb all information in equal measure. It told him they were aware of his participation in the show, and whilst not a breach of any rules or guidelines, it would have been best practice to inform his managers or make HR aware so that they could take any steps needed to safeguard the charity. They acknowledged that although it wasn’t looking negative at the moment and the charity want to keep it that way, they would have appreciated the forewarning just in case. Dan sent a suitably chastised email back, promising to make them aware of any future television appearances and to keep the welfare of the charity in mind in all of his actions. He hoped the sarcasm would be lost on them, the feeling of hopelessness increased tenfold as he wondered what else could possibly go wrong.

He spent the rest of the morning resolutely ignoring the calls from his mum and Liv as his phone slowly buzzed its way across his desk. He’d noticed that the charity’s social media interactions had increased and it definitely seemed to have more followers. So far he hadn’t come across anything incriminating within their timeline or mentions but he made a mental note to keep a close eye on it.

Lunchtime finally arrived and Dan was sat alone at a table in the break out area the company had assigned for staff to use during their so called down time. He scrolled through the missed calls and texts and new friend requests and new emails and everything that was littering his notification panel before deciding on one and hitting call.

“Well, if it isn’t Daniel fucking Howell.” Liv seemed angry. 

“Hi Liv.” Dan sighed.

“Don’t you ‘Liv’ me. You have some things you need to be telling me.”

“I don’t know it I should. I-“

Liv interrupted him, her voice loud and amplified down the phone. “Yes you fucking do. Have you been having an affair?”

Dan flinched and glanced around the room. The room was quite quiet as Dan had waited until the last moment to have his lunch break, but there were people dotted around. At table on the other side of the room he recognised the three women from payroll appearing deep in conversation. Dan would be fooled if it wasn’t for the fact that he couldn’t see their lips moving and not one of them had looked away from him since he entered the break out room about ten minutes previous.

Dan lowered his voice and tried to inconspicuously cover his mouth as he spoke. “Well not an affair. I... I erm...”

“Cheated.” Liv offered when Dan trailed off.

“Well, that.”

“When?” She demanded.

“The night of your party.” He continued quickly, speaking over her as she shouted offended, “And then we became friends and that grew and nothing else happened.” He stressed.

“But you were planning on leaving her.”

Dan debated lying. As he did in most conversations. He had quickly learnt that he different vastly from Phil in this way. It would never occur to him to lie when the truth was there, waiting to be told. He wore his heart on his sleeve. Dan, however, carefully considered the merits and dangers of the truth and a lie and was not afraid to use one or the other depending on what would be the greater good overall.

“Yes.” He said, truthfully.

“Oh Dan.” She breathed heavily for a moment. “That’s really fucking shitty of you both.” She said eventually.

“Both?”

“You and Phil.”

Dan jumped to Phil’s defence. “Phil didn’t do anything. He didn’t know about Anna.”

“Not at first, but he-“

“Just… Please. Phil didn’t do anything. He said from the off that he wouldn’t be the person who cheats. It’s really important to me that you don’t blame him.” It was so important to him that Phil not be made to be a bad guy. Besides, what was the point of all of this if not to be able to openly protect him? Suddenly a thought struck him. “How did you know anyway?”

She groaned. “Some people got hold of the video before I realised and closed it down. Obviously not before people uploaded it elsewhere. Some of the comments on it before I got to it were pretty… horrendous.”

“Fuck.” Dan muttered.

“Yea. To be fair, you had a lot of fucking fans.” She affected a high pitched voice. “Giving it all ’Ooh, they’re so cute. Aw, they’re so hot.’ But I think some of Anna's friends also got on it and it was getting heated.”

Dan groaned and slammed his forehead down on the table, the sound echoed in the quiet room and the women who were still desperately trying to listen in on his conversation all jumped in surprise.

“You at work?” Liv asked after a few minutes silence.

“Yea. You?”

She hmmed an affirmative and Dan couldn’t help himself when he asked, “How’s Phil?”

“Fucking hell, Dan,” she swore as she hung up.

Dan stared at the screen of his phone where Liv’s name had been just a few moments before.

“Fuck!” He shouted as he banged his fist on the table. It hadn’t been particularly loud, but one of the ladies let out a squeak at the sound. Serves them right, he thought as he made his way back to his desk, resigned to the long day still ahead of him.

*~*~*

Dan arrived back home feeling exhausted and worn down. Anna’s car was not on the drive and she still had not responded to his texts or attempts to call. Closing the door behind himself, he flopped face down onto the sofa and groaned in frustration.

The house was cold, dark and empty as he sat contemplating what on earth he was going to do. He had no idea where Anna was or if she’d ever speak to him again, he had sudden, albeit relatively small, fame to deal with and the magnitude of his situation was starting to sink in. His breathing quickened, his palms became clammy and tears prickled in the backs of his eyes.

Fuck, he refused to sit alone in dark house and cry. Still face down on the sofa, he manoeuvred his phone from a pocket to his hands and started typing.

`**Dan:** this is really presumptuous of me... and you can totally tell me to fuck off`

The reply came quickly.

`**Phil:** I'm sure I won't but go on.`

`**Dan** : can i come to yours`

`**Phil:** Of course you can. What about work?`

`**Dan** : its just really quiet here and i don't know what to do with myself. its pretty dark here too and tbh i feel kinda shitty`

`**Phil:** I said yes!`

For a long while he can’t think of anything to say back. Work was an issue but he could cope with the slightly longer journey to work for a day… or may a couple if Dan could wrangle it. Relieved, he finally sends a heart emoji followed by a promise to not be long, and jumps up to start throwing some things into his back pack.

Twenty minutes later he sat down in the kitchen and opened his phone again.

`**Dan:** im staying somewhere for a few days so u can come home. if you can bring yourself to see me again i really think we should talk. ill text you when im planning to be back. please call me.`

With a final look at the darkened shadows of his kitchen, he turns the key and makes his way to the station.

*~*~*

He stepped off the train just over an hour later, arms aching with the weight of his backpack and skin clammy from the heat inside the carriage. It was bitterly cold outside now, and Dan had layered up for his walk, forgetting that he’d be crammed into a rush hour train with hundreds of other people wearing their winter coats. Swiping his Oyster Card against the barrier he made towards the exit when he heard his voice being shouted over the loud drum of noise.

He looked up towards the voice and his heart beat erratically and his pulse quickened as Phil came into view. He was wrapped up in his dark grey shiny space coat, the white trim of the hood seeming ethereal as he smiled brilliantly and made his way over to him.

They embraced, feeling too far apart with all the padding of clothing between them, but Dan was grateful for the contact all the same. Seeing Phil in person made him sure that he had made the right decision, reaffirmed why he was doing this awful thing to someone he believed he still loved.

As expected, Phil’s lips ghosted against his neck and he squeezed a little tighter, feeling bolder and braver with Phil in his arms, but with the emotion of the last twenty four hours threatening to overwhelm him. Tears pricked in the corners of his eyes again, and he pulled away to look into Phil’s slightly upturned face, frowning with the concentration needed to hold in the sob in his throat.

Phil’s eyes flickered between Dan’s and he noted the barely holding it together look immediately and grabbed one of his bags, ushering them away to a hail a taxi.

The ride was, mercifully, quick and quiet. Tuned in to Capital FM, the majority of the journey was travel and news updates and Dan was glad of something to focus on. They didn’t talk, to the driver or to each other, but Phil’s hand reached across the back seat and laced their fingers together, squeezing gently and not letting go until they arrived at Phil’s apartment and Phil dug in the folds of his coat to find his wallet.

An hour later, Dan was in his pyjamas reclined on the sofa with a cup of hot chocolate between his fingers and a duvet over his lap. His bags had been placed beside Phil’s bed, his toothbrush and other toiletries on the sink in the bathroom and his phone laid beside Phil’s on the bedside table. Phil himself was sprawled on the same sofa, head resting on Dan’s chest and arms wrapped loosely around his waist.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Phil’s voice was muffled against his own arm.

“Not particularly.” Dan said immediately, and then, “Sort of and sort of not,” once he had thought about it.

Phil took the drink from between Dan’s fingers, ignoring his noise of displeasure, and shuffled them around until they were laying on the sofa face to face, the duvet pulled high up to their chins and the TV talking discreetly to itself in the background. Laying down they were eye to eye and Dan revelled in this new angle.

Head resting on his arm, Phil looked at him as if awed, unable to comprehend that Dan was there. He smiled a gentle smile and with his free hand, traced a pattern against the skin of Dan’s bicep.

Dan could feel the arms raise on his arm as the light touches tickled slightly. He leaned forward into the warm comfort of Phil’s presence and felt heat spark through him like a blazing hot dagger. He closed the space between them and their mouths collided pressing kiss after kiss against the other’s lips. It was chaste in comparison to some of their previous encounters, but felt significant in a way that nothing that had passed between them before could.

Dan’s hands had travelled their way across Phil’s stomach, skimming over his hips to rest against the small of his back, pulling him flush against him, wanting the comfort of knowing he was there in his entirety. Phil let out a breath against between them that could have been a moan and his hands moved to grip the back of his neck and his fingers threaded through the shorn hair there.

A few minutes later Phil pulled away from the kiss, panting into Dan’s neck.

“This isn’t talking you know?” He said kissing a line down across his collar bones.

“Talking’s overrated.” Dan retorted fingers dipping below Phil’s waistband and stroking the soft he found there.

“Apparently so.”

Dan pulled Phil back and crushed their lips together once again, tongues tentatively tasting the other. His stomach swooped at the taste of Phil and the promise of everything they have to come. He moans and attempts to follow as Phil pulls away.

“Really, Dan. I think we should talk.” He nudges a knee between Dan’s thighs who pushes down onto the pressure. He isn’t hard yet, nowhere near, really, but lust is bubbling below his skin and he knows with some well-placed fingers and a few moments of teenage style making-out he could well on his way to what he hopes would be a very satisfying orgasm.

He sighed and looks at Phil. “Why not wait? Nothing will change overnight? I’ll still be the same horrible person in the morning.”

Phil looks shocked. “You’re not a horrible person,” he said carefully.

“I am Phil. I know what this all is. Fucking karma or something.”

“You did a not particularly nice thing, but you’re not a horrible person.” Phil tried to reason.

Dan shushed Phil by surging forward again and reconnecting their lips, determined. His teeth caught on Phil’s bottom lip and he is forceful and almost bruising in his desperation. He pushed Phil onto his back and followed with his own body until he’s settled atop Phil’s hips and grinds down in a teasing display of what could be.

Phil’s looking up at him through long dark lashes, hands massaging up his thighs.

“Dan…” It seems almost perfunctory, a token protest. As if he was programmed to do these things in threes.

Dan ignored him and hooking his fingers under the hem of his shirt, lifting it off in one moment and throwing it somewhere behind him. Phil reaches up reverently, fingers tracing the dips and peaks of the torso before him, nails scraping lightly over nipples as they explore the expanse of skin.

Dan’s breath catches in his throat, Phil’s touch scorching like fire as he discovers the wonders of Dan’s body. He leaned down, the warmth of Phil’s firm chest seeping through the thin material of his pyjama top, and rests his weight bodily against Phil’s, slotting together so perfectly.

The feel of Phil beneath him, hot and solid, is sublime. They’re both on their way to hardness now and Dan’s more determined than ever. He rucks up Phil’s t-shirt and marks a path of open mouthed kisses down his neck, over his collar bones and down and down and down.

Eventually he run out of skin and nuzzles his cheek against the hardness tenting Phil’s trousers.

“Can I?” He whispered, lips tracing the outline of the cock straining against the material, desperate for some attention.

“Fuck.”

The sound of Phil swearing makes his skin prickle and his breath catch. He looks up through his eyelashes, aiming for coy and hoping he hits somewhere near the mark.

He must do because Phil nods and with a little help from Dan they manage to get his t-shirt off. Dan starts pulling at Phil’s waistband and together they manage to get Phil fully naked. Dan makes quick work of the remainder of his own clothes and reaches behind himself to push the duvet off the sofa.

Phil’s not moving, staring intensely at Dan as if mesmerised. His eyes roaming across miles of smooth milky skin, the dark hair smattering his chest, the dark shadows of his navel and the thatch of dark hair around his cock, red and aching to be touched. That his own cock was erect and straining so close to where Phil’s own was resting against his stomach made heat spike through him and the sight knocked the breath from his lungs.

He licked a wet stripe against his hand and wrapped his long fingers around them both causing them both to groan in satisfaction at the contact. He pushed his thumb over Phil’s tip, watching as pre-come dribbled down over the head and his fingers. Phil moved to sit up, Dan’s stomach arcing away as his head dropped low to press insistent kisses to his lips, and his hand started moving with determination.

He found a quick, tight rhythm, sweat beading on his brow and the mixture of spit and precome slickening the way between them. Phil was panting, the sound almost drowned out by the broken off moans Dan couldn’t help escaping him.

The sound of Dan’s hand moving on them both and their heavy breathing was a heady mix. Dan could feel the tension building within him, his balls pulling tighter and his muscles seizing, as if all of the tension of the last few days was there, just beneath the surface, waiting for release.

“Phil, I’m… I’m so close.” He huffed, tasting Phil as they breathed the same air together.

“Hmm,” Phil makes a noise of agreement and his hands stop exploring Dan’s shoulders and back and journey down to cup his arse, squeezing tightly and bringing them closer together.

Dan gasps at the shift and it’s just the contact he needs to push him over the edge, his come striping over his own chest and running down over his hand. The added slick helps him keep up the movement on their cocks. He can tell Phil is close, his thighs and arms twitching beneath Dan.

“Just… just there…”

Dan’s own cock twitches with the overstimulation but he keeps pumping his hand between them, loving the sharpness of it. It takes only a few more strokes before Phil’s coming, his head dropping onto Dan’s shoulder and his teeth closing around the soft skin there in a bite which is sharp and shocking, but which Dan pressed into all the same.

Dan wiped his hand on Phil’s stomach, who squeaked with indignation. Dan shushes him with a kiss, slow and chaste.

“Hmm,” Phil sighs returning the kisses, “good talk.”

Dan groaned and pushes him away as Phil succumbs to a fit a giggles.

Phil eventually stopped laughing with a squeak when Dan pinched his nipple, marvelling at the way the pink nub hardens under his fingers.

“We’re gross.” Phil said, looking at the mess between them.

Dan smirks. “Shower?”

*~*~*

The room was cool and dark when Dan reached over to turn his alarm off ridiculously early the next morning. The air caused the hairs on his arms to stand on end and he burrowed deeper into the warm covers, wrapping himself tighter around Phil’s naked form.

Phil's arms tightened around him, and Dan felt warm words being pressed into the top of his head. “No” and “get up yet" being the only discernible ones in all of Phil's mumbling.

“Not yet. Ten more minutes.” He said.

“Mmmm, good,” Phil sighed happily.

Dan pressed a kiss just below Phil's collar bone and fell quickly back to sleep.

“No,” Phil groaned especially loudly as ten minutes later the alarm was once again blaring its obnoxious noise. “That was only a few seconds.”

Dan grinned and rolled onto his back, arms and legs stretching and letting out a satisfied grunt.

Feeling satisfied and tingly, he turned onto his side, looking down into Phil's sleepy face.

“You can stay asleep you know.” He said fondly, bringing his hands up to smooth the creases of sleep from Phil's cheek.

“But you’re awake.” He replied, voice still thick with sleep.

“I’m getting up to get dressed, and then I really need to get moving if I wanna make it to work on time.”

Phil mumbled incoherently and snuggled further down under the duvet. Dan knew he would be asleep again before he’s fully out of the bed.

They’d talked for a long time as they lay nose to nose in the darkness waiting for the pull of sleep to take them. Talking of everything and nothing in equal measure the edges tinged with hope and promise. Dan knew there was so much he still needed to do and he was so far out of the woods yet, but it was difficult not to get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship.

Dan checked his phone, before making his way to the bathroom. Numerous notifications and missed calls from his mum, some even this morning. Dan, ever thankful to the phone’s manufacturer for adding a ‘Do Not Disturb’ mode. He grabbed some clothes from the where he’d unpacked them previously and returned the call.

“Hey, mum.”

“Dan, Jesus Christ, where have you been, I’ve been trying to get hold of you.” She sounded tired and the strain in her voice caused a pang of shame to course through him.

“I know, mum, sorry. It’s been a bit crazy.” His voice seemed loud and unforgiving in the cold bathroom.

“I know. Well I think I know some. I watched you and your friend on TV. You were very funny. You both were.”

“Thanks mum.”

“It’s just, is everything else ok, son?”

Dan stopped with one leg in his jeans, almost tripping in surprise. “Yeah, it’s alright.”

“It’s just, your brother’s been telling us things. I don’t know where he’s getting it from, Tweeter or something, and then Anna’s friends are saying a lot of stuff on your Facebook page, and I can even find her on Facebook anymore-”

“We’re no longer together, mum. Anna and I are splitting up, have split up, I’m sorry you had to find out this way.” He feels dejected and the prospect of such a heavy emotionally charged conversation so early in the morning fills him with dread. He’s always been good at avoiding conflict, and the urge to say anything to end the conversation quickly is overwhelming.

“Oh, love. How awful, you must be devastated.”

Dan finished getting dressed, listening to his mother’s sympathies and assuring her he didn’t need her to come and speak with Anna and he felt certain that it wasn’t just a bump in the road of their relationship.

The call finally finished with Dan promising to call her back that evening and explain everything, just moments before Phil walked into the bathroom, hair a messy quiff atop his head and red patterns pressed into the soft skin of his arms.

He came up behind Dan, arms wrapping around his middle and nose nuzzling into the warm skin of his neck.

Dan smiled at their reflection. “Hmm, good morning.”

“It appears to be.” Phil murmured into Dan’s neck. “Who were you talking to?”

Dan turned in Phil’s arms and pressed their lips together, trying to absorb all the heat of Phil’s sleep warm body, gloriously naked except for his boxers.

“My mum. She’s worried. And confused, I think, my brother’s been reading some of the stuff online.” He said, pulling away.

“That’s awful, Dan, there’s some… not great things being said online.”

“I haven’t looked since yesterday morning. Shit the second episode aired last night. There’ll be even more won’t there?” He groaned, his head dropping onto Phil’s shoulder.

Phil’s body shook as he nodded. “There’s some more, nothing different than yesterday, but you should probably private your Facebook just to be sure.”

“I can’t believe how many people there are. We didn’t even think.”

“We didn’t.” Phil’s hands rest against his cheeks and Dan met his eyes, wondering briefly if he should feel concerned with the way anything seemed possible when Phil looked at him. “What time will you be home?”

Dan’s heart fluttered at the mention of home. His imagination full of thoughts of home being here, with Phil, in this cosy flat where there were no reminders of the life he was about to leave behind. No sense of dread as his key turned in the lock, no feeling of pretence as he kissed his partner goodnight, no feeling of loss as he imagined the future ahead of him. Just home… and Phil.


	12. A State Of Mind

November passed in blur of wet and windy train journeys. Dan quickly found himself getting used to leaving for work from Phil’s flat in the cold, dark mornings, pulling his scarf closer around his neck and pushing his hands a little deeper into his pockets as he braced against the bitter chill.

It seemed the world was aware of his break up due to his sudden semi-famous status and his initial refusal to even look at the flurry of comments and messages directed towards him online. It seemed that his silence only implied guilt and fuelled conversation and speculation. Both he and Phil had been approached by local reporters and TV magazines wanting to do introduction and spotlight pieces on them to drum up some interest. They’d managed to successfully dodge them all so far, and Dan was determined to keep dodging for as long as he possibly could.

He’d been back to the house three times since he first made the decision to stay over at Phil’s and each time he’d text Anna and by the time he arrived the house was dark and empty. He’d taken more of his belongings and noted how Anna’s belongings seemed to be disappearing also.

The last time he’d gone he’d text Anna a final plea to talk, knowing that if nothing else they had to start unwinding the tendrils of their life together. They had to give notice on the house if they were both wanting to leave, they had joint accounts they needed to close, and more importantly he hoped they could forge some kind of… forgiveness. He knew it was a lot to ask.

`**Anna:** Caffe Nero Bluewater Saturday 8th at 11`

He’s beyond shocked when his phone lights up with Anna’s message. It’s blunt, as he expected, but he’s just so glad to have a response and an opportunity to talk to Anna. He supposes there’s a statement somewhere in there in that she’d chosen Bluewater, one of the places she knew he hated going most. A large, busy shopping centre on the third Saturday before Christmas sounded like his idea of a nightmare and Dan was having thoughts about cancelling the second he read it.

*~*~*

Dan didn’t cancel and he found himself sat at ten in the morning beside Phil in a darkened corner of Starbucks, his foot nervously tapping in time with his rapidly beating heart. The remains of a napkin he’d shredded sat in a pile on the table and his festive themed coffee had barely been touched.

Phil sat quietly beside him. He’d kept up a constant stream of bonhomie on the train journey in, which Dan guessed was nerves at Dan’s insistence that he wouldn’t be imposing if he came along with him. Now that they were here even Dan was a little nervous that they might run into Anna before their agreed meeting time of eleven, so they’d hidden in the furthest, darkest corner of Starbucks and hadn’t moved since.

“I feel like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be.” Phil said quietly, looking down into his mug.

“I know. I’m sorry, Phil. I shouldn’t have made you come. I’m just a little terrified of what’s going to happen.”

“That’s why I’m here.” Phil smiled his brilliant smile and Dan couldn’t help but return one of his own. “Why’d she choose here?”

“She comes here a lot with her friends. There’s a couple of nice food courts and we’ve been to the cinema a couple of times.” He glances around at the busy coffee shop, eyeing the queuing people quickly. Phil knows he’s looking for her face, expecting to see it every time someone new enters the shop.

“Oh…” Phil trails off.

“And she knows I hate it. All the shouting kids, the massive crowds, the fucking Christmas songs. The queues. I hate people, Phil.” He looks up at Phil pleading and earnest in equal measure.

Phil chuckles. “You don’t hate people.”

“I do, I hate people.” Dan nods determinately, although there’s mischief in his eyes.

“I’m people!” Phil says, mocking offence.

“You’re not people,” he scoffs, “you’re…” he trailed off, looking down into Phil’s eyes.

Gentle. Beautiful. Amazing. Wonderful. All these words that seemed far too big for the space between them and coffee shop they were currently sat in but far too small for Phil.

Phil’s hand moved to rest on Dan’s thigh, obscured from prying eyes by the table and their winter coats. “I’m…” he prompted, eyebrows raised.

Dan shook his head and took a sip of his now lukewarm drink. He leaned back in his chair and placed his hand over Phil’s, fingers lacing into the gaps between Phil’s and squeezing.

“I should get going.” He says, glancing down at the time illuminated on his phone.

“Ok.” Phil looks sad momentarily, before quickly schooling his features. “Good l-“

“Don’t you dare.” Dan groans with the effort as he lifts his body, lamenting the loss of Phil’s touch as soon as the hand slides from his lap.

“Text me?”

Dan nods and made his way through the crowds, glancing back he gave Phil an encouraging smile, glad to see the frown lines lift from his face as he smiled back.

*~*~*

Caffé Nero was a small café in House of Fraser, a large department store whose attempt at chic, upper middle class Christmas made Dan feel slightly nauseous as he ducked and dived through the raucous crowds.

He spotted Anna as he was traveling up the escalator, hands sweaty against the black rubber rails, juddering along at a different speed than his body. He breathed deeply as she looked up and caught sight of him, walking with long determined steps towards the table.

“Hi.” He said lamely, glancing around quickly he spotted Anna’s mum and sister at a table in the corner, faces screwed up with dislike as they looked him up and down.

“Do you want a-“

“No,” she interrupted. “I got you a coke. I don’t want this to-.” She trailed off.

She looked pained and tired, her eyes bore the glint of unshed tears framed by dark circles.

He pulled out the chair opposite her and sat down moving slightly to the side so that Anna blocked the sight of her relatives glaring daggers at him. “Thanks,” he said quietly and tipped the contents into the glass beside it.

Minutes pass and Dan looks at Anna as she looks at him. He can hear the scratchy sounds of The Pogues’ Fairytale of New York playing over the sound system and the shrill screech of the coffee machine and the chatter of the other diners and the distant beeps of items being scanned at the tills, but he doesn’t hear her talk. Because she doesn’t. It’s uncomfortable and the feeling writhes under Dan’s skin.

“Can I just say that I’m-“

“Don’t you dare say that you’re sorry.” She interrupted harshly.

Dan’s head dropped and he winces as if the words were a physical object thrown at him. “Okay,” he agrees. And after a few more minutes of quiet, “How are you?”

“Pretty shit, to be fair.” She said, her words clipped.

It’s not unusual for her to swear, he knows that, has lived with her long enough to be privy to some very creative uses of an expletive. But it’s said with such honesty, such resignation that Dan can’t help but feel shocked.

It’s short lived though as he realises that again Anna had gone quiet and was staring down into the froth of her coffee.

“You’re angry,” he reasons, “and you’ve every right to be, so, thank you for coming. I really think we need to talk, to sort out… this.. us…” He trails off.

“Is there an us?” She scoffed.

“Of course there’s an us,” Dan interjected quickly. “We’ve been together for so long and we have all this history and memories together. I care for you so much and I never wanted to hurt you.”

He’s worried that he’s saying too much, or the wrong thing or not enough, but he feels completely out of his depth and unsure what to do next.

Anna turns her watery gaze on him, her words hit him like a punch to the stomach. “But you did.”

“I know. I was selfish. I’m always selfish. You’ve been lucky enough to avoid getting hurt by me up until now because I was dishonest and tried to hide from you things I thought you wouldn’t like.” He tried to explain.

“Like that you’re gay.”

It’s not said as a question, but Dan can see it in the quirk of her eyebrow. The way her voice lowered as if others may hear. It’s not a question but he feels compelled to answer anyway.

He tries to shut out the rest of the café as he answers. “I’m not- I’m not gay.”

Anna huffed, unconvinced. Dan understood her confusion. He was confused himself. Kind of still is if he is honest with himself. He gets hard touching another man’s dick, he must be gay, right? Even as he thinks it through, he knows it is not true.

“I’m not. I loved you, I love you.”

She shook her head dismissively as if trying to block out his words, but he continued on regardless. “You’re beautiful and caring, and you’ve saved me from myself so many times-“

“But I’m not a man.” She interrupts again.

“Anna.” He sighs and runs his hands through his hair. He’s not sure if he can even explain it, and if he could, he’s not sure that she would want to hear it.

“It’s not that you’re not a man,” he tries again. “It’s that you’re not… him.” His voice had gotten quieter and quieter until he was almost whispering. “You’re just not… Phil.”

She sucked a breath, the noise harsh and loud like a gunshot. Her eyes filled and silent tears started to fall. Fuck, Dan thought.

“I’m sorry, please don’t cry. I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here.” Dan feels panic and sadness wash over him. He doesn’t want her to cry, but he also feels that nothing she wants him to say will be painless.

More time passes between them. The bustle of the shop around them forgotten as they each sit surrounded by their own pain and sadness. Finally, Anna breaks the silence.

“I still kinda didn’t believe it, you know.” She rubs her hands across her face. “I thought, maybe, I was overreacting and you’d come here and be, like, ‘what the fuck are you talking about?’ and there’s no way you could be fucking some guy and that video was some kind of dare because you were drunk of something.” She takes a deep breath. “I’d have been angry but I could have forgiven you.”

Dan doesn’t say anything. As is often the case, he finds he cannot think of anything to say. He feels wretched and tentatively places his hand over hers where it has come to rest on the table between them. He is more than surprised when she doesn’t move her hand away, just stares at his big hand eclipsing hers.

“Tell me what happened.”

“I can’t, Anna.”

“You can,” she insisted. “I want to know.”

He pulled his hand back, lacing it with his own in his lap and playing with the skin around his nails. “We met that night.” He spoke quietly, more conscious than ever of the number of people milling around them. “We were drunk and we kissed. He didn’t know about you until the next day. I didn’t tell him, he found out. We kept talking and spending time together and it felt good. Right in a way I’ve never experienced before. Like I didn’t realise what it was supposed to feel like to be in lo-“

He looks up quickly as he realised what he was about to say. He didn’t know if she realised the sentiment he was about to express but he was eternally grateful for the fact that she didn’t say anything. She can’t have realised, he reasons, else she certainly would have said something.

“I don’t know what you want me to say.” He spoke into the silence. He felt defeated, as though those words were becoming a mantra.

“Did you have sex whilst we were together?”

“Fuck, Anna. I-“

“Actually, no. I don’t want to know, I’m just angry. You’re the worst at this, you know. Relationships and emotions and commitment. You’re selfish and lazy and emotionally…” she swirls her hand in the air between them, searching for the right word. “Stunted.”

Dan winced.

“But I loved you despite that. I thought that you just needed time. That you’d become dependent on me the way I was of us. That you’d love me-“

“I did love you.” Dan interrupted, desperation seeping into his voice. He finds it painful to think that she could believe that he didn’t love her.

“No. if you had loved me, Dan, you would have told me earlier. You knew all my plans for the res t of my life involved you and you should have told me you weren’t sure if yours involved me. I feel… betrayed, Dan.” She said firmly.

He feels crushed. “They did though.”

They continued talking for another half hour and Dan wasn’t certain that they’d managed to move any closer to being amicable. He also felt stupid for even thinking that one meeting in a public coffee shop would be enough to patch over the gaping hole he had ripped in their lives.

They parted awkwardly, Dan remaining sitting long after Anna had walked away over to her relatives, who had thrown him a final glare as they turned and walked away. He felt empty inside. Crushed by the weight of everything they had said, and the fear and uncertainty of his future, and the loss of everything familiar.

At least they’d started making plans on giving notice on the house and the starting to unpick their lives. They weren’t friends, and he wasn’t forgiven, but Anna was talking to him and that was a good start.

*~*~*

`**Phil:** Send help!`

`**Dan:** where r u?`

Dan stood under the twinkling Christmas lights, tapping his shoes nervously against the white marble flooring. He’d waited a long time in the café after Anna had left, trying to collect his thoughts and letting her put some distance between them. He’d had enough now, and wanted to leave. He’d had enough festive cheer and social interaction to last him a lifetime. He sent a quick text to Phil and with a deep sigh headed out into the busy shopping centre.

`**Phil:** I don’t wanna say`

`**Dan:** just tell me`

`**Phil:** I may or may not be hiding in the toilets`

Dan laughed out loud.

`**Dan:** where  
**Dan:** and more importantly. why`

Minutes pass and Dan starts walking, following the signs for the toilets and hoping that Phil isn’t in on the other side of the centre.

“Are you coming?” Phil’s voice is pitched and high.

Dan repressed the giggle which threatened. “Phil. Hey, Phil, I’m coming. Where are you?”

“I told you. I’m in the toilets.”

He can barely hear Phil over the noise around him, and the image of Phil in a cubicle whispering makes him feel fond.

“Which ones? This place is fucking massive.”

“I don’t know. I was in hmv.” Dan grinned and turned on the spot, heading towards the darkened store.

 

“Phil?” he shouted, his voice echoing off the tiled walls, almost lost to the carols being pumped loudly through the tinny speakers.

He shouted again, breathing a sigh of relief when he eventually hears a tentative “Dan?” from one of the cubicles. He walked over and knocked gently.

The door opened and Phil’s face appeared, paler than usual and a look of fear creasing his forehead. His hand reached out and grabbed Dan’s shirt, pulling him into the cubicle as he yelped. The lock clicked shut behind him and Phil crowded against him.

“Thank God.” Phil breathed as he engulfed Dan tightly in his arms.

“Hey,” he laughed. “What’s happened?”

“It was awful. There were so many of them.”

“Of what?”

Phil looked stricken. “People, Dan. People.” Dan barely resisted the urge to laugh again. Phil was obviously shaken, but he was being excessive in his dramatic retelling, so Dan knew he was not that upset.

“A group of them recognised me from TV and then they asked for photos, and then signatures and then there were more of them. And I looked over to the staff and they were coming, and I thought, ‘oh great, they’ll save me’, but they didn’t. They just grabbed me and started taking selfies.” He took a big breath in, having finally run out of air. “It was awful.”

Dan smiled. Honestly, Phil was so fucking cute. “Oh, I’m sure it was. People everywhere… the horror.” He mocked, grinning all the while. He hooked his thumbs into the loops on the back of Phil’s jeans and pulled them flush against each other.

Phil frowned and let out an indignant noise as he tried to push himself away. Dan ignored his weak, half-hearted attempt at pushing him away and closed the distance between their lips in a quick, chaste kiss.

“We can’t keeping meeting like this,” he whispered, feeling the rush of air against his own lips as Phil let out a quiet laugh.

“Nope. Absolutely not.” Phil said, and pushed them apart with gentle hands on Dan’s chest. “This is absolutely not becoming our thing.”

“What thing?” Dan asked, perplexed.

“Toilet cubicles.”

Dan’s laughter burst from him unexpectedly. “It’s not our thing.”

Phil was already straightening his shirt and turning to open the cubicle door. Dan moved his hands to rest either side of Phil’s back, fingers splayed across his hips.

“Not yet, it isn’t,” Phil said surely. “But if we stay in here any longer we’ll have to start sending out change of address forms. Think of the children, Dan!”

“Mate, children are the last thing I want to be thinking about right now.”

“How are we going to tell little Jimmy that he was consummated in the loos? How am I going to tell him that urinals make his daddy horny: The shame!” He wailed exaggeratedly.

Phil’s laughter is light and gleeful as he quickly exits the cubicle, out of reach of Dan’s attempts to punch him in the shoulder.

“Ew. Fuck off. Urinals do not turn me on” He said loudly, very disturbed at the thought. Outside of the cubicle his cheeks heat and he avoids the stares of the other men, quietly standing beside Phil at the sinks, watching his shoulders shake with silent laughter in the mirror.

He stands beside Phil at the hand dryer too, their fingers brushing against each other’s as they share the heat. Phil doesn’t look embarrassed, his pale blue eyes bright with laughter and joy, but he’s quiet and keeps his eyes downcast, also avoiding the disapproving looks from the other men.

Dan’s cheeks burn as they finally made it out of the toilets and into noisy centre.

“Oh my God.” He said, dropping his head into his hands.

“See!” Phil exclaims. “That’s why toilets can’t be our thing!”

"Fucking hell."

Phil nudged his shoulder against Dan's and he felt fingers reach between his own as they moved slowly away and into the throng of bodies. 

The air between them becomes sombre and serious as Phil searches his eyes. "Hey, how are you?" He asked, squeezing his fingers.

Dan’s chest felt ready to burst with fondness. The way Phil managed to find joy and adventure in every situation filled him with love for the man, and his caring thoughtful nature filled him with a desperate, innate desire to fight for him. To clutch at him with greedy fingers and never let him go. He would build a life with this man, he knew. Together they could face anything.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is unbeta'd although I do have a check through before posting, so if there are any glaring errors which detract from the reading, let me know!
> 
> I have a Tumblr that I'm perpetually lurking on and would love to try and use a little more! @GothicalWishes
> 
> Chapter Titles have been taken/adapted from the below songs.  
> Fic Title: Diary of Jane – Breaking Benjamin  
> Chapter Three: Out Of The Woods – Taylor Swift  
> Chapter Four: Miracle – Chvrches  
> Chapter Five: Breath - Breaking Benjamin  
> Chapter Six : It’s All Your Fault – Pink  
> Chapter Seven: Take Me To Church – Hoosier  
> Chapter Eight: Get Out - Chvrches  
> Chapter Ten: Thnks fr th Mmrs - Fall Out Boy  
> Chapter Eleven: Kristian Leontiou - Caught In A Moment


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